Loss Isn’t Always a Loved One
Loss Isn’t Always a Loved One
What if I told you that we lose a lot in our lifetimes? Loss isn’t always a loved one; it can also be changes in a romantic relationship, moving to another city or state, or the failure to attain of hopes and expectations. With each loss, there is an accompanying grieving process, and for this reason, it is important that we understand our grief. The American Psychological Association (n.d.) defines grief as “the anguish experienced after significant loss” (Grief). We may experience complicated and conflicting emotions, which affect us both somatically and physiologically as “separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future” (American Psychological Association, n.d.). These emotions can vary based on the form of loss we incur and manifest as different forms of grief. The JED Foundation (n.d.), describes four examples of grief:
Anticipatory grief. This form of grief “comes before events that we know will be emotionally challenging, like the anticipated loss of a loved one, a challenging move, going through a divorce, or the loss of anything else that we value” (JED Foundation, n.d.). Anticipatory grief can “provide time and space to emotionally prepare for the event” of loss we anticipate will happen (JED Foundation, Grief, n.d.).
Grief from a sudden loss. This form of grief occurs “when the loss is sudden and unexpected,” and due to the nature of the loss, “our grief is likely to be acute for a while” (JED Foundation, n.d.). In contrast to anticipatory grief, grief from a sudden loss can be more difficult to accept because we have not prepared for it.
Cumulative grief. This form of grief occurs “when we experience multiple losses close together, such as losing a loved one and then making a disruptive move” (JED Foundation, n.d.). It can also occur when “we experience similar types of grief on multiple occasions, especially if the first loss was never healed…A new loss, even when it occurs much later, can bring up unresolved feelings and compound the grief from the first loss” (JED Foundation, n.d.). The compounding of these losses can provide for complicated grief, “when feelings of loss are persistent and interfere with life or other relationships” (JED Foundation, n.d.).
Absent Grief. When we are not grieving in the way we think we should, we may experience absent grief. This form of grief can happen for many reasons; Absent grief may indicate that we have processed our emotions through anticipatory grief, though it may also demonstrate that we have been “delaying or avoiding fully feeling our grief, or when we have unrealistic expectations of how we should be grieving” (JED Foundation, n.d.). Reminding ourselves that grief is an appropriate response to loss and that we may grieve differently is important throughout our own grieving process.
Utah-based author Terry Tempest Williams’ memoir Refuge: An unnatural history of family and place weighs heavy of her own grieving process regarding her mother’s cancer diagnosis and treatment. Williams describes her experience using the symbolism occurring through the rising of The Great Salt Lake, which at the time of her mother’s treatment has reached historical levels. Like her mother’s cancer, the water feels consuming, taking the life and land that surrounds it. A conversation between Williams’ mother, Diane, and her paternal grandmother, Mimi, demonstrates this. Diane begins:
“When I was a young woman with four children, I was always living ahead of myself,” she said. “Everything I was doing was projected toward the future, and I was so busy, busy, busy, preparing for tomorrow, for the next week, for the next month. Then one day, it all changed. At thirty-eight years old, I found out I had breast cancer. I can remember asking my doctor what I should plan for in the future…For the first time in my life, I started to be fully present in the day I was living. I was alive” (Williams, p. 116).
When Williams’ mother receives her diagnosis, she grieves not only the loss of her physical body but her authority and creativity by failing to be present in her life. Often when many of us think of grief and loss, we think of loved ones and the crater created by their impact that remains deep as it does empty. Loss comes in many forms, and we understandably want to avoid the pain that is associated with these experiences. Suffering is a human experience; Through this understanding of pain, we can understand how it not only connects us to others, but to ourselves.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief is applicable across forms of loss and often begins with the first stage of denial (Grief.com, n.d.). Williams (1991) describes denial as harsh in how it “flourishes in the familiar…[and] seduces us with our own desires and cleverly constructs walls around us to keep us safe,” while also gracious by protecting “us from the potency of a truth we cannot yet bear to accept. It takes our hands and leads us to places of comfort” (p. 76). It is there in our comfort that we reside until we choose to leave.
The second stage of grief is anger (Grief.com, n.d.). Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion. This means that anger is an emotional reaction that we have to another primary emotion that we have not yet identified. Like a wildfire, anger expends our resources; although, unlike a wildfire, anger is significant because the thoughts and behaviors associated with this emotion are ones that we can control in a situation where we may otherwise feel powerless. Identifying the primary emotion through somatic and physiological responses is necessary to better understand our anger and how it serves us.
