Common Humanity: A Doorway to Self-Compassion
Do you tend to be hard on yourself? When you make a mistake, do you notice that self-blame and judgment end up making everything worse? Do you feel isolated and lonely? Do you struggle with perfectionism? Do you feel embarrassed or overwhelmed by your emotions?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may benefit from a Self-Compassion practice. Many of us grew up believing we were special and above average. The self-esteem movement, though well-intentioned, has created a generation that struggles with performance-based worth, comparison, and competition. Many of us were praised as kids for being more mature than our peers or for being a good example. We may have been told that the family or religious group we belonged to meant we were held to a higher standard than others. We may have learned to hide and deny our weaknesses and mistakes. We may have developed beliefs that normal human emotions like anger or pain are bad and wrong. These messages cut us off from connection with ourselves and others, make us think we need to be superhuman, and increase the power of shame in our lives.
According to the work of Kristin Neff, there are 3 basic components of Self-Compassion:
Self-Kindness: We choose to be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.
Common Humanity: We recognize our humanness and feel connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering.
Mindfulness: We hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.
Each of these components can serve as a doorway to the felt experience of Self-Compassion. Some of these doorways may be more challenging for us to access than others. As humans, we are all in process. We learn and grow gradually, and we are all dealing with pain, weakness, and challenges. Suffering is a great equalizer of humanity. The pain I feel in difficult times is the same pain that you feel in difficult times. It is the same pain that our children feel in their difficult times. The triggers may be different, the circumstances may be different, and the degree of pain may be different, but the experience is the same. Brené Brown (2015) says: “What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” Our lives are interconnected, and compassion is relational. Because compassion means “to suffer with,” connecting with other people is an essential part of the experience. Here are 4 suggestions of things you can do to strengthen your ability to access the Common Humanity doorway to Self-Compassion.
Find, follow, and build friendships with authentic people.
Technology has made it more possible than ever to find and connect with people who have experiences like ours. No matter how rare our situation is, someone else somewhere out there can relate because emotions are a human experience. Find people who speak openly and honestly about their life, their thoughts, and their feelings. Follow social media influencers who keep it real. Look at blogs that talk about struggles, grief, and everyday challenges as well as good and joyful things. Get lost in a novel. Read memoirs about how others have overcome challenges. Join social media groups where people can talk about hard things. Listen to podcasts that get personal. If the friends you hang out with pressure you to conform, pretend, or perform, work on finding some new friends.
Participate in group experiences.
Make time to gather with people of all ages and from all walks of life. Put yourself in places where you can experience things with people you don’t know. Enjoy the feeling of everyone clapping, cheering, gasping in surprise, singing, dancing, or crying together. Attend concerts, go see a play, watch a movie in the theater and notice the people around you and their reactions, enjoy live sporting events, and gather with others to worship. See, hear, and feel that you are not alone.
Connect via music, art, dance, or poetry.
Sometimes we experience things that are difficult to put into words, so we use the arts to communicate. When we relate to a piece of artwork or a poem, we know that the artist too has felt what we are feeling and tried to capture it. When we feel angry, sad, and alone we can listen to songs that remind us that others also feel that way sometimes.
Practice vulnerability.
Have the courage to be real. Find safe spaces to let your imperfections be seen. Acknowledge your emotions and practice letting yourself feel them without excuse, explanation, or self-deprecation. Be someone who others can turn to for an accurate picture of the shared human experience. When we see that we are not exceptions, shame loses its power.
Self-Compassion is life-changing. It helps us find emotional stability, build resiliency, find moments of grace and love even in the midst of difficult experiences, and creates space for us to learn, grow and develop through connecting authentically with ourselves and others.
References:
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution. Random House.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Harper Collins.
