We live in a world of chaos filled with
the hustle and bustle of life. There are school, work, home, church, family,
and social obligations and responsibilities that are flying at us 24/7; it can
be difficult to find the quiet in a world filled with noise. Sometimes our
minds scream for the peace and quiet, they need a break from the noise of our
lives. How often are you giving yourself a break? Do you allow yourself to stop
for just a moment and find that peace? Wonder if you haven’t found your quiet
place yet? Create it!
Choose to take a moment and make a
space for yourself, if even in your mind, where you can go to feel calm and
peaceful. This is a place that is all your own, it can be anything you want it
to be. The key to this place is that it is a space where you feel completely at
ease. There is comfort in your place. There is safety in your place. This is a
Here’s a list of questions for you to
answer, in your mind or aloud, to help you start to create a quiet place in
your mind. Initially, read through the questions to become familiar with them. After
some contemplation, read through them again and experience them from a deeper,
more visceral place. Envision how you feel and allow yourself to go into that
Where’s your quiet place? This can be as broad as “at the
beach” or as specific as “sitting on my pink and white canopy bed, holding my
Cabbage Patch doll in my childhood bedroom on Forest Street in Podunk, USA”.
Is it a place that
you once visited or is it a place that you only dream of?
If you’ve been there, when did you visit and what kind of
memories does thinking about it bring to mind? If it’s a real place with
memories attached, dive into those memories. Allow yourself to feel and
re-experience what made this place your “quiet” place.
If it’s a figment of your imagination, when did you start
daydreaming of going there? Do you remember? Maybe this is a place that you
have dreamed of since you were a kid. Maybe you saw a picture somewhere.
What does your quiet
place look like? Use colors, textures, and other descriptive language to be as
specific as possible.
What does it smell like? Again, be descriptive. “Good”,
won’t have the same sensory impact as describing the scent of the ocean or the
pine of the forest after it rains.
What do you hear when
you are there? Trying to engage all your senses, do you hear insects? Birds?
Do you feel the sun on your face or the wind on your cheeks?
Are you warm or cold? What else do you feel? Sand under your feet? The spongy
feel of the forest after a big rain?
Are you there by
yourself or do you have people with you? Who? Let’s be honest there are some
people that do not help us feel calm, they don’t need to be included in your
quiet place. Yep, even if they are your parents, children, spouse, or best
friend. Sometimes we need to find peace away from even those that we love the
Lastly, after you’ve created a picture
with sound, touch, smell, and maybe taste too. Give yourself permission to
visit this place when you feel the noise of the world is too much. I have
clients that use this as part of their morning or bedtime routine to help them
get into a quiet headspace to start their day or go to sleep. Personally, I
like doing it for a few minutes in the middle of my day when I have a break. I
close my office door, take a few deep belly breaths, visualize a place (I have
several), and let the experience encompass my senses and clear my head so that
I can move on with my day with a newfound sense of quiet and calmness.
How are we to just forgive and forget when someone has done us wrong? How am I to trust or let them back into my life after they have caused so much harm? We often find ourselves asking these questions and unsure how to answer them. Forgiveness can be a difficult subject to discuss and we have many different thoughts and feelings about it.
Dr. Fred Luskin, an expert on forgiveness, defines forgiveness as the experience of being in peace right now no matter what story drama has occurred 5 min or 5 years ago and no matter what has happened in any of our lives; at this moment we can be at peace.
Often when we hold a grudge, it creates a lack of peace in our life. Dr. Luskin states that the reason for this lack of peace, is that instead of letting go of an experience, we hold on to it because it went against our expectation of how the situation should have turned out. Yes, life happened, but rather than letting go we are left with emotional turmoil due to an inability to let go of our expectations. One crucial part of forgiveness is letting go and resetting these expectations of those that we feel have wronged us.
Often times I am asked, “Why is it that we must remember?” and “How am I ever supposed to let them in my life again?” Often we remember the situation that occurred so that we do not repeat the same mistakes again. Dr. Luskin explains this concept well, he explains that forgiveness is “actually remembering differently. While the lack of forgiveness is remembering something with an edge or a grudge or a sense of injustice, forgiveness means remembering it more benignly, with compassion. It involves some purpose of moving ahead, rather than just being stuck in the past”. When we forgive someone that does not mean that we automatically trust them or let them back in fully. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves not for the other person.
Luskin notes that in order to move forward and forgive we must first:
Take a hurt less personally
Take responsibility for how you feel
Then become a hero instead of a victim in the story we tell
Luskin notes that we must change from a victim story to a hero in our story. True forgiveness does not put the other person “in charge” but rather it places you in control of the situation. Luskin states, that “while you did not cause these things to happen, you are responsible for how you think, behave, and feel since those experiences occurred. It is your life, and they are your reactions and emotions to manage.”
Every day we have the choice on how we react to situations that we can take offense to. We can choose to react and fall into that default setting of harboring anger or we can take a step back, look at our emotions, and let go.
We have the choice day in and day out to forgive and move forward in our lives. Holding onto these grudges prevent us from our happiness. Letting go and forgiving provides us with the following:
Greater feelings of hope
More peace in your life
Improved physical and mental health
More positive attitude and outlook
If you are having a difficult time forgiving and letting go please reach out and schedule an appointment with Nate at the Cottonwood Heights office 801-944-4555.
Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. San Francisco: HarperOne.
The approaching holidays can be exciting, overwhelming and hard all at the same time. Here are some tips to not only survive but thrive during the festivities.
1. Live “whole-heartedly” during the holidays
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston coined the phase after conducting thousands of interviews studying happiness and connection. “Whole-hearted living” means letting ourselves be deeply and vulnerably seen. Loving with our whole hearts, even when there’s no guarantee. Focus on what is really important.