How to Help Your Child Become More Empathetic

Have you tried for months and sometimes even years to teach your child to be kind, to be gentle, to be empathetic? But despite the many good things you are doing, does your child continue to struggle? At times it may even seem your child has changed, but then the old behaviors come back, and it feels like you are back at the start.

You are not alone. In case no one else has ever said this to you, let me be the first. Your child’s struggle to be empathetic is not a reflection of your ability as a parent. No matter how loving and supportive of a parent you are, developing empathy is a complex skill for any child to learn. And for some children, it takes longer than others. In this article, I will outline things you can do now to help your child develop empathy at whatever stage they are at.

To begin, think of some of the difficult things that your child has had to learn–things like walking, speaking, playing an instrument, or playing a sport. Where did they have to start? How long did it take to learn the basics? How often did they make mistakes or need your help? How did you respond to their mistakes? How did you encourage them to keep going even when it was

difficult?

We can learn a lot about how to teach children empathy by looking at how we teach them to do other difficult things. Here are a few principles that have been most transformational in my work with families:

1. Teach and repeat:

Children learn by repetition. We give children a lot of grace when it comes to learning speech, math, and other complex skills. But then when it comes to not hitting a sibling or calling a person names, we often expect them to learn what is appropriate after one correction. We forget that empathy is a complex skill as well and requires years to develop, so if you feel you have repeated yourself a hundred times, keep doing it. You’re on the right track.

2. Plan and prepare for obstacles

Children first begin to practice empathy when it’s easiest–when they are happy, rested, and feel their needs are met. It’s far more difficult when they are scared, hungry, tired, or when they are scared of losing something that means a lot to them. Adults struggle to be empathic in these circumstances, and we have more years of practice. So when children are able to be empathetic, celebrate them. When they are not able to, validate how hard it is and gently coach them on how they can try again.

3. Catch them when they falter

Children learn primarily through trial and error. In order for children to keep trying, they need to know that their caregivers will love them whether they succeed or fail. This means that in order for your child to keep trying to be nice, they need to know that you love them even after they have hit someone. After they steal something that doesn’t belong to them. After they have screamed at you. In fact, there is no greater time a child needs to know they are loved than after they have made a mistake. Knowing that you are on their side and will be there to help them will give them the reassurance they need to keep trying.

If you would like further help in learning how to implement these principles to help your child learn empathy, reach out to a trained mental health professional to get individualized support.