New Year’s Resolutions for Perfectionists: Exploring Compassion and Goal-Setting
I come from generations of Texans who are very hard-working and high-achieving. They instilled a strong work ethic in me, for which I am very grateful and I benefit from every day. At the same time, my perfection-obsessed brain latched onto the idea that the answer to personal improvement and success is to just “work harder, rub some dirt in it, grit your teeth, and plow through.” And if that doesn’t work, do it even more.
I practiced this philosophy until it became debilitating. I believed our American culture’s canon: that I had to be the perfected version of myself to be acceptable and worthy of love and belonging. This propaganda drove me into perfection-hustling and spiraled into burnout, anger, and frustration at myself, into self-appointed guilt trips, self-hatred, hopelessness, fatigue, numbness, and inevitably, apathy. My head became my own mental bootcamp (in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger on a megaphone) fueled by my own self-inflicted emotional abuse.
And then, after a while, I didn’t try at all. I just couldn’t. There was really no change achieved, but instead, I was left with a beaten-down sense of self, life, and the person that I actually detested, even more so than before I started “trying” so hard.
Fast forward ten years later, with the help of a bunch of therapy, Brene Brown books, a ton of school, lots of break-down-break-throughs, and marrying a therapist myself, I adopted a new spirit animal—the sloth (you’ll find a stuffed animal sloth in my office to continue to remind me that it is my new mascot, his name is Baxter). I’m trying to channel the superpowers of sloths: slowing down, being more grateful, being more present, more accepting and tolerant, more gentle with myself and others, more mindful, more self-loving, and intentional. And yet, when the New Year's rolls around I notice myself getting pulled back into the rat race, throwing confetti on my old perfection-hustling muscle memory.
Like me, do you struggle with New Year's Resolutions?
You know, the enthusiastic way we try to beat ourselves up, to do more, be more, achieve more, and lose more weight than last year? (Just kidding… but seriously that’s my internal dialogue as I type this right now.) In my ten years of self-discovery and sinking into the research behind balance, self-compassion, self-love, resilience, acceptance, and productivity I have discovered many new ways to develop a healthier relationship with oneself that includes both self-compassion and a desire for growth.
My younger self used to think that the term self-compassion meant letting yourself off the hook, being lazy, ignoring responsibilities, and actually capping your “potential.” I didn’t know that living a life with self-compassion meant growing into a person you actually like, and actually liking the process of growth, including feeling positive towards goals, growth, and change.
In the book, Good Morning, I Love You (yes, the book my own therapist made me read- *eye roll*---I guess she saw through my loving therapist exterior and found my internal issue with perfection and worthiness-hustling…) the author, Shauna Shapiro, discusses the surprising research behind self-compassion: that it actually causes you to be more effective at changing and achieving goals, it decreases anxiety and depression symptoms, it increases your desire to be accountable and responsible and has longer-lasting results than focusing on increasing self-esteem or self-confidence.
Yes, you read all of that right. This fluffy thing that seems to many of us as being “selfish” or “self-indulgent” is actually the overlooked ingredient for success, resilience, and all-around mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellness.
“Okay Jessica, but what would that even look like?”- I know that’s what you’re saying, because I, like you, thought that compassion and determination were contradictory. Let me give you some examples of what it sounds like to integrate both while talking to yourself:
“I’m excited to try something new or work at a goal that is difficult, even if it is frustrating, vulnerable, and embarrassing. I can celebrate each small step that I make and encourage myself as a cheerleader or a loving friend would.”
“It is so natural, normal, and human to not excel at everything I try. That can be scary and overwhelming. I can keep trying anyway.”
“It’s okay if my body doesn’t feel up to accomplishing each goal I have every day. My ‘best’ looks different every day because I am an organic human—not a robot. I can celebrate each try I make, knowing that each try is the formula of growth.
“Rest is part of the process of change. I can allow myself to rest in order to feel interested and excited at trying again. I can honor my body’s need for rest and recreation in order to recharge. I can honor the times I feel overwhelmed and exhausted as signals for me to rest until I feel interested in trying again.”
“I can allow failures and weakness in this growth process. Everyone that tries and works at growing, experiences setbacks. I can be compassionate to myself when I am feeling extra tired, overwhelmed, or discouraged. That is so normal to experience.”
“My failures, discouragement, and frustration are human experiences that can connect me to everyone around me. I am glad that I can experience this emotion so that I can use this to connect and be empathetic with others.”
“No matter what I accomplish or don’t accomplish, I am worthy of love and belonging. I can accept myself no matter where I am on the path and journey of life. I can also accept that I can change and want to change parts of me to find greater joy in my life.”
“I can accept that change, lasting change, takes time and is best achieved with small and simple, gradual steps. I can accept any frustration that comes when I want the results to come sooner. My impatience for change just tells me how much I want or value that. I can give myself some self-compassion and celebrate that I have such a strong desire for change and wanting of this goal or value.”
We can balance “holding ourselves accountable” without turning into an emotionally abusive junior high coach (this means excluding any name-calling, all-or-nothing statements, sarcasm, comparisons to little girls, obscenities, or in general any ‘encouragement’ found in the Rocky movies or basically most sports films).
Even if you didn’t have an emotionally healthy, encouraging, loving, compassionate parent growing up, this is your time to practice being a loving parent for yourself. You can believe in the best of yourself, be kind, allow pain and frustration, allow yourself to take the time it needs to change, allow rest and recreation in the process, allow innovation and tweaking goals, and allow yourself to accept that change is not linear.
You can celebrate each step, whatever the step looks like.
The research shows that ‘hating’ yourself into perfection, might show an increase in motivation, but does not last, and only leads to shame and despair. So stop doing the same thing hoping for different results.
This year, practice self-compassion in your journey of change and self-discovery, and not only will you increase your long-term success rate, avoid burnout, and increase feelings of competence and resilience, but you’ll have a life you love, and actually like yourself in the process. This love towards yourself will naturally flood around you too, and fill your relationships with love, compassion, forgiveness, balance, and kindness.
Throw in a cup or two of self-compassion this year and see what happens yourself.
I can’t think of a better way to greet 2022.
