Reparenting & Healing Your Inner Child

In recent years, the expression "inner child" has made its way to the general public. But it is rarely well understood. Yet it is a personal development tool commonly used in therapy. A person who is cut off from their inner child is parasitized by many toxic feelings, they may experience emotions such as shame, abandonment, guilt, and feelings of helplessness without consciously knowing where these emotions are coming from. 

A recent study conducted in Sweden among a group of elderly individuals aged 70 to 91 indicated that the experience of their inner child had been present throughout their lifespan, highlighting the trajectory of the inner child continues to affect the individual’s affects, thoughts,  perceptions, and behaviors. 

On paper, your life may seem like it is checking all the boxes, you seem to have all the cards in your hand to be happy, but on a daily basis, it feels as if something is still missing. A sentiment of melancholy might set in without really knowing why. You may have the feeling of being stuck in an existence that does not really satisfy you. And for no good apparent reason, your actions seem guided by emotions that paralyze you and run your life independently of your willpower.  You may experience being assailed by great sadness, melancholy, or lack of motivation even though you have just experienced a happy or interesting event. You may also feel a deep boredom, a vagueness in the soul even though you are passionate about what you do.  In the scheme of this apparently unfounded sadness, you can go through moments of great anger which can result in turn in a feeling of internal turmoil or in very great impulsiveness.

How to explain this type of behavior which, on a daily basis, perhaps affects you more and more? Certainly, we all evolve according to our individual history and according to our personality, but when deeply emotional behaviors end up governing our lives, it is often the manifestation of our inner child and more particularly of his wounds.

Our inner child is the sum of all our childhood experiences, whether good or traumatic. He thus participates fully in our construction as an adult. If we feel disconnected from our inner child, or not even aware of its presence, it is due to a natural developmental mechanism: we need to grow away from the childhood phase of our psycho-physiological to adapt to adulthood and its social, family, and cultural constraints. That normal development grows away from the child-like parts that still exist within our psyche. 

When we know how to listen to our inner child and heal their wounds, it can positively impact our life. But when we ignore it or have not yet become aware of its influence, our inner child and more particularly its wounded part, can take the reins of our daily life by imposing its survival patterns on us, namely emotional behaviors governed by fears rooted in our childhood, as opposed to the wise, rationality expected of an adult. And it may be your case today, even if you are not (yet) really aware of it.

Indeed, it is possible that you do not have the feeling of having lived one or even traumatic experience(s) which would explain why these wounds still guide you today. 

As such, it is important to keep in mind that we all have our own experiences of trauma. Thus, if some people have a particularly strong capacity for resilience in the face of an event of great violence, trauma can arise, in others, from a more diffuse feeling of rejection, lack of love, abandonment, injustice, humiliation, or even emotional absence from a parental figure.
So, maybe you had the impression, during your childhood, of never having the right to make mistakes, of being constantly blamed or belittled? This very painful emotional experience can be very similar to trauma and promote, from childhood, a lack of autonomy or self-esteem, an inability to move forward in your projects, and certain negative corollaries such as emotional co-dependence or self-sabotage.

While we are not responsible for what happens in our childhood, we are responsible to heal our adult self and its relationship to its inner child. Reconnecting to our inner child through positive, effective reparenting of oneself is a gateway to an authentic, intimate connection with ourselves that leads to emotional autonomy and a comforting sense of self-connection. 

Here are some guidelines to start renewing your relationship with your inner child to become your own sturdy internal parent. 

1. Getting curious about the nature of our recurring fears:

1. The first step in overcoming our anxiety and/or stress is determining its nature and how it expressed itself through our body and putting those experiences into words. Does it express itself through tension? Tightness? Heart palpitations? Muscular tension? A dry mouth? Gut pain? Shaking?

2. How do you react to anxiety and fear? Do you tend to run away from the situation or do you freeze? Do you procrastinate or do you become irritable and reactive? Do you direct yourself toward toxic distractions? 

3. How do you psychologically react to your anxiety/fears? Do you tend to experience shame or do you hook into stories around your fear, creating even more anxiety? Do you move into self-doubt and self-criticism? 

2. Some clues that your inner child might be in charge of you at a particular moment:

1. I feel some fear/anxiety when I have to face new situations

2. I need the approval of family/friends/partner. I look to please them to stay safe. 

3. I experience regular conflict with others

4. I avoid conflicts as much as possible even when it means betraying my values

5. I hold onto everything and have a hard time letting go

6. I rarely feel good enough

7. I tend to prove my worth to others to be accepted by them

8. I do not know my authentic values

9. I say yes too often

10. I am afraid that my emotions will overwhelm me if I feel them

11. I fear rejection if I express my opinion and emotions

12. I am afraid to fail and to feel like a failure

3. Self-regulation as a calming adult-like presence:

1. Our psyche is a self-regulating system and fear is an integral part of that system to keep us safe. When we do experience rational or irrational fears rooted in the past, perceive it as a call for self-regulation so that your nervous system will be calm enough to instigate a compassionate discussion with your inner child. Bring your attention to the part of your body that feels the fear alarm, and practice mindful breathing (box breathing and/or abdominal breathing). 

4. Developing a kind, non-judgmental dialogue with our inner child:

1. As you become aware of the ways in which your inner child shows up and examines its needs, the first step of reparenting yourself is becoming a safe, listening space by connecting to your Self or wise adult self that is always in your psyche. To reparent oneself with compassion and benevolent attentiveness means being empathic and responsive to all your internal parts and emotions. 

2. What are the emotional experiences you wish you had received as a child, but may not have received enough of? It could be unconditional love and acceptance, being wholly cherished for who you were.

If you need help reparenting and healing your inner child, our team of professionals looks forward to helping you by providing compassionate, professional mental health and relationship therapy services. Schedule your appointment by clicking here.