The Importance of Physical Intimacy in Your Marriage
I sit down to meet with a couple during couples therapy in Utah, and the story is very familiar; “I want to be more than roommates,” he says. “I want to be held and touched by my partner.” “I’ve got people needing something from me all day, every day,” she replies. “Why can’t he understand that I get tired of being touched and just need to be by myself at night?”
One of the most notable changes couples see after living together for a while, and especially after having children, is the lack of physical intimacy between them. Intertwined on the sofa watching movies together turns into sitting on opposite ends of the couch, one watching TV, the other on their phone. Conversations about this noticeable difference in the relationship typically end in defensiveness or tears.
Physical intimacy and sexual intimacy are used interchangeably, but in actuality, these two intimacies are very different. Knowing what physical intimacy is and how it impacts other areas of your relationship is important if a couple wants to build a healthy, lasting, and loving connection with one another.
WHAT IS PHYSICAL INTIMACY?
It is loving touch. Simple, yet complicated when it is confused with sexual touch. Physical intimacy is hand holding, kisses, back massages, foot rubs, cuddles, a shoulder squeeze as you walk by one another, a peck on the cheek as you leave for the day. It is a non-sexual touch that partners enjoy.
Take a look at that list again . . . .If you have children, we can, and probably do, any of these loving behaviors with our young children. It shows love and tenderness. It conveys security and belonging.
The biggest difference between physical and sexual intimacy is that you can have physical intimacy without sexual intimacy. It is almost impossible, however, to have sexual intimacy without some aspect of physical intimacy. When nonsexual touch isn’t present, but sexual touch is wanted, it can convey the opposite message to a partner: “I’m not important enough to you to kiss me goodbye, but you want to have sex with me.” Or, “I have few opportunities to touch you because you say you are “touched out” by the time we are alone together.” Both statements express pain at the lack of intimacy between the couple.
COMMON CHALLENGES FOR PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Many couples equate physical intimacy and sexual intimacy as the same. “If I let my partner rub my back, it will lead to sex and I’m not in the mood.” So we no longer want back rubs. As a result, they can grow physically disconnected despite having sex. Consistent, loving non-sexual touch is essential for a healthy, connected relationship and also has health benefits. It reduces cortisol, the stress hormone, and increases oxytocin, the love hormone. It also leads to increased satisfaction in both your relationship and your life.
Some couples struggle with how to talk about how, when and where they like to be touched. Emotional intimacy is the foundation that allows hard conversations to be had and resolved between partners. With honesty and vulnerability, you can express wants and needs. This helps to minimize hurt feelings or resentment, and having to guess what each other likes.
Invariably, there are partners that just don’t like to be touched. The truth is, that everyone’s body was designed to touch and be touched, and it has been that way from birth. Some people may have sensitivities or difficulties with over-exposure or over-stimulation. It’s important to discuss these proclivities together to find a solution together.
3 STEPS FOR PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Figure out what you like. What are your physical intimacy preferences? How do you prefer to be touched? Where? When? If hugs aren’t your thing, what about holding hands in public? Can you cuddle during your daily debriefing? If you feel “touched out” by the end of the day, can you plan to connect physically in the morning? Figure out what works for both of you.
Address the deeper problem. If you have gone from heart-racing kisses to a peck on the cheek . . . why? If you have to beg your spouse to touch you, or if you go for days without touching, even though you sleep together every night . . . why? There are many reasons, and some very complicated reasons, for why a couple stops touching one another, and it is very important to identify these reasons so they can be addressed and moved out of the way to get the connection you want in your relationship.
Be intentional with touch. Once you have identified some of the problems that have kept touch away, take some action! It takes effort to implement new patterns and unwind old ones. Make the effort and keep at it. It may be uncomfortable at first, especially if it has been a while since you have had touch as a normal part of your relationship, Set alarms to remind you to touch your partner. Create a list of touches that your spouse likes so that you know what to do. Schedule time to just hold each other for five or ten minutes. Even if you don’t get the response from your partner you are hoping for, keep at it. It’s new to them, as well.
A lack of physical intimacy can be a sign of a deep disconnection between partners. Your relationship might look fine on the outside, but it can signal tension between the two of you. Push through the discomfort to recreate the connection the two of you once enjoyed.
To schedule with one of our therapists who specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy in Utah, call or text 801.944.4555!
