Picket Fences and Cement Walls: Why Boundaries are Not Selfish

Have you ever agreed to do something only to later realize how much resentment you feel?

Resentment is an important emotion to pay attention to. When we feel resentment, it’s usually because there is a boundary issue that we are not addressing. Sometimes we say yes to things that lead to resentment because we don’t want to disappoint anyone, or because we feel pressure from social or cultural expectations. Sometimes we’ve been taught that to be a good person, we have to say yes, or that saying no to something is selfish.

Boundaries are like fences.

Imagine you spent hours every day working in your garden. You created a work of beauty, and as you stood admiring your work, a sense of peace washed over your body. You wanted to share that peace and all your work with the people you care about, so you invite them over for a party. Instead of admiring your work and joining you in the peace of your garden, your friends and family walked through it without care and squashed many of your favorite plants. How would you start to feel?

You might want to ask them to leave, and if things got bad enough, you might even consider building a 10-foot cement wall around your garden to protect it.

This is what resentment does. Resentment leads us to shut off connections with others. Our good intention of saying yes, our desire to be helpful or avoid selfishness actually has led us to shut people out.

Consider instead a picket fence with a gate.

When we are able to set boundaries in our relationships with others- we will often find that we have more ability to connect and say yes to the things that matter the most to us. Saying no to the things that would lead to resentment is like the picket fence, and saying yes to the things we really care about are the gate. We can choose how and when we want to open the gate and interact with others, and we choose to say yes out of a desire to connect and help others rather than out of guilt or expectation.

If you struggle with setting boundaries, check out the following books:

Your Perfect Right, by Robert Alberti

Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab

If you’d like personalized help with boundary setting, call 801-944-4555 and schedule a session with Alice today!