Book Review: Come Together
Emily Nagoski, PhD, is the author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that will Transform Your Sex Life. If you haven’t already read it, I highly recommend it. Her first book was aimed at women, but as a sex therapist I found the information so helpful for men who are partnered with women, so I often encourage my male clients to read it. Well, now there’s a book specifically for couples. Come Together: the Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.
With the wide variety of issues that impact sexual relationships for couples, Emily Nagoski does an amazing job at getting to the heart of the issues that get in the way of lasting, mutually pleasurable sexual connections. I’d encourage couples who are struggling, to give this a read and really work to implement the information contained in the book. She pulls work from several models that I love and use regularly with my clients, including Emotionally Focused Therapy by Sue Johnson, and Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard Schwartz.
One of the most important sections of the book discusses the roles that are given to little boys and little girls as they grow up. She labels the little boy role as “Winner” and the little girl role as “Giver” and explores how those roles can set us up for conflict, hurt, and disconnection when it comes to sexual connection. The good news is that we don’t have to stay stuck in them. Once we realize they aren’t working for us, we can make changes. I’d recommend reading this section a couple of times.
I want to give a couple of cautions- not to discourage anyone from reading it, but so as you are reading it, these things don’t take you by surprise and cause you to set the book aside. Sex can be an uncomfortable topic for many- especially if you didn’t grow up in an environment where it felt safe or appropriate to talk about. That makes this book even more important for you, so I’d encourage a heavy dose of curiosity as you read, allowing the things that aren’t for you (regardless which of the below things those may be) to pass by, allowing you to focus on the really beneficial parts.
1. Language. There’s a fair bit. If this concerns you, I’d encourage you to explore how you would like to approach the language so that you can still benefit from the gem that this book is.
2. It is written from a feminist lens, which some readers may have feelings about. If this is you, again, how would you like to approach this so it doesn’t get in the way of you learning ways to improve your sexual relationship.
3. There is a lot of information in this book, and it works to address lots of different types of relationships. Some of the information isn’t going to apply to you. That’s okay. When you come across a section that doesn’t apply to you, skim or skip it and move on to the next section.
It’s written in a similar format as Come As You Are, with the TL:DR section at the end of each chapter. You can use those to review and see if that chapter looks like something that would be helpful for your situation. It’s okay to not read the entire book. Emily Nagoski also includes a helpful troubleshooting section at the end that you can use to direct you to chapters in the book and other references you might find helpful for specific questions you have.
If you are struggling with sexual health concerns or sexual connection in your relationship, check out the book. Also consider scheduling a session with Dr. Roberts, or another sex therapist at Wasatch Family Therapy, if you need more guidance working through your concerns.
