How to Help a Loved One Grieve

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

Losing a loved one is difficult, painful, and lonely. Watching someone you love grieve is also a difficult place to be in. This is for you if you’re trying to help your spouse through grief or a loved one who is grieving. Remember there is no “right” way to grieve.

The Reality of Grief

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same. Nor would you want to!" - Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler from "On Grief and Grieving."

We live in a society that is uncomfortable with death and grieving; we just want people to "get over it" and be done. It makes us feel better if they are back to "normal" and are "okay", then we can return to our lives without guilt. However, grief is complicated, messy, and full of emotions that we don't want to acknowledge, let alone feel. So, what happens when we lose, or someone that we are close to, loses a person in their life? A spouse, child, parent, or friend. How can we help them, or ourselves, with this messy grief business? Honestly, the answer is so simple yet so complicated at the same time; grief is as unique and individual for each person as their fingerprint.

Helpful Tips for Helping your Loved one Grieve

There is no "right" way to do it. There are a few things that may be helpful and healing in your grief journey.

Be There

Grieving is a lonely, isolating business. Sure, there is the initial influx of mourners that surround the family in the days and weeks immediately following the loss, but what about after that? Can you be that person who shows up, texts, or calls just to chat, go for a walk, or grab a cup of coffee and give the grief-stricken a sense of normalcy while chaos reigns elsewhere in their life? It's often said, "Let me know what I can do to help." Often however, amid grief, people aren't even aware of what they need, nor do they want to impose on family or friends and ask for help, but they crave human interaction and connection. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but just knowing that someone is there and cares can make all the difference during those really difficult moments.

Listening to the Tale

Just as each person has their own grief journey they each have their own tale of grief, how they came to the painful spot where they dwell. While those on the periphery may have witnessed and been part of that journey, it may be surprising how the mourner interprets their experience. For some, telling the tale is cathartic and allows them to release what they've held within themselves: guilt, shame, anger, fear, and relief. While for others it gives them space to voice the confusion of trying to process a surreal experience.

Your loved one who is grieving may be trying to process the surreal experience teye just went through or trying to wrap their head around someone being here one minute and gone the next. They may need to express what that was like for them. They may feel almost desperate, at times, to have someone understand and validate them. They don't need anyone to "fix" it for them, no one can. But to have you say, "Yep, that sucked,” might mean the world to them.

The "Right" Way Doesn't Exist

As a society we have constructed this movie image of what grief should look like, the bereaved go into a deep mourning for a while, but then they pull themselves together, "move on" with their lives, and the grief is finished. In reality, grief presents itself in a multitude of variations.

For some, there is the anticipatory grief that accompanies a long illness. For others, there is the acute, shocking grief from a sudden death. Yet still for others, there is the guilt-ridden survivors' grief that can accompany trauma and suicide.

With such differences in experiences, how can we really expect people to process grief in the same way, within the same timeline, and with the same reactions? We can't; it's a preposterous assertion.

Resources for Grief

Need help or know someone who needs help processing the grief related to losing a loved one? The compassionate therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy can help you wade through the sea of emotions that accompany the grief journey, we would be honored to stand witness to your tale and help you find the "new" you that evolves from the death experience.

Schedule your appointment today by calling 801.944.4555, texting 801.944.4555‬, or filling out this appointment request form.

*Note: This post was originally written by an intern of Wasatch Family Therapy in 2018 and updated by the Wasatch Family Therapy Team in 2024.