Compassion & Accountability Belong Hand in Hand

A common narrative I hear from clients is that to improve, learn, or experience self-growth, we must be critical and brutally honest with ourselves. We are often taught that if we fail, we need to be tougher on ourselves, and that tough love and criticism are what push us to improve and grow. As a therapist, all I have seen these ideas do is cause harm, and I think it is time we talk about it.

Often, when the topic of self-compassion is brought up, it is met with skepticism, or worry that self-compassion really means making excuses for yourself. When we talk about self-compassion it is important to also talk about accountability. Compassion and accountability go hand in hand, they are not opposites. There is nothing to be compassionate about if you aren’t first holding yourself accountable. That is part of why the therapeutic process takes so much courage. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to look into the mirror, hold yourself accountable, and then meet yourself with compassion.

It is important to recognize that accountability doesn’t have to look like shame. One of my favorite quotes I use with clients often is “we can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love”. Bullying yourself will not get you to where you think it will, at least not healthily. If you are operating from a place of hate the entire way to your desired destination, you will likely still hate yourself when you get there. To make it into a version of yourself that you love, it takes the difficult work of learning to extend yourself compassion and grace while you take accountability for what you need to work on.

Next time you are struggling to extend compassion to yourself, try this. Consider what you would say to someone you care deeply about if they were in the same situation you are. What would you say to a family member, friend, child, or even your younger self? Write down some of those thoughts and keep them for yourself, and remember, you deserve your own compassion.