“We Need to Work on Communication” - Every Couple Ever
The most common complaint I see from couples on intake assessments is “we need to work on communication.” What does this even mean?!?!
Couples come to my office with recognition that they are stuck having the same conversations over and over again that, over time, have resulted in feelings of isolation, disconnection, resentment, betrayal, and hopelessness. Yes, this is a communication issue on the surface, but what is more is that these patterns in our relationship are manifestations of unresolved attachment wounds and unattended attachment needs. When I say, “attachment” I am referring to our ability to securely connect to a safe person, where we can be accepted for who we are and trust our needs will be attended to. As Dr. Brad Reedy discusses in his podcast episode “Couples Work: Intimacy & Betrayal”, the fundamental tasks in a relationship are “1) telling the truth and being who you are, and 2) holding and containing the other person with love and kindness” (Reedy, 2021). A simple interpretation would be, “can I share and can I listen?” Both partners need to be able to do both tasks in order to build the emotional intimacy that dissolves those feelings of disconnection, resentment, betrayal, and hopelessness. Here’s how:
“Telling the truth and being who you are.” (Reedy, 2021) i.e. “Can I share?”
This is one’s ability to express their truth, needs, and desires, and authentic self. To do this, one has to have the courage to be vulnerable by letting your partner in; “here are my faults and fears and insecurities, my strengths and dreams and desires.” Fundamentally, this is your ability to share your “humanness” to your partner. In couples who I work with where there is some sort of breach in trust (infidelity, one person is leaving the Church, etc.) the ability for partners to speak the truth and be seen and accepted for who they are is ESSENTIAL for the survival of the relationship.
Tips for being who you are and speaking your truth: “Sharing”
Do your work. Find a therapist, friend, loved one who sees you, loves you, and accepts you for who you are to process old attachment wounds and practice being your authentic self with.
Practice naming your vulnerability in the moment by taking “baby steps” with your partner. For example, if it is too scary or risky to share your truth, tell your partner about the fear. It might sound something like this, “I want to share with you why I cheated, but I am scared at how you will react” or “I want to share with you about my journey out of the church, but I am really scared you will be hurt or will reject me.” Begin with talking about the fear of uncertainty in their reaction, their rejection or the fear that you will hurt their feelings. Begin by talking about whatever emotion is preventing you from sharing your deeper experience.
2.“Holding and containing the other person with love and kindness” (Reedy, 2021) i.e “Can I listen?”
In addition to being able to speak your truth, you also have to listen and hold the truth of your partner. Doing this with non-judgment, curiosity, and love is key to showing your partner that their vulnerabilities are safe with you. These are basic requirements to establish emotional safety.
Tips for being able to listen with love and kindness: “Listening”
Again, do your work. Having a compassionate and competent listener, whether that is a friend or a therapist, is so important to being able to grow into the listening partner we want to be.
Attune to, manage, and regulate your triggers. When you are listening to your partner speak their truth, you may not like what they are saying and it may be hurtful at times. Take care of your triggers by noticing when you feel it in your body (ex: “my stomach just clenched and tears are filling my eyes as they talk about how they don’t believe in my faith anymore”). When we notice our body’s reactions, we can then respond to ourselves compassionately. That might sound like, “What you are saying is so important to me and I want to make sure I am able to hear it all, but a lot of emotions are coming up for me right now. I’m going to go take a walk, but I want to hear more when I come back.” Or it might sound like, “Can you pause there for a minute? I’m still here with you, but I’m having a reaction to what you just said, so I need a minute to breathe right here in silence. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to hear more.”
Listen with this as your mantra, “I am listening to my partner with only one purpose: to give my partner a chance to suffer less.” (Nhat Hanh, 2013, p. 44)
By holding the intention of helping your partner suffer less, we are protected by our compassion from bitterness, anger, blame, or accusations that your partner may make (Nhat Hanh, 2013). When you are no longer able to hold this mantra, it signals that you need a break from listening.
So, if any of this resonates with you and your partner, or if you would like to learn how to really communicate with your partner, let’s chat. You can schedule with me through this website or by calling our receptionist. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and I am looking forward to helping you on your life journey. <3
Andréa Martin, CSW
References:
Reedy, B. (Host). (2021, December 29). Couples Work: Intimacy & Betrayal (No. 441) [Audio podcast episode]. In Finding You: An Evoke Therapy Podcast. https://soundcloud.com/evoketherapyprograms/couples-work-intimacy-betrayal-ep-441
Nhat Hanh, T. (2013). The Art of Communication. HarperCollins.
