In sexual relationships, we can often get stuck in performance mode where we are focused on how our body looks, if we’re moving the right ways, or making the right sounds. This external focus puts us in a spectator role where we are observers rather than participants. To shift the balance back toward sex as a pleasurable experience, try the following exercise from Dr. Holly Richmond:
1. Ask your partner to share one way they know they perform (put on a performance) sexually, then share one way you perform sexually.
2. Agree to mutually initiate an act of sexual performance for one minute- play it up, exaggerate sounds positions and moves.
3. Laugh. That should have been fun and playful.
4. Embrace and take three deep breaths.
5. Ask your partner to share one way they experience pleasure sexually, then share one way you experience pleasure sexually.
6. Agree to mutually initiate an act of sexual pleasure for one minute.
7. Embrace and take three deep breaths.
If you find yourself having performance based thoughts, no need to feel guilty or mentally beat yourself up. Acknowledge that sometimes we get distracted, and practice returning your attention to the sensations in your body. If you aren’t experiencing pleasant sensations in your body during sex, can you become your own sexual advocate? Can you share with your partner what feels good to you and ask for more of that?
If you find yourself getting stuck in performance mode and need help getting un-stuck, schedule a session with Alice today. 801-944-4555.