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Is a Good Man Really So Hard to Find?

As we find ourselves hopefully nearing the end of what many would call one of the most trying times in our modern era, I reflect on what this past year has shown us. We have seen many changes both good and bad, with some uniting, while others divide. One of the largest changes I have seen, not specific to the past year, is the ever increasing divide between “Men” and “Great Men”. 

David Popenoe (2017) in his Book entitled Families Without Fathers, states:

“The disintegration of the child-centered, two parent family—especially in the inner cities, where as many as two in three children are growing up without their fathers—and the weakening commitment of fathers to their children that more and more follows divorce, are central causes of many of our worst individual and social problems. Juvenile delinquency, drug and alcohol abuse, teenage pregnancy, welfare dependency, and child poverty can be directly traced to fathers’ lack of involvement in their children’s lives”.

As a therapist; as a Husband; as a Man, it saddens me to hear about stories of spouses and children that have spent years with unmet emotional needs, entire marriages of patriarchal suppression, and women who become extremely depressed at the thought of having to spend another 20 years in a loveless, vacant marriage. 

To begin I wish to dispel some myths that are commonly believed:

MythsTruth
Men are tough, and strongStrength comes in many forms and toughness is not always physical.
Men are not suppose to cryMen have emotions, as all humans do, and it is important to honor them.
Crying means you are weakCrying is part of being human and, in fact, takes more strength to show vulnerability 
Men are not natural care givers.Many men are naturally caring and enjoy being around their children 
Men are the bread winners and provide for the family.Men share in the responsibility of the home. Financially is one area of responsibility. 
“ I make the Money, I make the rules”.WRONG… Financially providing is not a blanket statement of power and control.
The “Patriarch” is in charge of the familyWRONG… The decisions of the home should be equally agreed upon and everyone should have a voice about the future of the family. A partnership is equal.
Men are to be respected. Respect is earned, not just given. Be the kind of man that is respectable by your actions and the way you treat others. 
All men disappoint, it’s just a matter of when.How a man treats his partner, and his family, is a direct reflection of who he is. Humans make mistakes, however this should be the exception to the rule not the expectation. 

Throughout history, there are many examples of leaders. Some of the leaders we know accomplished great feats, victories, and accolades. Along with this, history also tells us what kind of leaders they were. History records two types of leaders that we tend to remember. Some of the leaders chose to lead by fear, respect, and control. While others lead with love, compassion, and integrity. 

In an effort to help this generation be better than the one before, I offer a way to help Men become better. Perhaps you have someone in your life that you want to encourage, perhaps you are a Man wanting to be better. Below are steps you can follow to help the “Men” become Great Men”. 

1. Learn to Connect Emotionally. 

Emotions are a natural part of life, and being able to be vulnerable and intimate is not a weakness. Learning to connect emotionally will help to increase the relationships in your life, build deeper emotional bonds and bring more happiness into your life and the life of others. 

2. Be a Man Worth Respecting 

Being the financial provider of a family is one area of stability and support. Aside from financially, there are emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially, and sexually. Learn to provide support and care in ALL areas, not just the one.  “Great Men” show love, compassion and invite respect by the way they treat others and their family. Your family should know the best of you, not the worst. Being the “Patriarch” is not permission to be a dictator. Being a (priesthood holder) in no way gives permission that you are more than or better than your spouse. Admit when you are wrong and be willing to grow and be better. 

3. Learn to Listen

Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Not every problem has to be fixed, nor is it your responsibility to fix it. Learn to see the needs to those in your life. Learn how to see the needs of your wife, comfort your child who had a bad day at school. 

4. Choose to be Part of Life

Being present in the lives of your family is a choice. Choose to pay attention to subtle clues, hints, and gestures from your wife and children about what they need and how to provide that. Listen to their stories, validate their emotions, and encourage their growth and self-esteem. Always being at work, or on the phone, out with “a buddy” causes you to miss the joy that comes from small moments of life that make it worthwhile. 

5. Choose to be MORE

It has sadly become common for men to let their wives down, and not be present. Putting your family first and your wife first is a choice. Choose to be more than what you know. It is easy to play the role, use excuses of “ that just how men are” and feed in to the idea of being a disappointment. Be the husband who helps around the house, who helps the kids get ready. Break the myths and stereotypes of what a man is and how he is to act. 

6. Know the Hierarchy 

The Hierarchy speaks to knowing the order of respect given to the women in your life. If you follow the order, you will never go wrong. 

Young Adult/TeenFirst: Mother
Second: Sister(s)
Third: Girlfriend
Married/HusbandFirst: Wife
Second: Mother
Third: Sister(s)
Married/Husband/FatherFirst: Wife
Second: Daughter(s)
Third: Mother
Fourth: Sister(s)

I firmly believe that if the “ Men” of the world decided to be “ Great Men” the world would be a much better place. While there is room for much growth and improvement, it is also important to acknowledge that there are “Great Men” in the world. There is much truth to the phrase “ You will find what you are looking for in this world”.  While there is a lot of need for change, it is equally important to recognize those that are working to be better, those in the world that emulate all the things above and that there are good people in this world. 

