Ask Alice

Have a question you’d love to ask a sex therapist? Submit questions to Alice@wasatchfamilytherapy.com. Selected questions will be answered in upcoming blog posts. *Ask Alice is not a substitution for therapy- and answers may often include a suggestion to visit with a therapist since many issues are more complicated than what can be adequately addressed in a blog post.

Today’s question:

I heard you say once that the best thing people could do for their sex life as they go through their life would be to separate the idea of a good sexual experience from the pursuit of a sustained erection/climax.  What would that look like in practice?

Thank you for the question!

Yes, reducing the need for an erection or big/any orgasm can set us up for success!  Not that we don’t ever want or hope for those things, but sometimes we’re not going to get them because we’re human, and we can still have positive and pleasurable experiences. 

Because we so often have no context for what healthy sexual interactions look like, we look toward media as a guide to teach us what sex is supposed to be.  Author Paul Malan compares this to learning to drive a car by watching the mini coopers race through the tunnels on The Italian Job.  Most sexual media is meant as entertainment, not as an instruction manual, so we pick up ideas of what “good sex” looks like that might not be helpful.  When “good sex” depends on a body part to act as a machine, or on regular and explosive orgasms, we create a focus on performance rather than pleasure- of behavior rather than experience.  When there is pressure to perform sex, we become spectators in our own experiences rather than active participants sharing pleasure.  

This pressure to perform sometimes leads to performance anxiety, difficulty orgasming, or erectile dysfunction.  Fear of these things can lead couples or individuals to avoid sex entirely.  To help counteract the pressure to perform, I recommend the following:

Acknowledge that sex isn’t always going to go as expected.  Normalize it in your relationship, and when it happens, don’t let the pursuit of pleasure stop.  If we make lack of erection or lack of orgasm just another thing that happens in our lives but doesn’t prevent the pursuit of pleasure, we set ourselves up for success and decrease the chances of anxiety-based sexual dysfunction.  Is your orgasm just not happening today?  Instead of becoming upset or pulling away, slow down and explore non-orgasm pleasure.  Is your penis failing to perform like a dildo?  That’s okay- people are not machines.  Instead of focusing on penetrative thrusting, explore other types of touch or penetration.  You can also try the “stuffing method” of pushing a flaccid penis into a vagina.  Keep in mind the goal is pleasure, so if it isn’t feeling good, try something else.  There are all kinds of ways to touch bodies that can lead to pleasure and connection.  Remember, sex is an experience to enjoy, not a behavior to perform.  It’s like when the restaurant is out of your first choice dinner option.  You don’t need to leave the restaurant hungry.  Instead of getting steak, you can enjoy salmon, or whatever other option sounds good to you.  Create a whole menu of possible sexual experiences!  Try the website www.mojoupgrade.com if you need ideas and help in talking about them with your partner.  Mojo Upgrade gives each partner a list of sexual behaviors to select yes, no, or maybe, then sends each partner an email with a list of anything you both answered yes or maybe to.  This is helpful because it reduces fear around judgment or rejection.  Anything that either of you is not interested in is already excluded from the list.  

Reducing reliance on erections or orgasms and increasing variety in how we experience pleasure earlier in our lives means that we create an expanded array of options when it comes to sex and pleasure which will serve us all better and lead to more confidence, more playfulness, more pleasure, and more connection.  

*As always, if you notice a change in your body’s functioning, it’s important to get checked out by a medical professional, as erectile dysfunction can be a sign of heart disease.

If you are struggling with sexual dysfunction or feel trapped in a cycle of anxiety and avoidance, schedule a session with Alice by calling 801-944-4555, following this link: schedule now,  or another certified sex therapist to help you reclaim your sexual life.  Search for certified sex therapists in your area here: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory