The Power of Self-Compassion
"When we give ourselves compassion, we are opening our hearts in a way that can transform our lives." - Kristin Neff
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." - Jack Kornfield
What do you think of when you hear the words 'self-compassion'? How does your mind, heart, and body respond to those words: self-compassion? What is self-compassion, really, and why is it so powerful and important for our mental well-being?
Having compassion for yourself is treating yourself with kindness, forgiveness, grace, and love, just as you would a family member or friend who you care deeply about. Having self-compassion includes nurturing patience and care for the unwanted parts of yourself, the imperfections that bring embarrassment or shame. It's having an understanding of your human-ness, and it is allowing the truth that your mistakes are stepping stones to growth. And self-compassion can be a gateway to deep inner healing and hope.
We are all probably very familiar with the opposite of self-compassion: self-criticism. We tell ourselves hundreds of times a day, consciously or subconsciously, how lacking we are, how imperfect we are doomed to be, how little we measure up to those around us, and how our mistakes and shadows must be so evident to everyone around us. Maybe we use self-criticism in well-meaning ways, attempting to grow or improve in different areas of our lives. Maybe our negative inner critic is coming from a scared, confused, lonely inner child. Despite self-criticism's origin or well-meaningness, the truth is that meaningful, effective motivation comes from the driving force of love (self-compassion), not fear.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, notes that self-compassion entails three main parts (Neff, 2010):
1) Self-kindness - being kind and understanding toward oneself in times of pain or failure, instead of being harshly self-critical.
2) Common humanity - perceiving one's experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating.
3) Mindfulness - holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them.
"Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. In order to give oneself compassion, one must be able to turn toward, acknowledge, and accept that one is suffering" (Neff & Dahm, 2015).
Like most mental health practices, self-compassion is a strength and state of mind that you can nurture and develop. Practicing self-compassion in good and difficult moments is a great way to improve your well-being and mental health, leading to many positive changes in your life. Here are some ways to cultivate and practice self-compassion (Taylor, 2023):
Identify your values. Take time to understand what matters most to you, and try to choose actions that reflect those values.
Create moments of mindfulness. Practice being aware and grounded in the present moment by taking deep breaths and focusing on your body's sensations, tuning in to what emotions you are experiencing or holding.
Be kind to yourself. Write yourself an encouraging letter. Repeat affirmations for self-love or hang positive self-statements somewhere in your home. Use loving self-talk during difficult moments to remind yourself that mistakes are part of being human and can lead to growth.
Speak kindly to yourself. Become aware of the voices in your head and practice replacing self-criticism with self-compassionate dialogue. (i.e. "It's okay that I _____. I am a good person even though ______. I can continue to work on _______. I love myself and am worthy of love from others, no matter what.")
Celebrate your successes. Acknowledge and celebrate positive moments, no matter how small.
Take care of yourself. Spend time focusing on activities that bring you joy and peace, such as physical activity, meditation, hobbies, relationships, and talents.
Laugh at life's imperfections. It's amazing what a little humor can do. Remind yourself that life isn't meant to be endured and you are not meant to feel inadequate and miserable. Zoom out and try to see the big picture in moments of challenge, remembering that humanity is a natural, shared experience.
Reach out for support. Talk with trusted friends or seek professional help to support you in your self-compassion practices.
By keeping self-compassion in your awareness, practicing it daily, and allowing yourself to love and forgive yourself, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself and learn to be kinder to your inner thoughts. You deserve love, acceptance, and peace - start by giving it to yourself today!
References:
Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself, Self and Identity, 2:2, 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032.
Neff, K.D., & Dahm, K.A. (2015). Self-Compassion: What It Is, What Is Does, and How It Relates to Mindfulness. In: Ostafin, B., Robinson, M., Meier, B. (eds) Handbook of Mindfulness and Self-Regulation. Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4939-2263-5_10.
Taylor, R. (2023, February). Self-Compassion Quotes to Inspire You. Simply Holistic Wellness. https://www.simplyholisticwc.com/blog/35-self-compassion-quotes-to-inspire-you#ways.
