Values - Attitudes - Behavior
It is human nature to scrutinize our behavior or the behavior of others through a lens of judgment or criticism. Observations like this are common with our partners, children, and close friends. Underpinning our behavior are a set of attitudes, and foundational for these attitudes are values. Identifying our values is often a helpful way to connect with the inner parts of ourselves, others or create clarity about the conflicts we experience when values collide.
What is Behavior?
Behavior is a word that describes our conduct or the conduct of others. Our behaviors are the things we do (or do not do). They are tangible things we see or experience. Sometimes our behaviors are helpful; at other times, behaviors can be disruptive. Criticism often centers around behavior. Thoughts such as "I wish I would exercise more" or "my husband should drink less."
What are Attitudes?
Attitudes are the "reasons" we conduct ourselves, or the "motivations" others have that inform their behavior. According to psychologists and researchers, our attitudes begin primarily in our early development years and evolve through our life experiences over our lifespan. "Exercise would make me healthy" or "drinking causes marriage issues" are two examples of attitudes. Attitudes are both cerebral and emotional. In other words, we construct attitudes based on what we think and what we feel. How we assemble attitudes implies some attitudes are logical, and sometimes not. Cultural experiences highly influence our attitudes.
What are Values?
Values form the foundation of the attitudes we develop. Our core values do not often change; however, other orbiting values are often reprioritized. Most people have 3 or 4 core values. There are dozens of identifiable values. Examples include Honesty, Security, Health, or Family. Values can collide, and sometimes they're synergistic. If one values Family and Friendship, they may feel conflicted if they choose between attitudes or behaviors connected to those values. For example, do I spend time with my family or friends? Partnerships experience the same collisions. One partner may value Independence, while the other values Freedom. You can imagine the discussions when those values clash!
Understanding one's values and their partner's values form a powerful connection and establishes useful perspectives. These perspectives create curiosity, invite vulnerability, and help open a dialog about boundaries, roles, and responsibilities. Sometimes we can identify when our behavior is out of alignment with our values. Value clarity is a strong motivator for change or acceptance.
