Are We Compatible? Relationship Advice For How Couples Can Fight Fair
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What exactly does compatibility mean? Do healthy couples fight? How do we fight fair? When do we need marriage therapy? Does couples counseling actually work? If you’re searching for the best relationship advice when it comes to dealing with conflict in your relationship, you’ve found it.
Compatibility in Relationships
Opinions range from the alignment of interests and goals to the notion that there can’t be any disagreements or conflicts within relationships. However, according to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary compatibility is, “being capable of existing together in harmony”. Dr. John Gottman (2016), a world-renowned relationship researcher, described compatibility as “Agreeability and conscientiousness are the characteristics that people really mean when they talk about “compatibility.” These qualities are indexed by a person being able to say things like “Good point,” or “That’s interesting, tell me more” or, “You may be right, and I may be wrong” during a disagreement.”
It’s always interesting to me that couples often fear that they are incompatible if they encounter conflict within their relationship. Conflict and the ability to address and resolve it are important aspects of relationships; it says a lot about the relationship’s strength when a couple or family is willing to confront the areas of conflict in their relationship.
Relationship Conflicts: Are They Always Bad?
There is a myth perpetuated by society and the media that “healthy” relationships are conflict-free. That’s an unachievable expectation that can be dangerous to a connected relationship. How can everyone’s needs be met if unmet needs can’t be expressed because it is seen as starting a fight?
You’ll notice the wording is changed in the last question from conflict to fight because many times the two words are used interchangeably. Fight, typically, has a negative connotation that denotes a level of aggression or force, however. While conflict simply implies a disagreement. Often though, couples and families see any form of disagreement as a fight and it can feel dangerous to the relationships.
It’s important to recognize that you can have a conflict/argument/disagreement and the relationship can still feel safe.
Rules For Safe Disagreements: How Can Couples Fight Fair
If couples can set up a few rules for how they are going to “fight” they can maintain safety, not just physical, but emotional and psychological as well. Below is a list of a few of the boundaries that couples start with while encouraging them to add a few that are relevant to their situations:
Use “I” and “me” statements. If it’s important to you then make sure you are keeping it about who it is important to. “You” statements can feel very blaming.
Keep the volume in check. While some people’s voices get very animated and the volume increases as they get elevated regardless if it’s from excitement or frustration, it can be very scary. No yelling and screaming!
Keep the language respectful. Personal attacks on character, name-calling, mocking, being sarcastic, condescending, or patronizing are all ways that can leave people feeling devalued and demoralized.
Avoid telling your partner how they do or should be feeling. Everyone is entitled to their feelings regardless of whether they make sense to others. Use this as an opportunity to be curious about your partner and their experience.
Take a break when needed. A negotiated 20-minute timeout to re-group and calm down can do wonders for a disagreement while reinforcing the importance of safety in the relationship.
Conflict is an important part of relationships, as Dr. Gottman said they introduce diversity and make relationships more interesting. Additionally, they can be used as avenues to deepen our connections with partners by exposing and discussing vulnerabilities. However, for a conflict to be an opportunity to grow it must feel safe for both parties to express those vulnerabilities. Fight for your relationships and connections, not against them!
Resources to Help Couples Fight Fair
If you’ve used the above list of rules for fighting fair and are still having issues, it may be time to seek help. Our marriage therapists are ready to provide a safe place for you and your partner to explore a better way to handle conflict in your relationship. Call 801.944.4555, text 801.944.4555, or fill out this form to get relationship help. Schedule your initial appointment for marriage therapy in Utah, marriage therapy in Arizona, couples therapy in Utah, couples therapy in Arizona, couples therapy near me, or marriage therapy near me today.
