The Most Common Complaint in Relationships
Carole Kamradt, LCSW, CST
“My wife tells me she doesn’t like sex. What can I do to change her mind and enjoy sex with me?”
“All we do is fight about sex. Is that all that’s important to him? Why can’t he just be happy with me?”
Too often, these are the questions asked by people wanting to fix what they see as their partner’s problematic behavior. As a Certified Sex Therapist, I hear the pain in their voices as they describe the hurt and confusion their relationship causes them.No matter how hard they try, their partner just can’t be happy.
The painful truth is: We can’t change anyone. We can only change ourselves. If our attention is solely on what we want our partner to change, to stop, to become, to like, to stop liking, etc., it sets up a harmful dynamic that can create mistrust and resentment in our partner, cementing the very behavior in them we find so hard to live with.
One of those dynamics, and one that I see in almost every couple I meet with, is the HDP/LDP dynamic. Here is what that might look like:
Male is HDP (high desire partner) and wants more physical touch and sex with his wife. This is how he feels close and connected to her, but he often feels rejected as she avoids the subject, never initiates sex herself, or says that she is too tired, doesn’t feel good, is too busy, etc. He then tries to fill that gap by helping around the house, but she knows he is only helping to hopefully get sex that night. He feels resentful because he tries so hard to make her happy, but feels the things that make him happy are never recognized by her. He feels lonely and rejected.
Female is LDP (low desire partner) and avoids being touched at all by her partner. She believes that his touch means he wants sex, so she deftly moves away from any contact and ignores every possible signal in order to shut any thought of sex down. She knows her partner wants more sex and is unsatisfied with the sex they have. Her resentment grows as she feels that sex is the only thing about her he cares about. She wishes that they would talk and cuddle like they used to, but the minute they cuddle, it just leads to sex, so she can’t even trust him to cuddle anymore! She feels lonely and wishes he could appreciate all the things she does for him that isn’t about sex.
Sound familiar?
You aren’t alone. There are many ways to change this dynamic, but the most important thing to initiate the change you want is to look inward.
For the HDP: What does sex mean to you? Is sex used as way to get validation from your partner? Is your partner responsible for making you feel desired and important and appreciated? If the only way you feel validation for your sense of self is coming from your partner, then you have become a job to do, instead of a person she looks forward to connecting with. When we learn to sustain our own sense of self, instead of expecting our partner to constantly manage how we want to see ourselves, we are developing the shift we need to move from resentment and judgment to a kinder, more connective place in our relationship.
For the LDP: What does sex mean to you? Has sex become a transaction between you and your partner? Is sex something that you feel is taken from you, or is it something you have and get to share? Is sex something to enjoy or something to endure? If you have to endure it, what is keeping you in that meaning frame? What is needed in your life or your relationship that would make talking about sex less difficult or awkward?
These questions are important to consider for ourselves and important to solve for the health of our relationships. We are experts at looking at our partner as the problem and believe that if they only changed “____________”, then our relationship would be so much better! Looking at ourselves first puts the responsibility (and the power) in our own hands. Waiting for our partner to change only leads to frustration and resentment for both of you.
