We Need Others

Human beings are social creatures and need connection. Psychologists, anthropologists, and philosophers have suggested many reasons for why we need connection.  These reasons include: providing for physical and emotional needs, creating tribal safety, invoking social and economic efficiency, and offering structure for human development.

As I’veexplored this topic, I find our need for others is multifaceted. In mentalhealth, there are overlapping influences, often termed the biopsychosocialmodel of health. This phonetic amalgamation promotes the importance ofthree overarching schools of thought: (1) our biology, (2) our thoughts andemotions, and (3) our social environment. Our social connections are nosmall matter. We experience social connection with family, friends, churchrelationships, clubs, and work situations.

One reason I feel we need others, is to create affirmation and validation for our life journey. As children, we look to authority figures for validation. At first, this person is usually a parent or guardian. When we enter our adolescence, we turn to friends. As adults, we may seek approval from peers, or authority figures such as church leaders, a spouse, or a boss at work. Marriage relationships uniquely create opportunities for seeking intimate affirmation and validation. As a therapist, I see couples desiring validation if they are “enough,” or if they are “doing things right.” These bids for validation are expressed in a variety of scenarios in the kitchen to the bedroom.

Eventually,we arrive at a place where self-confidence eclipses the need to seek validationfrom others.  When this occurs, we helpsupport others, and our self-esteem is self-sufficient.  I don’t think this process is a bad thing.Instead, I feel the understanding we gain is helpful and includes threeimportant concepts.

First,as other people bid for validation from us, we should feel complimented, as weare now a companion in their healing journey. Affirming another is anopportunity to support and honor the path and choices others make in a way thatcreates self-awareness and growth, confidence, and security while allowing fora space of safety.

Second,we need to know how hurtful rejection can be for those who seek for anaffirming voice from us. As children, we are often told “no,” “don’t,” or“you cannot.” Usually, these commands are barked from parents who want toprotect their children. However, as a conscience being willing to aid inthe healing journey of others, an affirming voice such as “you can,” “you’vegot this,” or “I trust you,” is more effective.

Third,understanding your attachment style, or the attachment style of others canassist in explaining how validation and affirmation are expressed.  Anassessment of how you engage with others can aid you and those you love to helpestablish securely attached relationships. For example, some people will anxiously seek for attention, and otherspull back when things get messy, avoiding receiving the needed help theconnection brings.

As humans, we connect with others for a variety of meaningful ways. Seeking affirmation and validation is a human characteristic that moves people toward a place of self-confidence. We start by trusting the voices of others we trust, and then we move to trust our internal voice.  We do these in elaborate dances that deserve our attention and our nonjudgmental observation.

If you or a loved one needs help in understanding or seeking validation, please give me a call at 801.944.4555 to schedule an appointment today.