Citations: 

Popenoe, D. (2009). Families without Fathers: Fatherhood, Marriage and Children in American Society (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203792292

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Tips for Parents of LGBTQIA Youth

LGBTQIA youth face unique mental health challenges as they struggle to reconcile their faith, sexual identity, or gender identity. If you are a parent of an LGBTQIA youth moving towards accepting your child’s identity, I would like to share a few thoughts. In this blog post, I will discuss the importance of familial support to LGBTQIA youth. Then, I will share simple, practical actions to support your child through this moment.


LGBTQIA youth who question their identity hide who they truly are for fear of being rejected by their families. LGBTQIA youth worry about hurting their parents and family members who believe that being gay is immoral and sinful. But when LGBTQIA youth hide their identities, they pay a high cost. It undermines their self-esteem and self-worth. New research shows that families and caregivers significantly influence their LGBTQIA youth’s risk and well-being. The Utah Suicide Prevention Coalition reports that LGBTQIA teens who experience family rejection are eight times more likely to die by suicide than LGBTQIA teens accepted by family. Data from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) shows that LGBTQIA teens who are rejected by their families are six times more likely to have high levels of
depression, three times more likely to use illegal drugs, and three times more likely to be at increased risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases.


Conversely, studies show that LGBTQIA youth who are accepted by their families experience overall physical and emotional health. It also helps them to develop higher self-esteem and value their inherent sense of worthiness. Furthermore, LGBTQIA youth accepted by their families are less likely to be depressed, use illegal drugs, or attempt suicide. Family acceptance also helps LGBTQIA youth create healthy beliefs about their life outcome. They believe that they will be happy, productive, and have a good life with family support. If you are motivated to support your child through this acceptance journey, but unsure what to do, you are not alone.


Finally, parents, you may be struggling with your emotions, and that’s ok and normal. However, it is critical to emphasize that parents’ or caregivers’ actions and words have a powerful impact on their children’s well-being. If you’d like to foster a more supportive environment for a LGBTQIA child or teen, here are a few things you can do.

  1. Show love and affection.
    LGBTQIA youth worry about being loved by their parents or caregivers. The question that they may be asking themselves is, “Am I loved? Am I lovable?” Don’t hesitate to tell your child, “I love you.” Also, show your child displays of physical affection. These actions will promote a secure attachment between you and your child.
  2. Reach out and listen
    Your child may interpret long periods of silence as a sign of anger. It will feel uncomfortable to talk about your teens’ sexual orientation or sexual identity but reach out to talk to them about their experiences. Listen to what they have to say and respond with empathy.
  3. Happy future
    Parents, accepting your LGBTQIA youth allow them to envision a happy future as an LGBTQIA adult. A positive narrative about the future is essential to counteract isolation, hopelessness, risky behaviors, and suicide ideation.
  4. Stand up for your child.
    Remember, as a parent, your words are powerful. Through your journey and your child’s journey, you may hear some negative comments from families and friends. When you hear these negative comments, it is an opportunity to practice courage and let others know that you will not
    accept insults, teasing, or discrimination against your child. Insist that family members and friends treat your child with respect or rethink the very definition of family and friends.
  5. When you know better, do better.
    As human beings, we are always evolving and growing. As parents, we also make mistakes. Do not try to be perfect but try to be human. American poet Dr. Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Parents, your LGBTQIA child needs your love. They are afraid and worried that you might never love them. They need a secure attachment bond to become physically and emotionally healthy adults.

References:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2017, June 21). LGBT Youth. Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth.htm. 

Sanders, R., & Fields, E. L. Tips for Parents of LGBTQ Youth. Johns Hopkins Medicine.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/tips-for-parents-of-
lgbtq-youth. 

Utah Suicide Prevention Coalition. (2017). Utah Suicide Prevention Plan 2017-2021.
https://www.health.utah.gov/vipp/pdf/Suicide/SuicidePreventionCoalitionPlan2017-
2021.pdf. 

Resources:
Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
https://pflag.org/chapter/pflag-salt-lake-city

Utah Pride Center
https://www.utahpridecenter.org

Equality Utah
https://www.equalityutah.org/mission

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Ask The Therapist: How Can I Heal My Friendship?

I have a friend that I care deeply for. Over the last two years since she has known me I know that I have emotionally been dependent on her. I haven’t been as bad at this as I have been in the past but now she has let me know that she doesn’t want any contact with me. I know without much background information it would be hard to answer this question. I have been told that I do have some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and I do recognize that I have fears of abandonment, right now it’s a fear of her abandonment of the friendship. We do go to the same church so I do see her there. I want to heal this relationship but not sure how. I want to respect her wish to not have contact with me but I would do anything to help heal this relationship.

A: Thank you for writing in. What a difficult situation to find yourself in. You are being faced with the very thing that you are afraid of. This “time out” from your friendship can be an opportunity for personal insight and growth. Please respect your friend’s boundaries and need for space right now while you take time to reflect and identify your emotional patterns that have pushed her away.

Click the arrow below to hear my full response.

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Take good care of yourself,

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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