Give Yourself the Gift of Self-Compassion
For a moment, remember a time you made a mistake, large or small. Maybe it is the kind of mistake that resulted in negative consequences. It could have been one that caused you sadness or embarrassment. Perhaps it is the kind that pops into your head at inopportune times, accompanied by thoughts and feelings of self-judgment and inadequacy. “Ugh, I’m so stupid,” your mind says. “I’m always screwing things up.” Or, “There I go again; I can’t do anything right.”
Most of us, at one time or another, have had these kinds of automatic negative thoughts either during or after we make a mistake, encounter an uncomfortable situation, or notice something about ourselves we wish to change. But as common as they are, these thoughts aren’t productive or helpful. While self-criticism can bring short-term motivation to some, it is ineffective at bringing about lasting change. More often, this type of self-judgment leaves us feeling discouraged, unmotivated, and can affect the way we treat ourselves and others.
How to Begin Practicing Self-Compassion
The antidote to self-criticism is self-compassion, a powerful way of changing the way we relate to ourselves. Self-compassion can help alleviate the shame we feel about imperfect things we do, both intentional and unintentional, that cause us distress or embarrassment. When we are self-compassionate, we release the need to beat ourselves up for being human, which leads to greater self-confidence, a sense of well-being, and a heightened ability to be compassionate toward people in our lives.
Be kind and understanding towards yourself
You will never hear anyone else’s voice as much as you hear your own. What you say to yourself, and how you say it, matters. When you catch your mind offering self-judgment, take a moment to pause and notice it, then continue the thought with a more neutral “AND” statement. Our mind might produce the thought “You really screwed up this time,” we could then add “AND I am putting in the work to improve.” Another automatic thought might be “I’m struggling so much,” and we could continue, “AND I recognize the progress I am making.” This dialectical, both/and thinking is an act of kindness to yourself that is an important part of self-compassion.
It’s easy to fall into black and white thinking, believing that we are either all good or all bad. But the truth of who we are is somewhere in between. You can be a good person and still make poor choices sometimes. You can be independent and self-sufficient, and you can still want or need help sometimes. You can be doing your best and still be working on areas of self-improvement. Psychologist Carl Rogers said, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Self-compassion helps us see ourselves as we really are and sets us up for success as we set goals to improve.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes
Regret is hard, but living for years with self-judgment is harder. Forgiving yourself allows you to see the context for why you do certain things you might not be proud of. As columnist Paul Prather said, it’s likely “you did the best you could with the information you had at the time.” Our behavior may be a product of many things: what we know, who we spend time with, past experiences, stories we tell ourselves, and situational context. We learn from choices we make when we are self-compassionate enough to reflect on them clearly. Self-compassion comes from taking ownership for our part in regrettable circumstances, while at the same time knowing that it is human to mess up, and we can make better choices going forward. Your life and decisions may have unfolded very differently from what you had hoped or expected. Be self-compassionate by grieving missed chances and poor choices, while still having hope and resolve to improve using the information you have now.
Accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all
Being a human means you will have a wide range of uncomfortable experiences. Difficult days, big mistakes, hard feelings, and relationship struggles are all part of life. The way we react to these things can even amplify their effect on us. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, and frustrated without piling on an extra layer of judgment and shame for having human emotions. We can’t always control the things that happen to us, and we can’t always simply decide to be happy in the midst of them, but we can treat ourselves with kindness and understanding no matter the circumstance.
Being human also means you aren’t perfect, and aren’t expected to be. Just as it wouldn’t make sense to ridicule a baby for falling down while learning to walk, it doesn’t make sense to be unnecessarily harsh about your own missteps. When a baby falls down, wise caretakers show a lighthearted reaction, don’t take occasional minor spills too seriously, and yet stay mindful to help when the baby needs it. You, like all of us, are still learning to navigate life. When you inevitably slip up, try to have a sense of humor, don’t overreact to minor mistakes, and allow yourself grace for those times you need extra help to get back up again. By responding to your own imperfections like a loving caregiver, you cultivate self-compassion.
Self Compassion Exercises
As you work towards being self-compassionate, it may not feel natural at first, especially if you have a loud and active inner critic. Some things, or self compassion exercises, that can help are:
Developing a mindfulness practice to better tolerate the discomfort of negative events or emotions.
Journaling about feelings of all kinds to increase your acceptance of them as a normal part of human life.
Starting a self-gratitude list naming the ways you find your unique traits valuable.
Implementing a meditation or visualization practice centering on radical acceptance.
Offering more thoughtful and generous compassion to others. As you practice giving grace and latitude to others for their failings, you’ll be more compassionate about your own.
Seeking the support of a therapist to help you work through regret, shame, or self-doubt.
Research shows that practicing self-compassion can increase healthy motivation for change, help us manage our emotions, increase our overall sense of well-being, and even improve mental function. Give yourself the enduring gift of self-compassion by offering yourself kindness and understanding, forgiving yourself for past mistakes, and accepting yourself fully, with all of your unique strengths and weaknesses. Self-compassion is a potent and effective strategy that will change the way you move through life. And the best part is, it’s a practice you can start today.
Therapy Support to Build Self-compassion
If you or a loved one are struggling with self-compassion, the therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy are ready to stand beside you and support you on your journey. Schedule your initial appointment by texting or calling 801.944.4555 or filling out this form here.
