Soft music playing the background. A chilled bottle of Sparkling juice and a wine glass are set out ever so carefully. Grey sweatpants. Favorite t-shirt. It may sound like the makings of a great date, but it is the usual scene for my favorite form of self-care called Kitchen Therapy. Having grown up in the South, food was often at the center of family gatherings and hold many important memories. A few years ago, I discovered the power of cooking and baking while working with adults in a residential treatment program for substance abuse. As they followed a simple recipe for a cake, I observed noticeable changes in their moods and overall attitudes. I decided to try it in my own life, and I noticed the same impact.
Kitchen therapy does not have to be fancy, and it can range from simple cookies to well decorated cakes. Many people are aware of the concept of emotional eating, but emotional baking may be a healthier way to process difficult feelings, especially when coupled with the service of giving baked goods to those who may also be struggling. There is something satisfying about seeing a cake come together and having the smell fill the house. For me, baking cakes remind me of all of the strong women in my life whose influence have shaped the man that I’ve become. Baking a red velvet cake, for example, connects me to my paternal great-grandmother, whose recipe has been down through three generations. My godmother’s Italian Cream Cake reminds of me summer afternoons sitting in her kitchen hoping to be able to lick the mixing bowl when she was done preparing the batter. My mother’s chocolate cake is the way that I connect to home when I am homesick.
One of the benefits of Kitchen Therapy is that it provides us with an opportunity to be productive and creative and step away from the craziness of our lives. So, I’ve decided to share one of my favorite recipes just in time for Spring—Key Lime Cupcakes! Enjoy!
Key Lime Cupcakes
One 3-ounce package lime flavored gelatin
1 1/3 cups granulated sugar
2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
3/4 cup orange juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
5 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup key lime juice (from about 25 small key limes or 4 large regular limes)
1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick butter), room temperature
One 8-ounce package cream cheese, room temperature
One 1-pound box confectioners’ sugar
For the cupcakes: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and line muffin pan with paper liners.
In a large mixing bowl, mix the gelatin, granulated sugar, flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Stir to mix well. Add the oil, orange juice, lemon juice, vanilla, and eggs. Mix until well combined. Fill the liners ¾ full and bake for 18-20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool the cupcakes in the pan for 5 minutes then sit on cooling racks to cool. The mix will yield about 36 cupcakes.
For the glaze: While the cupcakes are still hot, mix the lime juice and confectioners’ sugar together well. Pierce the cupcakes with a toothpick to allow the glaze to soak in better and pour it over the cupcakes while still in the pan. Allow cupcakes to cool completely as you prepare the icing.
For the icing: Cream the butter and cream cheese. Beat in the confectioners’ sugar until mixture is smooth and easy to spread. For the teal color, use a combination of neon green and blue at the ratio of 50 drops of green to 4 drops of blue. Fill piping bag with icing and pipe on each cupcake. Top with golden gum ball.
Recovering from a breakup can be a confusing time in life as your head and your heart struggle to get on the same page. You may have started grieving the loss of the relationship long before it ended, while family members and friends are just beginning to deal with their own feelings of loss. Your heart may be telling you to try again, while your head is filled with fears about suffering another loss. When we lose a partner to death, we are often given the social permission to dismiss their flaws and focus on their virtues. Losing a partner to a breakup can feel like the opposite, where we dismiss their virtues and focus on their flaws. Doing so often makes the recovery process difficult and longer than it has to be. Here are some helpful suggestions for navigating the process of healing from a breakup.
1. Assume total responsibility for the break up. At first glance, this will seem counterintuitive. Here’s the logic: by taking 100% of the responsibility (not the blame) for the breakup, you assume 100% of the capability to heal from it. If your partner is even 1% responsible, that’s 1% of the recovery process that it beyond your control.
2. Acknowledge the grief. By calling those emotions what they are, you increase your ability to understand them. By understanding what you are grieving (loss of the ideal relationship, loss of companionship, etc), you are able to determine what may motivate you to enter a new relationship too quickly. Remember, grief is a process.
3. Normalize the experience. The reality is every relationship will end until you find the one that doesn’t. Each relationship will teach you something significant in preparation for the one that will last. As you approach each relationship as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how to teach you to another person, you will realize that breaking up is as normal as students failing a class, even with a gifted teacher, if they don’t make the effort to learn the material.
4. Maintain an attitude of gratitude. Nothing helps in the process of healing quite like gratitude. Can you be grateful for the experience? Can you be grateful for what you’ve learned? Can you be grateful that you are no longer tied to someone who wasn’t good for you?
5. Treat yourself. Buy yourself one thing that represents all that you’ve gained from the experience. For example, get yourself that pair of shoes you’ve been wanting to remind you of all the strength it took to walk away or get yourself those Superman cuff links to remind you of the strength you’ve gained to reclaim your life.
Are you tired of reading relationship books with a few tips and advice that may put a band aid on your marital discourse? Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For A Lifetime Of Love, relationship researcher and expert, believes that the attachment bond individuals have with their partners is crucial for a happy, healthy relationship. Just as an infant feels close, attached, and loved when her mother gazes in her eyes, adults have the same need. We innately feel a desire to connect, be loved, depended on, and to feel safe. When the attachment is insecure with our spouse or partner, there is greater likelihood for disconnection, isolation, and distance. Hold Me Tight looks to address that attachment bond.
Wasatch Family Therapy is pleased to announce that we are, once again, offering a Hold Me Tight workshop. Based on Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approach. An approach in which empirical research shows that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery. The workshop will take readers through the following seven transforming conversations:
Recognizing Demon Dialogues
Finding the Raw Spots
Revisiting a Rocky Moment
Hold Me Tight
Bonding Through Sex and Touch
Keeping Your Love Alive
Join us, Alice Roberts, CSW and Tekulve Jackson-Vann, LMFT, for this six-week course beginning Tuesday nights on January 8th in the Cottonwood Heights location from 6:30-8:30 p.m. Register now and find the emotional connection that can come as partners reach for one another, holding tight.