Healing From Betrayal and Developing Healthy Intimacy
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Humans need relationships. From infancy, we learn to depend on others for our well-being. As we grow we become more independent, however even as adults we need relationships to create a strong sense of self and a secure base we can fall back on when bad things happen.
How Does Betrayal Trauma Occur
According to Dr Freyd, “Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being” (2008). This betrayal can take many forms; including romantic affairs, pornography use, lying about addictions or finances, etc.
These betrayals create attachment injuries. These emotional wounds can rock our whole concept of ourselves and the world. Even if the betrayed partner leaves the relationship, they may have trouble trusting or being open in any relationship.
Just like with physical wounds, these deep attachment injuries often need to be cleaned out, reset, and given time to heal so a person can continue having healthy relationships.
Healing from Betrayal
Those who experience betrayal often get stuck in “fight or flight” mode and have trouble healing on their own. Here are three things to keep in mind on your own healing journey.
Understand what is your responsibility, and what isn’t
I will say it again, betrayals rock our entire sense of self and safety. Too often, we try to rebalance by taking on all the blame. Subconsciously, we feel we can be safe again if we believe that we did something to deserve this pain and hurt. Betrayed partners will wonder if they had given more time, attention, or love to their partner then maybe they wouldn’t be in this situation. That is not true!
The only person responsible for a lie is the one telling it. The first step in recovering from betrayal is acknowledging that a person you love chose to do something that hurt you and that you didn’t deserve it.Know healing happens first individually
This leads us to the next step. Before you can even attempt to heal your relationship, some individual healing needs to happen. Betrayals often create a “black hole” where our self-worth should be. Before moving forward, a person needs to find a way to cement up that hole with self-love and self-validation. This foundation will allow a betrayed partner to trust again because they know they have their own foundation to fall back on.You know what is best for you
The number one question I get asked is, “Is this relationship worth saving?” As a therapist, here’s my secret solution.
You know what’s best for you. Once a person is able to fill that hole and get out of “fight or flight” mode, they can decide what is worth their effort moving forward. It is very possible for a relationship to heal and grow even stronger after a betrayal if both partners are willing to put in the work, have patience, and accept responsibility for what is truly theirs to own. (Please note I said if. Healing is NOT possible if there isn’t evidence of change.)
That being said, sometimes it’s necessary for our healing to leave emotional baggage in the past and start fresh. Once you have put in the work to heal individually, you can trust your gut to know what is right for you.
Where to Find Therapy for Betrayal Trauma and Healthy Intimacy
If you or a loved one need more help overcoming betrayal trauma and developing healthy intimacy, it may be time to schedule a therapy appointment. To schedule your appointment with our Utah therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy text or call us at 801.944.4555 or click here to use our online appointment request form.
Resources:
Fife, S. T., Gossner, J. D., Theobald, A., Allen, E., Rivero, A., & Heather, K. (2023). Couple healing from infidelity: A grounded theory study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(12), 3882–3905. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231177874
Freyd, Jennifer. (2008). ‘Betrayal trauma’. In Gilbert Reyes, Jon D. Elhai and Julian D. Ford (eds.), Encyclopedia of Psychological Trauma. New York: John Wiley and Sons.
