Want To Know the Secret to a Happy Marriage?

Surprisingly, the answer to the question what is the secret to a happy marriage ISN’T a lack of conflict between a couple. Whether it’s about not having enough sex, the dirty laundry, or spending too much money, conflict is inevitable in every marriage.  Happiness lies in the “positive affect” a couple has during the conflict. So what does that mean?

What Does Research Say the Secret to a Happy Marriage Is?

In the 1970s, relationship expert and researcher Dr. John Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson began doing longitudinal studies of couples to try to understand the difference between happy couples and unhappy couples.  They asked couples to solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes, then sat back and watched. What they discovered over the course of nine years is pretty simple: Happy couples have more positive than negative interactions during conflict. The Positive Affect.  And to create this in your marriage, there is a very specific ratio that makes love last.

That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions.

“When healthy couples are talking about something important,” Dr. Gottman says, “they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.”

On the other hand, unhappy couples tend to engage in fewer positive interactions to compensate for their escalating negativity. If the positive-to-negative ratio during conflict is 1-to-1 or less, that’s unhealthy and indicates a couple teetering on the edge of divorce.

So what’s considered a negative interaction?

While anger is certainly a negative interaction and a natural reaction during conflict, it isn’t necessarily damaging to a marriage. Dr. Gottman explains that “anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive.”

Negative interactions during conflict include being emotionally dismissive or critical or becoming defensive. Body language such as eye-rolling can be a powerful negative interaction, and it is important to remember that negativity holds a great deal of emotional power, which is why it takes five positive interactions to overcome any one negative interaction. And these negative interactions happen in healthy marriages, too, but they are quickly repaired and replaced with validation and empathy.

What are the five positive interactions when it comes to the secrets to a happy marriage?

Couples who flourish engage in conflict differently than those who eventually break up. Not only do they start conflict more gently, but they also make repairs in both minor and major ways that highlight the positivity in their relationship. Below is a list of interactions that stable couples regularly use to maintain positivity and closeness.

Be Interested

When your partner complains about something, do you listen? Are you curious about why he or she is so mad? Displaying interest includes asking open-ended questions, as well as more subtle signals such as nods, making eye contact, and timely “uh-huh’s” that show how closely you are listening.

Express Affection

Do you hold hands with your partner, offer a romantic kiss, or embrace your partner when greeting them at the end of the day? Expressions of affection can happen in small ways both within and outside of conflict.

Within conflict, displays of physical and verbal affection reduce stress. If you’re having a difficult conversation and your partner takes your hand and says, “Gosh, this is hard to talk about. I really love you and I know we can figure this out together,” you will likely feel better because their display of affection is bound to reduce tension and bring you closer together.

Find Opportunities for Agreement

When couples fight, they focus on the negative parts of the conflict and miss the opportunities for what they agree on. When you seek opportunities for agreement and express yourself accordingly, you are showing that you see your spouse’s viewpoint as valid and that you care about them. An alliance in conflict, even minor, can fundamentally shift how couples fight.

Empathize and Apologize

Empathy is one of the deepest forms of human connection. When you empathize with your spouse, you show that you understand and feel what your partner is feeling, even if you express empathy nonverbally through a facial expression or a physical gesture.

Saying things like, “It makes sense to me that you feel…” will help your partner see that you are on their team. Empathy is a profound connecting skill that all romantic partners can and should improve, and there is no limit to the amount of empathy you can express.

And, if your partner is upset with something you said or did, simply apologize. If you can find a moment during conflict to say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. That makes me sad,” you will provide a positive and empathetic interaction that reinforces your bond.

Test Your Ratio

Is your relationship unbalanced? Observe how you and your partner interact. For every negative interaction that happens, are there more positive interactions? If not, take it upon yourself to create more positive interactions in your relationship, and also try to notice the small moments of positivity that currently exist there, and that you may have been missing.

More Resources to Have a Happy Marriage

If you’ve done everything above and are still struggling in your marriage, it may be time to find help from a therapist. Therapists are trained to help both partners in a safe and non-judgmental environment. Contact us by calling 801.944.4555 or by clicking here to schedule your first marriage therapy session with our compassionate and highly trained therapists.

Here are a few posts that might also help you as you are searching for the secrets to a happy marriage.

• If you’ve wondered the why behind sex therapy, this post from one of our sex therapists in Utah is full of information on what sex therapy can teach us.

• Are you interested in therapy, but don’t know how to find the right therapist for you? Click here to read this article about what to look for when you’re looking for a therapist that fits your needs.

• Read this article to learn the what and why of couples therapy.