Ask A Therapist: I Think My Girlfriend Is About To Break Up With Me

Q: I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me, because there were these girls she didn't want me to hang out with but I did, because I was mad at her for cheating on me, which she told me about a long time ago and was open about, so I decided to have secrets of my own, which I know was a horrible idea. Well we had this big fight where she wanted me to tell her everything, and I did for the most part, leaving out one time where I had this party and invited this girl over to my house. She just found out yesterday and is really upset, and I don't know what to do. For some reason, I've lied to her a lot, because I don't want to get in trouble, and I know that if I'm honest she'll accept it and everything will be okay, but for some reason I can't get it through my thick skull. I keep messing up time after time. I don't want to lose her because she understands me and is the best thing to happen to me. I don't know what to do, I slept all day today just because I didn't know what to do. I really don't want to lose her and I feel so bad for making her feel horrible, and when we were talking and she was crying I really felt bad about it and hated seeing her cry but I still felt sort of detached for some reason. I don't know why I feel detached sometimes but I would really like to not feel that way. For some reason I think subconsciously I like to feel miserable, because otherwise I don't know why I do the things I do. Sometimes before I do or say anything I think to myself "this is not a good idea" but then I do it anyway.  I really don't want to lose her, I've been through so much with her, more than anybody. shes my best friend and my confidant and shes always been there for her. I just want to be normal, and not lose the most important person in my life.

A: Thanks for writing in for help with your relationship. Whether or not she breaks up with you, it's important for you to get to the bottom of you why you continue to do things, like lie and cheat, that you know aren't a good idea. Frequently, relationship sabotage has roots in past hurts. Is there anything in your relationship or family history that might be emotionally driving your pattern of pushing your girlfriend away? Your emotional detachment to her sadness also suggests that there may be something that is unresolved for you in close relationships.  I suggest that you get a therapist and explore what's driving this pattern so if your girlfriend stays with you, you can learn how to maintain closeness and if she breaks up with you, you can prevent this pattern in future relationships. Also, consider reading the book "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples" by Dr. Harville Hendrix to help you start understanding the deeper patterns that may be getting in the way of your love relationship.Take good care of yourself and your relationships!Julie Hanks, LCSW

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