“Have You No Shame?”
What is it that you are wanting for yourself? Do you have a sense of what stands in the way of that?
These are some of the core questions I explore with my clients. Time and time again, as we explore what stands in the way of someone experiencing “peace” “contentment” or “wholeness” (or whatever it is that they are truly wanting for themselves out of therapy), we discover that shame and guilt often lie at the heart of what stands in our way. We tell ourselves things such as, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I am stupid for…” or “why can’t I just…” and this pressuring of ourselves can often lead to more feelings of unworthiness, unlovableness, discontentment, and self-hatred.
Shame is a common motif in the world of psychotherapy. It is one of the most pervasive and malignant psychobiological processes that I see walk through my door as a therapist, and yet, it can be one of the most challenging and painful strategies to let go of even when we know letting go of the way we shame ourselves leads to self-love, compassion, peace, ease, etc.
So, why is it so hard to stop shaming ourselves? In order to answer that, let’s explore what shame does for us. Shame is an incredibly effective strategy on a societal level to control behavior and maintain conformity. If someone shames themselves every time they do something that is not in line with community beliefs, chances are they will change their behavior to realign with the group, or they will hide their behavior in order to appear that they are still in line with the group. We also learn to shame ourselves when our early environment fails us in some way and we internalize it as our fault. A classic example is when a couple is getting a divorce and the child believes it is their fault that their parents are separating. Children do this to help make sense of their changing world in the only way they know how and in a way that doesn’t threaten the relationship with their caregiver: they blame themself.
When we come to therapy, we have internalized these environmental failures as our own and likely practiced the condition of self-hatred for many years. It can manifest as simply as calling ourselves names, demanding perfection of ourselves, doubting, judging, and pressuring ourselves, or as severely as wanting to hurt or sabotage ourselves or to escape through drugs/alcohol/addictions. The good news is, we have agency and whether we continue to use shame against us. We can grow our capacity to support the kind of relationship we are wanting so that we may be happy and healthy humans.
Are you ready to have what you are wanting for yourself? Would you like a co-explorer to support your journey in this new relationship with yourself? Call or email Wasatch Family Therapy to set up an appointment with me. Looking forward to supporting you in your life <3
Call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801.944.4555 or click this link to schedule an appointment.
