How Self-Awareness Can Help You as a Parent
“When the parent-child relationship triggers a parent’s unresolved issues, it is time to reflect on what internal process may be creating the external disconnection.” (Siegel & Hartzell, 2013, p. 173).
What you go through in childhood impacts how you show up as an adult today. Experiences that hang out in our brains and bodies without being fully processed become unresolved issues. Sometimes a state of avoidance and/or dissociation can be preferred; it might feel safer to ignore past experiences or maybe you have a hard time recalling that experience altogether. Either way, our brain is doing its job by protecting us from threats; let’s take a minute to thank our brain for doing that! The tricky thing about trauma is that even though it seems like you've disconnected from hurtful experiences, the pain is still there and may trigger unexpected or unwanted emotional responses.
Unresolved issues may lead to increased stress and an array of triggering events. In these moments you might feel overwhelmed with emotions, present with a rigid mindset, struggle to think clearly and have difficulty maintaining a positive emotional connection with your child. Typically, the cycle includes: [1] the presentation of an external or internal trigger, that once activated leads to [2] feeling on edge, which can result in [3] intense emotions, feeling out of control, and being stuck. This is where you may start to re-experience the past or shut down. It may be hard to recognize in the moment that something from the past is coming up. Recovery is always possible in this cycle as you begin to link past experiences to current patterns. Increasing awareness of triggers is a good place to start. Are there times, places, or events that cause increased distress? Maybe you become overwhelmed during parent-child separations. Is it difficult to manage stress during bedtime routines? Is your child testing your boundaries? Was there a moment in your past that is somehow linked to this moment now?
If you feel stuck in these patterns, therapy can help. When you understand the links between instinctual responses and stored memories, you begin healing those unresolved issues. As you become more aware of triggers, you can find new meaning and self-acceptance. Your past experiences do not define you or dictate your future! In therapy, you can learn to respect the way your body sends you protective messages, heal unresolved trauma, and shape the way you create attachments to others. Parent or not, you deserve to feel supported in a process that takes patience and time.
For similar parenting tips, I highly suggest reading Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
References
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition (Anniversary). TarcherPerigee.
