Ask Alice: LDS Garments and Eroticism
Today’s question:
My question is in regards to LDS garments, and the effect they have on purity culture and our sex lives in marriage. My husband and I have been working really hard to improve our sensual relationship. In realizing after 13 years of marriage that we have fallen victim to a lifetime of culture (from the world and our church), and it is time for us to individually really connect with the innate sensual sides of ourselves. One suggestion from an article was to just simply mentally check in with our sensual beings in simple ways throughout the day. I loved that suggestion but instantly realized my garments have become a block to me. When I have them on I simply don't allow myself to feel sensual, or sexy. How can I get over this block?
Thank you for your question!
It sounds like you have already done a lot of work to explore this, and I hope my answer can help you on your journey. The unfortunate message of purity culture is that sexual desire, arousal, and eroticism are dangerous and must be kept within certain bounds. This creates fear and the idea that the holy and the erotic are incompatible.
Our separation of the holy and the erotic might have started with reading the Adam and Eve story in the Bible when they saw their nakedness and felt shame. In response, God gave them a covering, which in LDS doctrine is viewed today as the temple garment. It makes a lot of sense that we have linked shame with our bodies when this is one of our first scripture stories. Following that, if the garment is meant to cover our bodies, it’s not a stretch that we might come to view the garment as a barrier from (or protection against) eroticism or sensuality.
However, I’d like to point out that in the scriptures, it isn’t God that tells Adam and Eve that they should be ashamed of their bodies. God gives them a covering perhaps to help them manage their shame, but God didn’t create the shame.
Removing garments when exploring sensuality, or for sex (and I’m defining sex as any and all thoughts and interactions which lead up to any kind of sexual pleasure- sex isn’t just penetration of a vagina by a penis) can be one way of creating space for sensuality and eroticism. I’ll repeat: it is okay to take off your garments for periods of time to allow for sexual and erotic connection! The LDS church guidelines are that temple garments “should not be removed for activities that can reasonably be done while wearing the garment”. If wearing the garment is getting in the way of your sexual and erotic connection, then it is reasonable to remove the garment. That said, we can also work to reunite the holy and the erotic.
Our minds are powerful things. If we have come to believe that garments are a barrier to eroticism, they probably will be. If we practice coming to terms with the fact that a loving God created us in their image and gave us such capacity for pleasure (and for about 50% of us, gave us a clitoris, whose only function is pleasure) then maybe our desire, our pleasure, our eroticism in our own bodies, and our ability to share this eroticism when we choose, is also of God. Our erotic selves, or sensuality are not parts or things to be feared. We always get to choose our boundaries and our values and can use our eroticism and sensuality in ways that fit those boundaries and values.
Our ideas of what is sexy come from our culture, media, and our partner. We can ask ourselves and our partner why we believe what we do- where did those ideas come from, and are they working for us? If they’re not, we can actively work to change them.
In practical terms, you might try standing in front of a mirror wearing your garments and looking at yourself with gentleness and love for your body, for the reminder of what garments could represent- that God loves you and wants you to grow and develop your whole person- including your erotic and sensual self. Try taking deep breaths in and out, and noticing a spark of eroticism, allow it to grow in your body with each inhaled breath. Do this every day if you can, and start changing the narrative of what garments represent. Invite your partner to join you in this exercise.
Once we start pushing back on the idea that the holy and the erotic should be kept separate, or that garments are meant to protect us from our own eroticism, we will find greater access to our own sensuality regardless of what we’re wearing, and that would lead to true freedom from purity culture.
If you are struggling to heal shame around sexuality, schedule a session with Alice by calling 801-944-4555, following this link: schedule now, or another certified sex therapist to help you reclaim your sexual life. Search for certified sex therapists in your area here: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory
Have a question you’d love to ask a sex therapist? Submit questions to Alice@wasatchfamilytherapy.com. Selected questions will be answered in upcoming blog posts.
*Ask Alice is not a substitution for therapy- and answers may often include a suggestion to visit with a therapist since many issues are more complicated than what can be adequately addressed in a blog post.
