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The Night I Forgot My Phone

We have all heard the saying “Disconnect to reconnect.” It is a bid to turn off electronics in an effort to become closer to the people in our lives. Recently, I had an opportunity to experience this. Over the holidays, we had a party at a family member’s home. As my husband and I were packing up our things, we looked around to make sure we had gathered all of our children’s belongings. We didn’t see anything and went home. After putting my children to bed, I looked around and realized I had left my phone at the party somewhere. For the rest of the evening and most of the next day, I was without my phone. I never realized how much I depended on, and looked at, my phone until I didn’’t have it.
 
That evening, before bed, there was no internet surfing, or YouTube watching. I simply read my book and went to bed. Since it was the holidays, I did not need to set an alarm and awoke on my own. As a reached for my phone to check my email and look at the weather, I realized I didn’’t have my phone. Throughout the day, I went to reach for my phone only to realize I didn’’t have it. Around noon was when the realization came that I looked at my phone for very stupid reasons and did it far too often.
 
I retrieved my phone at about three in the afternoon. The rest of the day I made a concerted effort to not look at my phone. By the end of the day, I felt more connected to my children, my spouse, and felt better overall. This could have been for numerous reasons, but I account a great deal of it to the decrease in my phone usage.
 
I recently watched a Ted talk by Collin Kartchner about phone usage/social media and children. It was a wake up reminder that our children need to feel important and loved. At times, our use of technology can leave them feeling unloved. At the very least, it sets a precedent that they will follow when/if they get a phone. When you have a few minutes, I urge you to watch it.
 
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uMb0wqTqE_4
 
How often do you look at your phone? Is it for mindless things or for work? Obviously our jobs require us to use technology to complete tasks for work. However, do we stay focused on our work and then turn it off? Or does that create an avenue for perusing the internet? I challenge you to leave your phone at home when you go on your next date night. Forget it at a friends house. Turn if off after dinner. Finish your work and then turn off your computer for he night. See if it makes a difference in the way you feel.
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Help! I’m Sexually Broken!

One of the most common statements I hear from women when it comes to sexual dysfunction is, “I know it’s important to my husband, and I want to give that to him, but I just have zero desire for sex.  I’m just broken!”

Our culture feeds us the line that there is only one kind of sexual desire.  It tells us that sexual desire should suddenly appear, that it’s a wave of hormones that hit us out of the blue.  We’re going about our day, filing paperwork, prepping meals, filling the car up with gas, and WHAM, we’re hit with an urge to have sex.  

Now sometimes that happens, and when it does, it’s called, according to sex educator, Emily Nagoski, spontaenous desire.  Many individuals experience spontaneous desire at least some of the time.  Research seems to point toward men experiencing spontaneous desire far more often than women.  Women are more likely to experience what is called responsive desire.  

Responsive desire means that desire builds in *response* to positive sexual cues.  

What does this mean?  This means that a woman who finds herself in bed with her partner at the end of a long, tiring day, isn’t broken when she’s not interested in sex.  It just means she lacks context for sexual excitement.  She’s normal.  Not broken.  Too often our culture treats women as broken when their sexual response isn’t the same as men’s sexual response.  We treat men’s response as the default normal, and anything less than that makes us feel like there’s something wrong with us.  

Unfortunately, the idea that we’re broken is one extra hurdle to developing a satisfying sexual relationship with our partner.  

Emily Nagoski gave a Ted Talk last year where she shared two keys to sexual well-being.  They are confidence and joy.  Nagoski states that confidence means knowing what is true about your body.  Joy is loving what is true.  

If you are someone who feels broken because your experience is not the spontaneous desire depicted in every romantic comedy you’ve ever seen, knowing that your desire, which builds in response to safety, loving connection, physical touch, or other sexually relevant stimuli, is normal, can help you know what it true about your body.  Accepting this part of yourself as good and valid can help you love what it true.  

For more details on these concepts, check out Emily’s Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_the_keys_to_a_happier_healthier_sex_life?language=en

For help working through sexual desire discrepancies in your relationship, or if you struggle to accept and love what is true about your body or your own sexual experience, schedule a session with Alice today.  801-944-4555

 

Alice Roberts, CSW
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