What Do I Do With All This Pain? Four Emotion Regulation Skills for Difficult Emotions
Emotional pain is part of being human. Emotions such as disappointment, grief, anxiety, shame, anger, or loneliness can hurt in ways that feel very similar to physical pain. When these emotions feel strong, there is often an urgency to make them stop. This makes sense—our brains are wired to avoid pain.
When we're struggling with emotional pain, it's easy to become reactive. We may lash out, shut down, avoid, numb, or desperately search for relief. While those reactions make sense, they don't always help us move through painful and difficult emotions in a healthy way.
When my emotions feel overwhelming, I return to four simple steps: observe, validate, give the emotion a place to go, and then choose what to do next.
Observe What You’re Feeling
When emotional pain takes over, our attention narrows. We become focused on escaping the feeling rather than understanding what's happening.
Observation helps us slow down and get curious.
Observational language might sound like:
"I'm noticing that..."
"I'm aware that I'm feeling..."
"Right now, I'm feeling very..."
For the skeptics out there, there is solid science behind this approach. Research by neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman found that when people put their feelings into words, the brain's alarm system becomes less reactive. At the same time, parts of the brain involved in awareness and decision-making become more active.
This may help explain why naming an emotion often feels regulating. Saying "I'm feeling anxious" or "I'm noticing sadness" won't make the feeling disappear, but it can create enough space to respond instead of react.
Naming emotions may seem simple, but it helps us organize our emotional experience. It also creates some space between who we are and what we're feeling. We are experiencing pain, but we are not our pain.
Validate Your Emotional Experience
Validation is another powerful regulating tool.
When someone tells us, "I understand why you're feeling that way," we often feel less alone. Validation doesn't mean agreeing with everything we think or do. It means acknowledging that our emotions make sense in the context of our experience.
Learning to offer that same validation to ourselves can be incredibly helpful.
Many of us are much better at validating other people than we are at validating ourselves. We may worry that acknowledging our feelings will make them stronger or cause us to get stuck in them. In reality, validation doesn't mean giving up or agreeing with every thought we have. It simply means recognizing that our emotions are trying to communicate something. When we stop fighting our feelings, we often free up energy to respond to them more effectively.
I often imagine my emotions as different parts of myself, similar to the characters in the movie Inside Out.
Self-validation might sound like:
"I can see how angry you are."
"I understand why you're feeling hurt."
"Your sadness makes sense."
Rather than arguing with our emotions, we acknowledge them.
Give the Emotion a Place to Go
Sometimes emotions feel so large that they seem impossible to contain. When that happens, I use imagery to create a sense of emotional safety.
I imagine the emotion taking on a form and then create a space where it can exist fully without causing harm.
For example, I might imagine anger as fire. Then I picture a dragon breathing that fire straight into the sky. The sky is large enough to hold it. The fire is intense, powerful, and hot, but it isn't hurting anyone.
For sadness, I might imagine tears becoming a river flowing toward the ocean. The sadness can be as large as it needs to be. It has somewhere to go that can hold its vastness.
Different emotions may call for different images. The film Inside Out 2 did an amazing job of capturing the felt sense of anxiety. It used imagery of a massive whirl wind. I found it to be very relatable to most people who have felt intensely anxious.
If we used this strategy with that image we could imagine the anxiety take the form of the whirl wind—restless, fast-moving, and hard to hold onto. Then, instead of trying to stop the wind, we could take it a step further and imagine it moving through a wide open canyon or across a large field where it can blow as strongly as it needs to without causing damage. The wind is still there, but it no longer feels trapped inside me.
The specific image matters less than the experience of creating room for the emotion. When we stop fighting our feelings and instead give them a place to exist, they often become easier to carry. We can stay connected to the emotion without being overwhelmed by it.
Choose Your Next Step
After observing, validating, and making space for the emotion, I usually feel more grounded.
The emotion may still be present, but it is no longer in the driver's seat.
From that place, I can decide what I need next. Sometimes I need movement. Sometimes rest. Sometimes connection. Sometimes solitude.
Different activities help different emotional states. Sometimes our nervous system needs movement to release energy. Other times it needs rest, comfort, creativity, or connection. There isn't one "right" regulation skill. The goal is to find what helps you feel a little more grounded and supported in the moment.
For many people in Utah, the mix of a fast-paced lifestyle and easy access to outdoor spaces can make emotion regulation tools especially helpful. Stepping outside for a walk, sitting under open sky, or moving your body can make a meaningful difference when emotions feel overwhelming.
This is where a regulation menu can help.
Create an Emotion Regulation Menu
A regulation menu is simply a list of activities that help you care for yourself when emotions run high.
I recommend including a variety of options:
Indoor and outdoor activities
High-energy and low-energy activities
Solo and social activities
The more options you have, the more likely you'll find something that meets your needs in the moment.
Outdoor Options for High Energy
Go for a run
Walk with a heavy backpack
Go hiking
Sprint for 30 seconds to 2 minutes at a time
Outdoor Options for Low Energy
Visit a dog park
Walk on a paved trail
Lie on a blanket under a tree
Sit on a porch step
Go for a drive if you feel safe to do so
Park somewhere beautiful and sit with the windows down
Indoor Options for High Energy
Tense and relax your muscles
Twist side to side with loose, swinging arms
Cry
Yell into a pillow
Scribble on paper
Write continuously for 20 minutes
Tear up old ads or magazines
Indoor Options for Low Energy
Take a bath or shower
Apply lotion
Brush and floss your teeth thoroughly
Draw, doodle, or paint
Take a nap
Listen to music
Listen to an audiobook or podcast
Social Options
Call a friend and ask if they have space to listen
Set a time limit for venting, then spend time listening to them as well
Invite someone to cook a meal with you
Watch a movie together
Final Thoughts
Emotional pain isn't something we can always eliminate. Sometimes the goal is simply to stay present with it long enough to understand what it needs.
Observe it. Validate it. Give it a place to go. Then choose your next step.
You don't have to figure everything out in the middle of the storm. You only need enough steadiness to take the next helpful step forward. And if that feels difficult to do alone, support is available.
Working with Wasatch Family Therapy
There are moments when emotions feel too big to hold alone. Anxiety may keep your mind spinning long after the day is over. Grief may feel as though it follows you everywhere you go. Anger, shame, loneliness, or disappointment may continue showing up no matter how hard you try to push them away.
Therapy offers a space to slow down and make sense of those experiences. It can help you better understand your emotions, respond to them with greater intention, and develop tools that support long-term healing and growth.
At Wasatch Family Therapy, our therapists work with individuals, couples, and families facing a wide range of challenges, including anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, relationship concerns, and life transitions. We offer in-person appointments in Sandy, Lehi, and Farmington, as well as telehealth services throughout Utah.
To learn more or schedule an appointment, contact our team.
