Silent Drowning: When High Functioning People Struggle
The Subtle Signs of Drowning
Do you know what a person looks like when they’re drowning? Yelling, screaming for help, arms flailing? Nope. Maybe you’ve seen the educational infographics circulating on social media—and they’re true. An article from Maggie Roetker on Norton healthcare’s website explains, “Unlike what you see in the movies or on TV, drowning people are generally unable to splash and yell. Instead, they are unusually quiet, often appearing to be relaxed, floating or treading water.” In an interview done on The Scope radio, Dr. Scott Youngquest who works as an emergency room physician elaborates on how to tell if someone is drowning. He explains, “It’s remarkably undramatic in nature, and most of the time it’s not recognized by people who are watching swimmers. A good-trained lifeguard will notice the signs of drowning but the fascinating thing is that 50% of kids who drown do so within 25 yards of a parent. In fact, 10% of those drownings occur while the parent is watching so they’re not recognizing this as drowning at all. It just looks like the kid’s in the water and seems to be doing fine.”
High Functioning Anxiety and Depression
There is a similarity I see in this description of a person who is drowning and a high-functioning person who is struggling with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Most of the time, when a person’s mental health impairs their functioning, the struggle tends to make itself known. For example, when a person can’t get out of bed to go to work and is at risk of being fired, we take note. Or when a teen’s anxiety level is so elevated that they are refusing to go to school or having panic attacks during tests, there is an external alert that something is wrong and needs to be addressed. However, for adults who keep a steady job or teens who don’t struggle with grades or are high performing in other ways, we tend to assume that everything is fine. Oftentimes, this is not the case, and the reality is that there is an intense struggle happening beneath the surface. The fact that no one knows about the struggle can make it feel even more isolating and alone. Does this seem true for you or someone you know? If you struggle with depression, anxiety, or have a trauma history, sometimes the struggle has been going on for so long or it came on so gradually, you yourself don’t realize how serious it has become. Maybe you’re in a constant state of exhaustion and overwhelm—so much so that it seems too hard to even ask for help. Maybe you feel trapped working for a job you hate doing but it pays well so you stay. Maybe you are in a relationship struggle that no one knows about. Maybe the demands placed on you as a caregiver feels like too much, but you would never want to admit it because you’d feel like a terrible person if you did. Maybe anxiety is becoming so debilitating you are starting to avoid people and places you used to love. Maybe depression has you in a fog, feeling hopeless about the future or questioning the purpose of your own existence. Maybe the people around you would be shocked if they really knew what it was like to live in your head.
What Can I do?
If you take a step back and look at all that you are dealing with in life and realize it’s more than you let on to yourself or others, maybe it’s time to pay attention to your mental health. Confiding in a trusted friend or family member is a good first step to getting back to a place where you don’t feel as if you’re silently drowning. Connection is one of the most healing things for humans. Giving yourself permission to simplify your life or say no or set boundaries where needed can help relieve stress. Having compassion for the struggles you face and remembering you’re not alone in your struggles; that pain is the one great connector of all of humankind is powerful too. If these things seem too overwhelming or you have tried them and you still feel like you’re drowning, reaching out to a mental health professional may be your next best step.
We Belong to Each Other
One of my favorite ideas taught by Mother Teresa is the idea that we belong to each other. As a society, we can do a better job of remembering that even the people who appear to have it all together rarely
do. One of my favorite songs, True Sadness, by The Avett Brothers has the following lyrics, “But I still wake up shaken by dreams/And I hate to say it but the way it seems/Is that no one is fine/Take the time to
peel a few layers/And you will find/True sadness.” In my job as a therapist, I get to see what life is like for people behind the “I’ve got it put together” façade and I can tell you that no one escapes this life without experiencing pain, loss, and struggle. Remember that a person being high functioning—good at their job, getting all A’s, or being high achieving is not the same as being in a good place mentally. Like a well-trained lifeguard watching for the more subtle signs of drowning, we can be on the lookout for the people we love and check in if something seems off. If someone’s not quite acting like themselves, we can slow down and ask a few more questions even if we initially get the response “I’m fine! Everything’s fine!” Belonging to each other means we check in with the people around us and help where we can. It also means it’s ok to be the one asking for help.
-Sarah Hunter, MSW, LCSW
Notes
You can find Maggie Roetker’s article on Norton healthcare’s website here:
https://nortonchildrens.com/news/signs-of-drowning-may-surprise/
There is a transcript of The Scope radio interview with Dr. Scott Youngquest here:
https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/shows.php?shows=0_fpi0f00s
And here is a link to the lyrics True Sadness by The Avett Brothers:
https://g.co/kgs/4qxZSy
