Worry Monster Part 2: Trust your Child will Survive Being Scared
After reading Worry Monster Part 1 you better understand that your child has an extra sensitive alarm system that is triggering fight or flight unnecessarily. Now that you understand the underlying mechanisms, it is time to jump into what we can do that will actually help address this underlying system that is wreaking havoc.
The step I am focusing on here is to trust your child that they will survive uncomfortable situations and emotions including being scared. When you see your child feeling distressed, you likely have your own emotional response whether it is fear for your child, sadness that they are experiencing something difficult, or even frustration that you are yet again facing a highly dysregulated child. This is not an exhaustive list of what feelings might be coming up for you, the main point I want to make is that a strong emotional response is very normal. And anytime we have a strong emotion we have the urge to respond based on that emotion. A very normal urge many parents have in response to their child’s fear and their own emotional response is to remove whatever triggered their child’s fear.
This is normal and healthy in many situations but ends up being unhelpful when the child has a “worry monster”. When a child has an overactive fear response and the adults continuously remove the fear trigger then the child misses out on human experiences that would have resulted in learning and growth. I can’t foretell exactly what learning they will miss out on but some common ones include learning they are strong, having an increase in confidence, learning how to tolerate and manage discomfort, increased independence, problem-solving skills, etc.
Unfortunately one of life’s blunt realities is that we, as humans, will repeatedly have to face stressors and work through them. Instead of trying to prevent this from happening for your child, resulting in endless distress placed on you, I recommend taking a step back and learning how to let them have that opportunity to face stressors with you by their side expressing confidence in them and teaching them skills that will help them tolerate distress.
A place you can start to work towards this is in self-reflection. Notice what is triggering your response to “save” your child from their fears, or ask yourself what it might feel like if you let them struggle through figuring it out as you cheer them on.
The next piece is about laying the groundwork. Start by validating your child’s emotional experience, and expressing confidence in them that they are capable of doing hard things, being uncomfortable, and surviving. Let’s say your child is afraid to go upstairs without you or another person, a way to validate them and express confidence could be “You are feeling scared to go upstairs alone. I get that it feels scary. (10-second pause) You got this and I am here to help you be able to do this.”
These two foundational pieces will not quickly get rid of the worry monster or make your child suddenly fearless, but they are going to be essential pieces in your child becoming confident in tackling their fears, and overall having less anxiety and/or worries. Although it likely sounds simple, this process is very difficult and scary for the parents, child, and family. Because of this, I recommend getting therapeutic support so that you and your family can have confidence each step of the way.
To schedule an appointment for you or your child, call 801.944.4555 or click here!
