I Just Want to Fix It: How to Help your Stressed Out Partner
Every person experiences hardships and stress from various sources, such as friendships, employment, health issues, or parenting. These stressors can create feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, confusion, and helplessness, and create physical health issues including breathing issues, inability to sleep, muscle tension, headaches, and so on. When people are struggling, it is perfectly natural to turn to their significant other to find relief and support. However, there are times when reaching out leads to pain or annoyance. Keep reading if you’ve ever asked yourself how to help your partner when they’re stressed.
Helping Your Stressed-Out Partner
As an example, partner 1 expresses what they are going through either by talking, shedding tears, or anxiously pacing back and forth. Partner 2 responds with a way to “fix it” and then ends the conversation. Partner 1 gets upset, and partner 2 is now confused and both are feeling frustrated.
While working with couples, I have witnessed this repeated cycle where partners find themselves in these confused and isolated situations and wonder how they ended up there.
First, I want to validate both partners’ experiences in these cycles.
Partner 1 is searching for connection, validation, and comfort, and it feels so important to receive those things from their significant other because that is the place they should feel the safest.
Partner 2 does not like to see their loved one in pain because it hurts them too and the emotions that come up can be difficult to manage. So, offering the perfect solution, or fixing whatever their partner is going through, can stop the emotions, bring relief, and protect their loved one and the relationship.
The intention is good. But the actual message sent to their loved one is they do not matter and are not important.
When Fixing Problems For Your Partner is Harmful
To be clear, to want to fix the stressors or to have your partner feel better are not bad things. They are beautiful things that come from a place of love.
The act of “fixing it” is actually just something different than we may think. To allow our partner to truly express themselves, to allow the emotion to be present, and to have curiosity with what is happening, is what truly “fixes” the stressor.
When the emotion is shut down, it does not go anywhere. It stays with your partner and can create new emotions of resentment, shame, and frustration. But to allow the emotion to be processed fully in a safe space is how it will leave and move on.
With practice and compassionate support, I have witnessed these couples form stronger connections, build back trust, and strengthen their relationship by applying this new way of “fixing” their stressors by being emotionally present and safe with each other.
To meet with a couple’s therapist at Wasatch Family Therapy, call or text us at 801.944.4555.
