Faith Transitions: Managing Relationship Transitions, When Faith Transitions
I have a best friend. His name is Matt. Matt and I met at a series of church activities when we were teenagers in western Massachusetts. We played in a punk band together, talked about girls, drank sugary drinks from gas stations, and jointly ranked the lightsaber duels in the Star Wars movies. Sounds like a beautiful friendship, right? In an almost serendipitous proclamation of the power of our friendship, we were even called to start our two-year LDS service mission on the same day. A few years ago, over dinner, Matt shared with me that he would be leaving the LDS church due to various reasons and concerns. Matt was decisive in this but also made it clear that this was not an easy decision that he’d made. He had been wrestling with it for some time.
Let’s be honest. The LDS church continues to be prominent in Utah. Either you’re a member of the church, a former member, or if neither, you have multiple relationships with people affiliated or that have a history with the church. Matt is far from the only person I know that has experienced a faith transition. In this post, I would like to address those of us who still identify as being LDS or “still in the church.” Because relationships can play such a big part in our mental health, it is my hope to provide support in keeping our important relationships genuine, positive, connected, and healthy even as someone we love is experiencing a faith transition.
When our loved ones experience a faith transition, we can have many complicated feelings. Some of these feelings may include feeling defensive, disappointed, and some levels of denial. We can also feel guilty or hold ourselves responsible- “If only I would’ve done x or y, they would still be in the church. These feelings are natural and part of the grief cycle. It’s hard and it’s messy, just like many other changes in our life.
As I work with clients, I find it helpful to explore the “why” of our emotions. When we can figure out the why, we can be empowered to find the best ways to resolve the emotions we’re feeling. Why do we feel so sad when a loved one leaves the church? At first, we may come up with answers like “They won’t have the same blessings anymore,” or “They won’t have the Holy Ghost with them.” When I started digging deeper within myself, I discovered some more genuine and vulnerable reasons. I discovered what I was really worried about was that we wouldn’t be as close anymore with differences in spiritual beliefs. I was worried that they would not respect my beliefs because some of those same beliefs weren’t working for them. I also discovered that I could feel insecure about my own beliefs when someone I knew transitioned out of our shared faith. These are real emotions and concerns that any of us can experience. It is possible to allow ourselves to experience these emotions while at the same time being supportive and loving to our loved ones in faith transitions. The following are some helpful points to keep in mind as we navigate our relationships with those in a faith transition.
-Faith transitions are difficult for everyone including the person in the transition
As I stated above, when a loved one starts to experience a transition, we will experience a grieving or transition process ourselves. It may even feel like a crisis. It is crucial that we understand the person in the transition is grieving as well. Their main belief system has been rocked and they will now need to find different ways to experience the safety and security they previously had in their belief system. The person may be experiencing a lot of confusion as they re-explore their beliefs and look at new ones.
-They are still the same person you love. There can be a lot of questions on the direction the person will take their life, but we need to remember they are still the same person we have had the relationship with. They often will have many of the same values, interests, and personalities. People that have experienced faith transitions still love to serve, be helpful and connect with others. They often still value the relationship just as you do and want that relationship maintained.
-Faith transitions are complicated. There are often assumptions in the LDS church that when someone leaves it is because they have a desire to participate in “sinful” behavior, that they were offended, or that their testimony wasn’t strong enough. I think often these are stories we tell ourselves to try to decrease the discomfort we feel about them leaving. It can be appropriate and helpful to ask the person if they feel comfortable sharing with us the journey of their faith transition and the reasons behind it. Most often, these people have had years of wrestling, leading up to this choice. If the person feels safe discussing with you, it can be a very important experience for them to talk about it. Inviting them to be open and honest with you can help the relationship feel even more secure going forward.
-They can still appreciate and respect your belief system. Just because someone may distance themselves from the belief system you used to share does not mean they don’t still value your beliefs. They may be dealing with their own complicated feelings, and at times anger or hurt but if they cherished and believed in it previously, they can also understand how it is still special to you.
-Asking and seeking answers is the foundation of our faith. Remember, the LDS faith was founded by a 14-year-old boy asking questions. In church, we state that we value asking questions and seeking answers. This is our opportunity to be congruent with this value in respecting their answer-seeking and wrestling with their own faith and values.
-Open communication is key.
As with any relationship, open communication is key. Everyone’s faith transition is different and in order to support and strengthen the relationship we need to have a clear understanding of where the person is at so assumptions aren’t made. Ask the person what they are willing to talk about, and seek understanding and clarification. Ask how they can be supported and find out what they would like the relationship to look like as you can also communicate what you would like the relationship to look like.
We love and are dedicated to our beliefs. When someone we dearly love moves away from those beliefs that is a hard thing. There is anxiety in the process of re-defining the relationship, but the relationship can be just as connecting and loving as it was before. Matt is a great guy. We are still best friends. We still have deep and connecting conversations, we still remind each other of funny stories from growing up, and maybe most importantly, we can still discuss the merits of the newest Marvel movie.
