How to Help Your Child Respond to Anger in Healthier Ways
What if anger has gotten a bad wrap? What if it’s possible to help your child respond to anger in healthier ways?
Is Anger Misunderstood?
Imagine your sight narrowing, as you feel your face flush with heat. You hear sounds around you growing louder and louder. Your thoughts are racing faster, tuning out what feels familiar around you. You’ve lost sense of where you are, as well as how you got here. This experience may remind us of a time we felt anger. We describe anger in different ways, often with colloquialisms such as ‘flying off of the handle,’ ‘seeing red’ or ‘blowing up’ but often don’t talk about anger and how it can affect ourselves and others.
Dr. Violet Oaklander, the psychotherapist best known for her integration of Gestalt Therapy into therapeutic work with children and adolescents, wrote “anger is the most misunderstood of all emotions” (Oaklander, 2006, p. 69). We tend to think of anger as distasteful, unreasonable and unacceptable. Our childhood experiences may have informed us that not only our expressions of anger were bad, but we were bad, too. We might even avoid this feeling to meet our attachment needs. But, what if anger has gotten a bad wrap?
Defining Anger
Let me explain.
Anger is an expression of our sense of self, and attempts to communicate our wants and needs in an effort to care for ourselves may be understood as such. As toddlers, we may have voiced our wants and needs with a forceful ‘NO!’ as to make a point. We did not have the cognitive ability to say, ‘No, thank you for your generous offer’ at that time in our development (Oaklander, 2006, p. 70). Our caregivers could find our response as one of anger, activating their own beliefs and values associated with the emotion; their disapproval might provide us with a lasting perception of ourselves, as ‘bad’ somehow.
When we experience any emotion, we seek a way to express it; this provides us with a sense of closure, as well as means of regulation, so we can meet our next need and so on. The continuation of this pattern forms an “everlasting cycle of growth” that allows us to release the “energy of the emotion and achieve some balance” (Oaklander, 2006, p. 71). That is, we can improve our capability to hold the intensity of an emotion over time when we allow ourselves to experience it.
Anger has many faces (Oaklander, 2006). If we’ve learned from a young age that our expression of anger is bad, we may form our reaction in such a way that provides us with the attachment response we seek from others. For example, a child who has learned that their expression of anger is unacceptable by their caretakers may withdraw from interactions with others or shut down entirely until the intensity of the emotion subsides. This is how, as Dr. Oaklander explains, “what looks like anger may not be anger at all, and, conversely what doesn’t seem to be anger often is” (Oaklander, 2006, p. 69).
Helping Children Respond to Anger
Our expressions of anger evolve when we experience connection within ourselves, support between others, and engagement with our environment. As caregivers, we can support this evolution for our children by following these three steps (Oaklander, 2006).
To be aware of the anger (‘I’m angry”)
To accept the anger (“It’s OK to be angry”)
To choose how to express the anger
It can be difficult to see our children express their anger in ways that don’t meet their needs. Together, we can create and maintain a space where our children can begin to integrate their lived experiences and develop capacity to maintain greater range of expression (Oaklander, 2006). Below are ways that you can utilize these steps to act as a supportive guide for your child, as they learn for themselves what it means to be angry.
To be aware of the anger (I’m angry)
Encourage Awareness of Emotions
Often, children may not fully understand why they’re angry. We can help them become more aware of their feelings, as well as the internal and external cues that prompt their anger, when we encourage awareness of emotions.
Tip: Use open-ended questions to guide your child through their emotions. For example, after a frustrating day at school, you might say:
“It seems like you’re feeling upset. Can you tell me what happened today?”
“What was the hardest part of your day?”
“When you think about what made you angry, where do you feel it in your body?”
The use of these questions encourages your child to become aware of their emotions and connect them to specific situations. The goal is not to suppress the anger but to help them notice it and understand it better.
Help Your Child Make Contact with the Present Moment
Children can get stuck in negative patterns of thinking, too. As their caregiver, you can emphasize the importance of being in the present moment, rather than getting lost in worries about the past or future. When you ground your child in the present, you can prevent their expression of anger from escalating.
Tip: Teach your child grounding techniques. For example:
Practice star breaths together: Start at any side of the star and trace your finger over the side to the point. Hold your breath at the tip of the point, then breathe out as you trace the other side of the point.
Name what you see, hear, and feel: You might say, “Let’s stop for a moment. Can you tell me five things you see right now, four things you hear, and three things you can touch?”
To accept the anger (“It’s OK to be angry”)
Explore Unfinished Business
Because children may not fully understand why they’re angry, take time to explore ‘unfinished business’ or emotions or conflicts that haven't been fully processed with your child.
Tip: Encourage your child to express these unresolved feelings.
You might ask:
“Is there something that’s still bothering you from today?”
“What do you wish you could say to your teacher or friend about what happened?”
Asking your child these questions can create the space for them to express emotions that may be fueling their anger. You can even role-play conversations to help them practice expressing themselves more calmly and assertively.
To choose how to express the anger
Integrate New Ways of Responding to Anger
Once your child has become more aware of their emotional expressions, it’s time to practice new ways of responding to situations that can activate anger.
It’s out with the old, and in with the new! As your child becomes more aware of their anger, encourage them to practice new ways to express the emotion.
Tip: Work with your child on problem-solving strategies.
Create a cool down plan: Together, come up with a set of steps your child can follow when they feel their anger rising. This might include writing or drawing about their anger, telling a caregiver about their anger, squeezing play-dough or clay, wringing a towel, running around the park or ripping up a newspaper.
Celebrate small wins: If your child successfully manages their anger in a difficult situation, recognize it with specific, direct language. You can say, ‘It seems like your sister made you upset. I appreciate how you chose to squeeze play-dough when you named that emotion!’
These techniques help your child learn that they can respond to anger in healthier ways.
Resources to Help Your Child with Anger
If you or your child need additional help navigating anger, the therapists at Wasatch Family Therapy are here to offer support. Schedule your initial appointment by texting or calling us at 801.944.4555 or by filling out this form on our website.
Source:
Oaklander, V. (2006). Hidden treasure: A map to the child’s inner self. Karnac books.
