Is a Good Man Really So Hard to Find?

As a therapist; as a Husband; as a Man, it saddens me to hear about stories of spouses and children who have spent years with unmet emotional needs, entire marriages of patriarchal suppression, and women who become extremely depressed at the thought of having to spend another 20 years in a loveless, vacant marriage. One of the largest changes I have seen is the ever-increasing divide between “Men” and “Great Men”. 

“The disintegration of the child-centered, two-parent family—especially in the inner cities, where as many as two in three children are growing up without their fathers—and the weakening commitment of fathers to their children that more and more follows divorce, are central causes of many of our worst individual and social problems. Juvenile delinquency, drug and alcohol abuse, teenage pregnancy, welfare dependency, and child poverty can be directly traced to fathers’ lack of involvement in their children’s lives.”

— David Popenoe in Families Without Fathers

Truths and Myths of Good Men

To be able to properly define what a good man is, let’s dispel some common myths about men that are widely accepted and believed.

• Myth: Men are tough and strong.

• Truth: Strength comes in many forms and toughness is not always physical.

• Myth: Men are not supposed to cry.

• Truth: Men have emotions, as all humans do, and it is important to honor them.

• Myth: Crying means you are weak.

• Truth: Crying is part of being human and, in fact, takes more strength to show vulnerability.

• Myth: Men are not natural caregivers.

• Truth: Many men are naturally caring and enjoy being around their children.

• Myth: Men are the breadwinners and provide for the family.

• Truth: Men share in the responsibility of the home. Financially is one area of responsibility. 

• Myth: “I make the Money, I make the rules.”

• Truth: Financially providing is not a blanket statement of power and control.

• Myth: The “Patriarch” is in charge of the family.

• Truth: The decisions of the home should be equally agreed upon and everyone should have a voice about the future of the family. A partnership is equal.

• Myth: Men are to be respected. 

• Truth: Respect is earned, not just given. Be the kind of man that is respectable by your actions and the way you treat others. 

• Myth: All men disappoint, it’s just a matter of when.

• Truth: How a man treats his partner, and his family, is a direct reflection of who he is. Humans make mistakes, however this should be the exception to the rule, not the expectation. 

How This Generation of Men Become Better

Throughout history, there are many examples of leaders. Some of the leaders we know accomplished great feats, victories, and accolades. Along with this, history also tells us what kind of leaders they were. History records two types of leaders that we tend to remember. Some of the leaders chose to lead by fear, respect, and control. While others lead with love, compassion, and integrity. 

In an effort to help this generation be better than the one before, I offer a way to help men become better. Perhaps you have someone in your life that you want to encourage, perhaps you are a man wanting to be better. Below are steps you can follow to help the “Men” become Great Men”. 

1. Learn to Connect Emotionally.
   Emotions are a natural part of life, and being able to be vulnerable and intimate is not a weakness. Learning to connect emotionally will help to increase the relationships in your life, build deeper emotional bonds and bring more happiness into your life and the life of others. 

2. Be a Man Worth Respecting.
   Being the financial provider of a family is one area of stability and support. Aside from financially supporting, you can support emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially, and sexually. Learn to provide support and care in ALL areas, not just the one.  “Great Men” show love, and compassion and invite respect through the way they treat others and their family. Your family should know the best of you, not the worst. Admit when you are wrong and be willing to grow and be better. 

3. Learn to Listen.
   Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Not every problem has to be fixed, nor is it your responsibility to fix it.

4. Choose to be Part of Life.
   Being present in the lives of your family is a choice. Listen to their stories, validate their emotions, and encourage their growth and self-esteem. Always being at work, or on the phone, out with “a buddy” causes you to miss the joy that comes from small moments of life that make it worthwhile. 

5. Choose to be MORE.
   Putting everything else before your spouse and family is a choice. It is easy to use the excuse, “that’s just how men are.” Be the husband who shares the household load. Break the myths and stereotypes of what men are and how they are to act. 

Therapeutic Resources for Men

I firmly believe that if the “ Men” of the world decided to be “ Great Men” the world would be a much better place. While there is room for much growth and improvement, it is also important to acknowledge that there are “Great Men” in the world. There is much truth to the phrase “ You will find what you are looking for in this world”.  While there is a lot of need for change, it is equally important to recognize those who are working to be better, those in the world that emulate all the things above and that there are good people in this world.

If you need help understanding or believing any of these concepts, the therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy would be honored to walk along side you and help you on your journey. Schedule your appointment by calling or texting 801.944.4555.

Citations: 
Popenoe, D. (2009). Families without Fathers: Fatherhood, Marriage and Children in American Society (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203792292

This post was originally written by former Utah therapist, Jordan Meyer, CMHC, and has since been updated by the Wasatch Family Therapy team.