What Sex Therapy Can Teach Us
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to attend my first conference with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), which “provides training, community and visibility to promote the understanding of human sexuality and healthy sexual behavior.” (https://www.aasect.org/). While I am not an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I attended this conference to better my understanding of and ability to effectively work the concerns related to sexuality that are central to the human experience and that I see clients wrestling with every day in my office. On reflecting on the experience, I have three takeaways to share:
1. We can define our relationships in ways that work for those involved.
Generally, we base our boundaries and expectations of ourselves and others in a relationship on what role that person is to us, (i.e. friend, boyfriend, parent, coworker, etc.), but often these expectations are unrealistic and leave us feeling isolated, defective, or exhausted. The good news is, we don’t have to do it this way! Relationships in general exist between two people who get to define what they want it to look like. This requires the hard work of communication and a willingness to address conflict. What you agree to can change over time and context, and there is nothing wrong with needing to adjust or reassess. You don’t have to fit the mold.
2. Everyone has the right to be a sexual being.
Often when we talk about sex, we have an image of young, fit, hot, able-bodied people as the standard of excellence. Older people, fat people, and folks with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, or if they express sexual desire, this is seen as gross or weird. Because of the biases of others, many people feel isolated and ashamed for having very normal, healthy feelings. This isn’t okay! If you are uncomfortable with a particular type of person being sexual in a way that is consensual to all involved, it may be time to check your own biases. And if you feel that you shouldn’t have your own sexual feelings, it might be time to question where that belief is coming from and if you really want to hold onto it.
3. Listening to diverse voices leads to a richer sexual experience.
One of the things I most appreciated about the conference was that it elevated the voices of those who are often not heard or valued. Trans people, indigenous people, people of color, folks with disabilities, and people whose bodies have been policed, judged, and fetishized have usually had more need to be a little more creative in their sexual expression and can shine a light on assumptions and arbitrary limits that others with more privileged identities take for granted.
Sexuality is incarnate creativity that is only as stagnant as our imaginations. When we allow ourselves to step out of our own sexual echo chambers, we open ourselves to new worlds of possibility and potentiality.
While I have so much more I could say about these topics and sexuality in general, I’m tired of writing for now, but hope this lights up some questions in you that you can continue exploring on your own, or in therapy. Happy exploring!
