My kid is lying! What now?
My kid is lying! What now?
Frequently I am asked by parents about how to best handle parenting and discipline when they think their child is lying. There are often a lot of different thoughts and feelings that come up for parents when they realize their child has been lying about something, and those feelings can make it hard to know how to best handle the situation. And there are also a lot of thoughts and feelings that come up for kids when they are accused of lying. No one wants to be called a liar or be lied to. And ultimately both kids and parents want a trusting and secure relationship. So why does this happen and what do you do about it?
There is probably no one perfect answer because every kid is different! But here are some things to consider for your child and your relationship with them.
Developmentally it is somewhat normal for kids to lie if they think it will keep them out of trouble. Moral development theories say that in children especially, the “right thing” is whatever will keep them out of trouble. They aren’t as motivated by actual right and wrong but are more focused on avoiding punishment even when their way of doing that doesn’t make sense to adults. Have you ever walked into a room and watched as one kid hits another? Then when you asked them about it, they said something like “I didn’t hit Billy”. And you felt you were about to pull your hair out because you watched it happen! They are doing their very best to avoid getting in trouble because that matters more to them than telling the truth. Even when that doesn’t make sense to the adults in the room. And this brings me to the next point…
Sometimes it isn’t about the lie but about an unmet need. If a child thinks lying is the only way to get something they are lacking or really want and think they will be told no, then they might lie. So what needs are they lacking? Are they trying to get your attention or time? Maybe they worry that if they tell the truth about not putting their clothes away, then they won’t get to go and play with friends (keeping in mind that play and social connection may be the need). Or maybe they took that extra snack before dinner because they need the food to help them stay regulated, and waiting 5 minutes feels like an eternity to a kid. Or, maybe they worry that you wouldn’t accept their reason for breaking a rule when that reason was to help someone else. I’m not saying all these things make lying okay, but I am saying that before you punish them for not being honest, see what needs you can meet first? Maybe if they have those needs met first, they won’t feel the need to lie as much.
Consider the fact that we all lie at times. This is a hard one for a lot of people to hear but really think about it. Yes, your kid is not being honest, but haven’t you done the same thing before? Did you really like your friend's new purchase or were you afraid of hurting his/her feelings? Did you really need to leave that event early to let the dogs out or were you just tired? And did you really just see that text or were you avoiding answering for 3 days? Again this doesn’t mean we love it when our kids lie but think about what needs you were trying to meet for yourself when you weren’t as honest about something as you could have been. The biggest needs often are those basic needs of connection, feeling accepted and wanted, regulating our systems when we are tired (emotionally or physically), and keeping ourselves safe.
Notice your own triggers around lying. We have all had experiences with lying or being lied to before, and sometimes big emotions from those past experiences come back strong when we feel we are being lied to again. If that’s the case for you, I invite you to take a step back and think about a time you were lied to or accused of lying. Are you reacting to what you think is a lie too quickly? Children may have a different definition or understanding of what counts as lying and may not perceive it the same way. Are you reacting out of anger and hurt because of your own experiences? I often hear complaints that kids aren’t showing respect for you as a parent if they are lying. But what if their lie isn’t about disrespect for you? Kids aren’t typically lying as a way to be blatantly rude or mean. Again, it is about those needs being met. So I invite you to look at your own stuff and try to regulate yourself before handling a lying situation. And if lying is a big trigger for you, it may be good to work through those feelings with your own therapist.
Remove opportunities to lie so they don’t have to practice lying. Sometimes as adults we start to have really high expectations for kids to think and act as we do. We forget that they are kids and are still learning and growing. Their brains aren’t even fully developed yet! But because of these high expectations, sometimes we ask questions that make them feel backed into a corner, and then lying seems like the only option. We ask questions like “Have you brushed your teeth yet?” when we are 100% certain they didn’t. Or “Did you put your clothes away?” and you can see the clothes sitting right there. Or maybe “Did you hit him?” and you just watched it happen. Stay away from asking your child a question you already know the answer to. Maybe instead you say, “I noticed you haven’t brushed your teeth yet. How can I help?” Or when they aren’t already distracted with something else you can say, “Remember to put your clothes away before you go out to play.” Or when they hit another kid you can say something like “I can see that you are feeling frustrated. We don’t hit people when we are mad. That hurts. If you need to hit something you can hit this pillow or come talk to me about it.” This doesn’t mean lying won’t still happen, but we can create a safe environment with children by changing how we ask things and remembering that they aren't little adults.
Kids learn by example. Children are constantly learning by taking in information from the world around them. Ask yourself if they are being exposed to a lot of dishonesty and how that is talked about. Are you telling lies? Kids notice when something is off, even when we think they aren’t paying attention. Do the shows they watch make it look like a cool thing to lie? Kids learn what is acceptable social behavior by observing the interactions of others. So if the people around them struggle with telling the truth, then they might begin to struggle too.
Some kids have big imaginations. Every so often I hear of kids who lie because they are creative, storytellers. Maybe the attention they get when they tell an elaborate story feels exciting, or they just have a really creative mind. Kids need to play! Make-believe play may seem like they aren’t telling the truth, but giving space for play and creativity may be important to provide healthy development too. I heard a story of one mom who figured out that her child was just having fun seeing the reactions from her parents and being silly, so rather than punishing her or focusing too much energy on not lying, she created a space where she could tell elaborate stories in a safe way. They began playing 2 truths and a lie which met this child’s need to be playful and tell silly stories while her mom reacted in dramatic and playful ways, but also helped her practice differentiating between what was truth and what was not. This isn’t what every kid needs, but is a great example of a mom who took the time to figure out what her child needed and engaging with her in age-appropriate ways to learn and play. Sometimes it takes a little creativity to figure it out, but that is the life of a parent.
So what do you do when you notice your kid is lying? There isn’t one perfect answer. But the more you focus on building your relationship with your child and understanding their needs, the easier it will become to handle these situations in calm and appropriate ways that support your specific child. It might take some work, but it will be worth it to develop the trust you both want in your relationship.
