Co-Regulation Begins with Self-Regulation

As caregivers, our role isn’t just to teach self-regulation; it’s to model it. This is where co-regulation comes in. Co-regulation is something we, as child therapists, often discuss with caregivers but don’t always define clearly. Let’s start with what co-regulation is not.

What Co-Regulation is Not

Co-regulation does not mean pretending to be calm all the time or never getting angry. It means actively managing your own emotions to help kids learn to manage theirs (Child Mind Institute, 2025).

When children begin to experience, understand, and express their emotions, they can also begin to regulate them. This process starts with the adults in their lives—those who can act as wiser, stronger, and kinder figures in times of need. Kids feel with all their hearts; their brains have not yet developed the capacity for rational, logical thinking. Still, many adults attempt to reason with them, which can lead to feelings of frustration, disappointment, and even resentment for both child and caregiver.

Dr. Brenna Hicks, CMHC, RPT-S, refers to this difference in brain development as adulthood bias—the tendency to forget what it was like to be a child (Hicks, 2025). We are all lifelong learners, and children are just beginning their journey. This is why co-regulation is so important: it is a mutual process in which trusted adults provide both a safe haven and a secure base for children to return to as they navigate their emotions.

What is Co-Regulation?

Here’s an academic definition:

“Coregulation... encompasses the mutual adaptation between partners in response to one another’s biology and behavior. Coregulation operates at both biological (hormonal and nervous system) and behavioral (affective and cognitive) levels and plays a crucial role in the development of self-regulation” (Bornstein & Esposito, 2023).

Co-regulation happens both within ourselves and between others. The serve-and-return communication between caregivers and children builds and strengthens neural connections in the brain, helping children make sense of emotions, actions, and relationships. These connections, also known as mirror neurons, are essential for social cognition—the ability to empathize and relate to others. This is why witnessing distress in someone else can cause us to feel distress ourselves (President and Fellows of Harvard College, n.d.).

The continuous back-and-forth of serve-and-return communication is vital for both brain development and overall well-being. The good news? This form of interaction can be fun! Play strengthens serve-and-return communication as caregivers follow their child's lead, engage with their interests, and offer attentive responses. Playful, reciprocal interactions foster shared joy and admiration, reinforcing a child’s sense of security and connection.

Co-Regulation in Challenging Moments

It can be difficult to delight in your child when they are screaming, scratching, kicking, or hitting. Paris Goodyear-Brown, LCSW, RPT-S created the SOOTHE acronym to support children and caregivers when the going gets tough. SOOTHE provides practical strategies to help caregivers co-regulate with children; this is when you lend your brain to your child, while theirs is still in development.

SOOTHE: A Framework for Co-Regulation

S - Soft Tone and Face

“When caregivers drop anchor below their child... by grounding themselves, [they] have the best chance of de-escalating the child” (Goodyear-Brown, 2021, p. 96).

Caregivers can "drop anchor" by slowing down and softening their presence—relaxing facial expressions, lowering their tone of voice, steadying their breathing, and speaking with a calm cadence. For some, visualizing an actual anchor can help.

O - Organize

Consistency creates structure, which fosters a sense of safety and security for children. Predictability allows children to explore their world with confidence, knowing their caregivers will be there for them.

Routines don’t have to be rigid—they can be creative! Caregivers and children can co-create a comic strip or game board outlining daily tasks. Give it a fun name and find ways to celebrate its completion together. Some children may want or need additional cues, reminders, or step-by-step breakdowns.

O - Offer Choices

Goodyear-Brown outlines two ways caregivers can offer choices. The first is encouraging responsibility for outcomes. This approach works best when both the caregiver and child are regulated. For example: "You can leave your jacket in the car, or you can wear it and carry it if you get too hot." The second is building connection and trust. This approach reassures the child that the caregiver is strong, wise, and kind. For example: "You can put on your helmet, or I can help you do it."

Both approaches can be reinforced by using a focal point for visual attention, such as holding up two fingers and counting to five before speaking further.

T - Touch and Physical Proximity

Goodyear-Brown (2021) states, "Touch is important in facilitating attachment, moving from co-regulation to self-regulation, developing boundaries, and understanding where your body ends and another’s begins" (p.118). For many children, touch provides comfort and helps regulate their nervous system, especially for those who are sensory-seeking. However, some children may find proximity (rather than direct touch) more soothing.

Note: Children with a history of abuse or neglect may need additional support in determining what forms of touch or proximity feel safest for them.

H - Hear the Underlying Anxiety

Children have little power or control, so their attempts to regain it often sound like a loud, defiant “NO!” Because children have not yet developed logical reasoning skills, their defiance often stems from unspoken anxieties. Goodyear-Brown suggests using the phrase "I’m remembering that you..." to validate a child’s emotions.

Example: "I’m remembering that you are learning to tie your shoes. Please put them on, and I will help you tie them."

This phrase gives caregivers a way to adjust expectations without compromising connection. One of the many superpowers caregivers possess is their ability to interpret their child’s needs. If a direction is too overwhelming, caregivers can pause, assess the situation, and reroute as needed.

E - End and Let Go

There’s a lot about co-regulation that is difficult for both caregivers and children. Voices may be raised, and objects may be thrown. We don’t intend to hurt those we love, but when we do, repair is essential. After a child acts out with big behaviors, caregivers may feel depleted and need space. However, too much distance can contribute to shame or discouragement for the child (Goodyear-Brown, 2021).

To initiate repair, caregivers can engage in a simple, shared activity—like reading a book together. This maintains closeness while allowing both the caregiver and child to regulate. Importantly, discipline or consequences should be discussed after completing at least one book.

Conclusion

Co-regulation will look different in every caregiver-child relationship. Even among different caregivers—whether biological, adoptive, or foster parents—each connection is unique. Considerations including natural presentations of neurodiversity, such as Autistic people or people with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), or core emotional issues associated with trauma or stress may impact how children respond to these strategies.

If you need additional support, consider meeting with a child therapist to develop co-regulation strategies tailored to your child’s wants and needs. Reach out to Wasatch Family Therapy by texting or calling 801.944.4555 or filling out this form.