Codependency: Anxiety Manifesting in Relationships
Yes, you read it correctly: this post is about codependency. Yes, I said that socially awful word, (and I’ll say it again louder this time): CODEPENDENCY!
My hope for this post is that I can first help you better understand what it means to struggle with codependency and also help decrease any negative feelings that may surface (towards yourself or others) with this word.
Society has created a culture of shame around the word codependency. I’ve had clients tell me that they are really worried about being (or becoming) a 'codependent person'. Their tone of voice seems to become more secretive when they say it. Why is this? I can totally understand not wanting to struggle with codependency (just like not wanting to have depression or anxiety) AND I also think that the shame associated with the term gives the impression that someone is “bad” if they have any codependent traits.
So what does codependency actually mean? If you browse around on the interwebs or in old-school, paperback dictionaries, you will find a bunch of different definitions. I personally like Melody Beattie’s definition in Codependent No More, defining a codependent person as “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” (34).
Ultimately, this definition sounds a lot like a reaction to anxiety in relationships. I specialize in treating clients with anxiety, OCD and trauma-related disorders, and I see codependent traits quite frequently.
Historically, the term ‘codependency’ is linked to certain behaviors often seen in family members and loved ones of people who struggle with addiction or severe mental health issues. According to the historical meaning, If a member in your family, or a member of your family generations ago, has struggled with addiction or severe mental health issues, then you are at risk of developing codependency. Wow - that’s a lot of people who are at risk of developing codependent traits due to factors that are completely out of their control!
I’ll throw in a plot twist: Dependency in relationships is not always bad. When we are little babies, we depend upon our parents’ reactions to us and the world to better understand what is safe and where we fit into the world. Similarly, parents often depend on their babies’ reactions to see if they are keeping their baby alive well enough (since babies don’t have verbal language yet). This is normal and appropriate.
Humans are also relational beings. We use verbal and nonverbal feedback from other people to understand how we are showing up in the world. We influence other people and we are also influenced by other people. Internally, our thoughts, feelings and behaviors also have a relational component to one another; our thoughts impact our feelings and our behaviors and vice versa. This is normal and appropriate.
What happens with codependency is that we develop a belief that our thoughts, feelings and behaviors (and/or others’ thoughts, feelings and behaviors) have an abnormal and inappropriate impact on relational dynamics. For example, I might start to think that my feelings of embarrassment, shame, anger, etc., are actually your responsibility to manage because of something you said to me. While you may have said something that influenced my emotions, you are not responsible for managing my emotions. When I am thinking and acting from a place of codependency, I am actually not taking responsibility for my own decisions in how I manage my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Instead, I am placing that responsibility onto you. In doing this, I am actually teaching my brain that 1) I can’t handle my emotions, 2) My emotions are dangerous, and 3) You are better equipped to manage emotions than I am.
Codependent dynamics are then reinforced by the relationships the codependent person is in. For example, if I believe that I can’t handle my emotions and that you are better equipped to handle my emotions, I might seek you out to rescue me from my emotions. In other words, I will invite you to manage my emotions for me. If you accept that invitation, you are then allowing yourself to be pulled into this codependent dynamic. Now, I am not the only person who is struggling with codependency. We both are. And it is so very easy to get sucked into this dynamic.
In order to resist the urge or pull to codependency, here are some steps that you can take:
Notice your own role in how you are currently thinking, feeling or behaving. Our brains love to play the blame game and try to displace blame onto others. One of the best things you can do is to focus on your own interactions with yourself and others to identify how you may be creating or perpetuating codependency traits. By taking ownership of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you are also teaching your brain that you can handle YOU. Imagine how that might impact your mental health if you feel capable and qualified to handle YOU. If you know people in your life who exhibit codependent behaviors and invite you to act similarly, it is just as important that you focus on your own role in your interactions with those people. How do you invite them to remain codependent through your actions? What might your actions be communicating to them? The more you can focus on your own role and take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, the more you can role model for others how to thrive without codependent behaviors.
Teach people how to treat you. If you are wanting to either avoid codependent behaviors or decrease codependent behaviors, it is your responsibility to teach other people how to interact with you differently. If you wait until someone else decides to change their behavior, you will be waiting for a very long time, if not forever. If you are wanting someone to stop feeding your codependent behaviors (such as trying to make you feel better when you are stressed instead of allowing you to do it for yourself), you can pause the other person in the moment, thank them for trying to help you, and then tell them that you need them to let you practice whatever is needed in the moment (such as a breathing technique or other coping skill) on your own.
