Emotional Connection
Emotional connection is a form of vulnerability and intimacy that couples need to have in order to maintain healthy and secure attachments. It is more than saying “I love you” or having consensual sexual relations with your partner, it is allowing your partner to see and be present with you in all forms of emotion, including ones that require vulnerability, such as pain, sadness, shame, loneliness, or fear. These emotions can come from our personal triggers, unresolved past experiences, or attachment needs not being met. However, sharing and understanding one’s emotions can be difficult and does not come easily for everyone. While working with couples, I have noticed a couple of barriers that prevent couples from forming healthy emotional connections including:
Misunderstandings- Sometimes your intentions are good, but the message that your partner receives may be very different than what you were hoping for, which may make your partner react in a way that may not make sense to you. This can create defensiveness or frustration within the relationship.
Different attachment styles- Sometimes partners may appear to be more shut down, withdrawn, or dismissive. Sometimes partners may appear to be clingy or in need of constant reassurance. These different forms of styles of attachment may make it hard to share or understand emotions within yourself and your partner.
Lack of safety- To share one’s vulnerabilities and deep emotions with another, there needs to be a sense and expectation of trust, to know that your partner is going to listen, accept what you are saying, and continue to show love, regardless of what is being said. If a partner does not feel this, then emotional connection is difficult to occur.
However, there are things that can be done to overcome these barriers. Here is a 3 step activity that can be done to start building an emotional connection with your partner.
Partner 1 starts by asking if Partner 2 is available to listen to something important to them. If yes, then explain what you are feeling and experiencing by using “I statements”.
Ex. I feel this…because…
Partner 2 then will repeat back what they understood to make sure they are receiving the message correctly.
I understood that what you are saying is…. Is that correct?
Partner 1 can confirm if what is being understood is correct. Then Partner 2 will offer curiosity by seeing if there is anything more Partner 1 needs or wants to share about this topic.
Ex. Is there anything else you would like to tell me?
Ex. Tell me more about what _____ means to you.
Each partner can take turns going through these motions. These types of conversations can lead to clear forms of understanding, and allow empathy to be shared, and a deeper awareness of each other that strengthens the relationship. For additional support, guidance, and clarification, couples therapists are available to help in this matter. You can contact Wasatch Family Therapy to schedule an appointment with one of our couples therapists by calling 801.944.4555 or clicking this link!
