How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Living for You
I am a recovering people pleaser. I’d say “yes” to friends and family when I really wanted— or needed—to say “no.” And let me tell you, it didn’t do me any favors. What I thought was keeping everyone happy and strengthening my relationships actually had the opposite effect in the long run. My relationships left me exhausted, feeling resentful, and stressed out. Often, people-pleasing would also get me stuck in a cycle of indecision. It’s hard to make choices when you’re always worried about how they’ll affect everyone else.
Sound familiar? Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions? Afraid of disappointing them? Guilty when you actually put yourself first? If so, you might be a people-pleaser too. The good news is you can break free from this cycle, start living for yourself, and have even better relationships. Here’s how:
Recognize Your Patterns
People-pleasing usually comes from fear. Fear of rejection, a need for validation, or past experiences that made you feel like other people’s needs should always come first. Start noticing when you automatically say “yes.” Is it because you want to, or because you feel like you should? Who in your life do you struggle to say “no” to? Awareness is the first step in changing the habit.
Tune Into What You Want
When you’re always focused on making others happy, it’s easy to lose track of what you actually want. Take some time to reconnect with yourself, your goals, values, and what makes you happy. Whenever you feel like you “should” do something, try replacing the “should” with “want to” or “choose to” to help shift your mindset. The purpose is to clarify your motivation and make sure your actions come from a place of intention rather than pressure. Journaling or therapy can be great tools to help with this.
Practice Saying “No”
Setting boundaries is healthy, and you don’t need to justify every decision. Start small: “I can’t commit to that right now,” or “That doesn’t work for me,” may be some language to try. The more you do it, the easier it gets. You can still be kind and generous while having boundaries. True generosity comes from a place of choice, not obligation, and setting limits actually helps you show up for others in a more authentic way.
Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
Putting yourself first might feel weird or hard in the beginning, especially if you’re used to prioritizing everyone else. That discomfort? It’s growth. Remind yourself that setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it actually leads to healthier relationships and gives others permission to do the same.
At the end of the day, you are not responsible for making everyone happy. Your needs and boundaries matter. You will feel more fulfilled and free when you start honoring them. And bonus! Your relationships will improve. Unlearning people-pleasing takes practice, and sometimes, a little outside help. Therapy can be a game-changer when it comes to setting boundaries, building confidence, and letting go of guilt. If you could use a little help in this area, don’t hesitate to reach out to us for an appointment at Wasatch Family Therapy by texting or calling 801.944.4555 or filling out this form.
