Finding Connection with Your Teens
When our cute little kids turn into teenagers a lot of changes take place developmentally. There is a strange new odor in the air, moods may swing (sometimes amazingly quick!) and one of the harder relational aspects of change is it is common for teens to stop seeking or accepting physical affection and they often stop talking to their parents. While they communicate plenty with their friends, unfortunately, they may not do the same to their parents. This can be a painful and sometimes abrupt change for a parent to make sense of and it is normal to experience hurt feelings. Who knew our kids could hurt our feelings so much?! It is easy to feel disconnected, unimportant, and worried about our teens when this happens.
Dr. Bruce Perry offers sage advice to us as parents. He cautions us to remember The Three R’s – Regulate, Relate, Reason – and I would add Reconnect. Regulation and co-regulation are crucial for connection. Use a calm, quiet voice, don’t add fuel to the teenage fire by becoming as emotional as they are. When your teen is either fired up or shut down, if we match their dysregulation, we can expect that it will escalate quickly.
Relate signals that we can acknowledge and validate how our kid is feeling inside – even when we may not understand or agree. Saying “Wow, I can imagine this has been really hard for you” or “I can see you are feeling really frustrated right now” can open the door to communication and connection.
Until a person’s body is regulated and their breathing has calmed down, reasoning is pretty much impossible. When our brains get “hijacked” by big feelings and emotions, it actually shuts down our logic and reasoning centers. This is true for our kids and for us as adults. The last R of Perry’s work is for Reason. There is a reason this is the last thing we do. Reason doesn’t mean that we are trying to get our child to see our point of view or do what we want them to do. This is actually our work to help our kids make sense of how they feel. We can do this by teaching our kids emotional language (using feeling words), modeling healthy coping strategies ourselves, and supporting and accepting who our teen is developing into.
Here are some tips to help you reconnect with your teen:
Step Back and Listen
If your child comes to you with a problem, resist the temptation to immediately jump in and offer solutions. Instead, validate their experience by saying something like “that sounds really tough.” By holding space for the “hard stuff,” you can build trust and create a space where they can come talk to you. Let them really speak their mind and their heart to you.
Timing Is Everything
If there is something difficult that arises with your teens, don’t react by freaking out. In the heat of the moment, we often use angry or intense words that don’t help the relationship we have with our teens. Instead, learn to control your emotions, calm down, and then talk about it. Going on drives is a great way to open up that line of communication. Don’t force eye contact, and try to make things normal and natural. Nighttime can be another opportunity to really listen and hear your teen out as you’re giving them a back rub or helping to put them to bed.
Don’t Be Afraid to Apologize
In parenting, it is inevitable that you’re going to make mistakes. Remember that not only is your child learning, but you are too! Set the example for them that we can acknowledge our shortcomings and repair the relationship by apologizing after things get heated.
