Flexible Thinking Part 1: Make and keep friends, romantic partners, and your job

What is Flexible Thinking?

Running a social skills group for kids ages 7-11 has taughtme a lot about the benefits of flexible thinking. Flexible thinking in kidsproduces turn taking, transitioning smoothly to new activities, and the abilityto adapt mentally, emotionally and behaviorally to a variety of situations.

Flexible thinking in adults also enables mental, emotional,and behavioral adaptability. It is the ability to consider situations frommultiple perspectives, include context clues to inform decision making, managerising emotional responses in appropriate ways, problem solve, and balance andprioritize competing desires and goals. Flexible thinking also allows forspontaneity in our romantic relationships that can increase excitement anddeepen connection.

Flexible thinking looks like letting someone else pick therestaurant for dinner, cancelling plans to be with a friend or spouse who’s hada difficult day, finding solutions to problems instead of ruminating on theendless escalating spiral of “what if…” scenarios, truly listening tounderstand what others are saying, and not telling your boss what you reallythink of them when they take credit for your work during the company meeting.

Inflexible or rigid thinking in adults is often manifest inall or nothing (Black and White) perspectives and doesn’t allow for nuances andmitigating circumstances. Doing something because, “That’s how we have alwaysdone it” is an example of rigid thinking. Other examples include not listeningto other’s ideas, struggling to consider the feelings and experiences ofothers, and obliviousness to opportunities around us because we are locked intoour self-appointed expectations, rules or ideas about how something is“supposed to be.”

There is a popular HuffingtonPost article (“Reasons myson is crying will crack you up!”) that is unknowinglyhighlighting inflexible and rigid thinking. In each of these pictures, thechild is having an emotional meltdown because they are stuck on one thought andthe associated feeling so deeply, they become overwhelmed, abandon all reasonand rebuff efforts to console them; for example, “He wouldn’t fit through thedoggy door. Note the open-door right beside him.” With toddlers and adultsalike, inflexible thinking can lead to unhelpful and stressful situations.

As a caution, let’s be clear that not all rigid thinking isunhelpful. There are areas in life that being inflexible is necessary andprotective. With regards to physical safety and personal and emotionalboundaries, it is advantageous to be rigid.

Application

We all have times where we utilize both flexible and rigidthinking, the important part is to identify where we, as adults, teens or kids,could benefit from more flexible thinking.

• Is there an issue with your friends or spousethat keeps coming up, how could you change your perspective or response in thesituation to increase connection with that person?

• What could be a different way to address theissue? What about that issue is the real problem?

• Could any of these same questions be applied towork relationships and circumstances?

You need to be a pipe cleaner.

Here is a visual way to conceptualize flexible thinking. Duringone of my first weeks running the aforementioned social skills group I cameacross an activity highlighting the importance of and difference betweenflexible and rigid thinking using a popsicle stick, a pipe cleaner and a pieceof yarn.

• A popsicle stick is sturdy but rigid. Attemptsto bend the popsicle stick typically result in it breaking. Not helpful. 

• Pipe cleaners are soft and fuzzy on the outside,come in multiple colors, bend easily, hold their shape and have sturdy wire inthe middle: the creative options are endless. They are so adaptable they canbend to whatever the situation requires while maintaining their inner core(read: personal values and goals).

• A piece of yarn can barely hold any shape atall, it’s too flexible. It can’t stand up for itself or hold a boundary and canbe easily manipulated with no resistance.

Thinking like a pipe cleaner allows flexibility, adjusting,shifting, adapting and changing as needed without compromising our values. Whatareas in your life are you like a pipe cleaner? Are there some relationships,situations or events where you are more like a popsicle stick? Which of thesescenarios or people would benefit from you being more like a pipe cleaner?

Look for Flexible Thinking Part 2: Mental Health, where Iwill review how flexible thinking impacts and effects our mental health.

Emerald Robertson, M.S.Ed., ACMHC, NCC

Reference:

Halloran, J. (2015, February 9). Teaching flexibility tokids. https://www.encourageplay.com/blog/being-flexible

Khoo, I. (2015, April 29). ‘Reasons my son is crying’ willcrack you up. Huffington Post Canada. https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/04/29/toddlers-crying_n_7033472.html