Bargaining is the third stage of grief, and in this stage, our thoughts may be dominated by ‘If only’ statements and ‘What if’ questions (Grief.com, n.d.). Guilt tends to be associated with this stage. We can also understand guilt as a secondary emotion based on the primary emotion of fear. When we experience a change in a relationship, for example, our guilt may be based on a fear of our ability to be known and seen as our authentic selves by another person. The fourth stage is depression, wherein we experience the depth of our loss (Grief.com, n.d.). We recognize that things will not be the same; Our loved one will not be coming back, or our home is unfamiliar. The exploration of these depths may provide for feelings of incredible sadness or overwhelming hopelessness. Depression is a necessary stage in grief, and it is important that we allow ourselves to experience these depths to honor ourselves and what we have lost.
The fifth stage of grief is acceptance (Grief.com, n.d.). When we accept something, we provide admittance to it. We are not ‘OK’ with what happened to us; We may never feel ‘OK’ but we can receive the permanent reality of our loss and hold it willingly. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ describes the acceptance of our loss as part of our grieving process:
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to (The Cut, n.d.).
Grief is not linear; As we return to each stage, we often gather something about ourselves and how our loss has affected us. We can bring what we have gathered to these spaces, where they will be held with care. In these spaces, Williams’ mother becomes conscious of the extent of her loss; She was unaware that she had lost her authority and creativity until she was confronted with the loss of her physical body. Mourning these losses in grief provided for acceptance, where she could feel alive in facing death.
In this stage, as we should in all others, we should provide ourselves self-compassion in the form of grace and space, as we are adjusting to a new normal. Creating and maintaining spaces that provide us with safety and security will allow us to grieve in such a way that holds the weight of our loss and allows us to open ourselves when we are willing and able to. These spaces could be in the form of a person or a place. In Williams’s book, she describes one of her healing spaces as Utah’s desert landscape, a place that is expansive enough to encompass the entirety of her grief.
While some seasons are for growing and others are for blooming, there are also seasons where we lie in fallow ground. Regardless of the season, our feelings are valid because we experience them as they are and they are our own; This experience makes our grieving process our own, as well. Below are helpful tips modified from the Cleveland Clinic’s health essentials (2018) to consider at any stage of grief:
Accept some loneliness. It is important that we do not become too isolated, and for this reason, we should reach out to others who are comfortable with grief and can allow our grieving process to be our own.
Choose good company. This is closely related to the first tip but serves as a reminder to associate ourselves with others who can allow us to be ‘alone together’ when necessary.
Be gentle with yourself. Be cautious to compare yourself to others throughout your grieving process; This process is your own, and you will move at the pace that serves you.
Embrace all emotions. During our grieving process, our emotions can feel like waves; Crashing onto our shores, set after set. Identifying our emotions through somatic and physiological responses is necessary to understand the ways in which they affect us.
Keep structure in your day. This includes setting a regular sleep schedule, taking time to get ready in the morning, as well as eating regular meals. Making a list of daily activities can serve as a necessary reminder.
Be cautious. Evaluate whether any major decisions or changes in your personal or professional life need to be made at this time.
Take care of your inner needs. Find time to connect to yourself and others through a practice that provides both meaning and purpose. This could include spending time outdoors, writing in a journal, or attending religious services.
Talk to your doctor. Inform your primary care doctor that you have incurred a loss, so they can provide additional resources, if necessary.
Meeting with a therapist is another helpful tip, and our therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy can provide the safe space needed to begin healing. Additional local resources include The Sharing Place for children and adolescents, Caring Connections provided by the University of Utah, and the Bereavement Program provided by Intermountain Primary Children’s Hospital. All three resources provide support groups and information on loss and the grieving process.
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Grief. https://dictionary.apa.org/grief
Grief: What’s normal, what’s not – and 13 tips to get through it. (2018, July 27). healthessentials. Retrieved January 20, 2022 from https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grief-whats-normal-whats-not-and-13-tips-to-get-through-it/
The JED Foundation. (n.d.). Understanding grief. https://jedfoundation.org/resource/understanding-grief/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAip-PBhDVARIsAPP2xc0MlT-kyhyfybQmxV4uTkt_o_iVl-ZVjPdxsu3Fqv1Enp98a3l_wXcaAggzEALw_wcB
Williams, Terry Temptest. (1991). Refuge: An unnatural history of family and place. Penguin Random House.
The 5 Stages of Grief. (n.d.). Grief.com. Retrieved January 20, 2022 from https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
30 quotes to share with someone who is grieving. (2020, April 24). The Cut. Retrieved January 20, 2022 from https://www.thecut.com/article/grief-quotes-to-share.html
