Being a “Nice Guy” Might be Ruining Your Relationship

We raise Nice Guys in our society. As parents, especially mothers, we teach our boys that if they are good, giving and caring they will get approval, rewards, and blessings.  “Be nice and serve others, and you will be rewarded and live a fulfilling life.”  This “education” works when they are little, then dating and right up to marriage. There are huge numbers of young men that we can describe as kind, giving and caring. The confusion for these men sets in after marriage, when these Nice Guys can’t understand why their wives don’t see them for “who they really are.” 

Sending the wrong message

“If I am good, I will be happy, fulfilled and my needs will be met.” 

This message tells men to be very concerned with looking good, pleasing the women in their lives, and therefore, being different from the stereotypical men that aren’t “nice.”  They seek approval, avoid conflict like a disease and try to “problem solve” their partner so they can “fix it”. They feel “wrong” when things aren’t good with their partner, because we all know: Happy Wife, Happy Life, right? It becomes very important for Mr.Nice Guy to go into pleasing overdrive, because when things are good, he is much more likely to “get his needs met and lead a fulfilling life.” 

Seeing the pattern

Here are some common things Nice Guys say that let me quickly see this pattern as a marriage therapist:  

“I love making others happy.” “I love to feel needed.” “I never get as much as I give.” “I’m not appreciated for all I do.” “Why can’t she see how hard I work?” “She will never be happy.” “Other guys don’t do half of the things I do!” 

Since it is a losing battle to think we can always please others, and wives feel “managed” by these attempts to get those needs fulfilled, Mr. Nice Guy often feels misunderstood. The validation he seeks from his partner to show him he is “good”, isn’t being given, so he feels she is ungrateful and unloving. Mr. Nice Guy then builds resentment for not being seen the way he wants to be seen, which leads him to behave in ways that are not very nice. This, of course, leads to even less validation from his partner. 

Does this sound familiar?

Getting to the root of the problem

As a sex and relationship therapist, I have seen this dynamic in almost every single marriage I have worked with. The core problem I want couples to understand is in the effort to be seen as “good,” men hide certain parts of themselves and as a result, they become dishonest to themselves and in their relationships.  Their fear tells them that their perceived flaws or mistakes will be judged as “bad” and will keep them from attaining the ultimate goal of a fulfilled life. 

This is the root of the Nice Guy Syndrome and following are some of the most common ways this syndrome appears in relationships: 

• Pouting and/or stonewalling because “I’m not appreciated”

• Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde: “Nice” until they are triggered, then angry and punishing

• Compartmentalizing real feelings; those are  secret

• Avoids any conflict; moves into “fixing”

• Uses passive aggressiveness to communicate in an effort to hide rage

• Can’t ask directly for what he wants, so behavior is manipulative. Example:  helping around the house so partner won’t be as tired and chances of sex are greater. Partner tracks this, resents being manipulated, but Nice Guy is confused that she isn’t grateful to him for helping

• His “giving nature” has strings attached; he actually gives in order to get something in return (covert contracts) 

• Many Nice Guys are compulsive in some way; unwanted porn use being a major one

How to change for the better

The way out of being a “Nice Guy” isn’t to stop being nice. Real goodness comes from integrating the real parts of self that have been hidden; the flaws and mistakes are acknowledged, so the dishonest now becomes honest. The anger is addressed by learning to work through conflict instead of repressing emotions or pretending not to have them. Expressing needs can be practiced.  The work to build a solid sense of self begins, so the borrowed sense of self that his partner was in charge of, is no longer necessary. 

Mr. Nice Guy now becomes an emotionally mature partner. He no longer looks only to his wife to show him what kind of man he is; he sees it for himself and is learning to live in his integrity. It’s a beautiful change to watch happen. If you recognize this dynamic in your relationship, help is here. 

If you or a loved one are struggling, the therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy are ready to stand beside you and support you on your journey. Schedule your initial appointment by texting or calling 801.944.4555 or filling out this form here.

References: No More Mr Nice Guy, By Robert Glover