In sexual relationships, we can often get stuck in performance mode where we are focused on how our body looks, if we’re moving the right ways, or making the right sounds. This external focus puts us in a spectator role where we are observers rather than participants. To shift the balance back toward sex as a pleasurable experience, try the following exercise from Dr. Holly Richmond:
1. Ask your partner to share one way they know they perform (put on a performance) sexually, then share one way you perform sexually. 2. Agree to mutually initiate an act of sexual performance for one minute- play it up, exaggerate sounds positions and moves. 3. Laugh. That should have been fun and playful. 4. Embrace and take three deep breaths. 5. Ask your partner to share one way they experience pleasure sexually, then share one way you experience pleasure sexually. 6. Agree to mutually initiate an act of sexual pleasure for one minute. 7. Embrace and take three deep breaths.
If you find yourself having performance based thoughts, no need to feel guilty or mentally beat yourself up. Acknowledge that sometimes we get distracted, and practice returning your attention to the sensations in your body. If you aren’t experiencing pleasant sensations in your body during sex, can you become your own sexual advocate? Can you share with your partner what feels good to you and ask for more of that?
If you find yourself getting stuck in performance mode and need help getting un-stuck, schedule a session with Alice today. 801-944-4555.
Join Kathleen Baxter on the Eve Unleashed Podcast to talk about sex. Kathleen discusses the difficulties of navigating sex conversations in the home with spouses and children. Join through this link and wherever podcasts are streamed.
I recently came across an article by Dr. Chris Donaghue PhD, LCSW, CST. Dr. Chris, as he is known, talks about how performance pressures on men to get and maintain hard erections actually lead to erectile difficulties. These difficulties can lead men to seek out performance enhancing drugs in order to “have good sex”. Dr. Chris shares 8 tips for overcoming erectile disappointment.
1- Have realistic expectations for how a penis functions.
2- Develop a more expansive view of sex.
4- Diversify your sexual skills.
5- Work on your “erotic esteem”.
6- Stay in the moment.
7- Allow each partner to be responsible for their own orgasm.
8- Be a sex and body positive activist.
If you or a partner have ever experienced erectile disappointment, check out the full article here then schedule a session with Alice at 801-944-4555 to help guide you through these steps.
Anxiety actually works to suppress the spinal reflex that triggers arousal. So, if you want to have a hard time maintaining an erection or lubricating, get really worked up and anxious.
2) Don’t communicate with your partner about what you like sexually
If you want sex to be unpleasurable, do not tell your partner what kinds of touch you like and where. Keep those secrets locked in a vault and keep your partner guessing. Sex will become an experience you need to white-knuckle.
3) Obsess about the physical flaws you think you have.
A good way to make sex horrible is to get into your head, and out of your body. If you overthink how you look, it will go bad. Some research indicates that sex is more pleasurable when you view your own body as sexy. So whatever you do, don’t focus on your physical strengths.
4) Obsess about the physical flaws you think your partner has.
Make sure you focus on the parts of your partner’s body you wish were different. If you really want to go for the gold, consume a lot of media and pornography that has unreasonable expectations about body types of a sex partner that reflect a minute percentage of the population.
5) Say YES when you really mean NO
One of the best ways to make sex suck is to make it confusing. Have horrible boundaries and say yes when you really mean no, then you can make sure you are your partner are never on the same page.
6) Never or always initiate sex.
An important part of good sex is for both partners to feel wanted. In order to make it awful, make sure the patterns around initiation get super lopsided. You can make sure to increase feelings of insecurity and resentment.
7) Don’t brush your teeth.
You may not know, but smell, memory, and emotion are closely connected in the brain. Since sex is such an emotional experience and your partner is cued into their senses, you could try to make them feel icky by smelling Disgust is the exact feeling you want your partner to have during sex.
8) Have sex in an environment where your children and pets can interrupt at any moment.
If you want to make sex awful, certainly don’t focus on making it great. Don’t focus at all for that matter. Put yourself in a really distracting environment so you have a hard time focusing on the sensations and emotions you feel. Environments with many interruptions are ideal.
9) Try to read your partner’s mind during sex.
What ever you do, don’t ask your partner how they actually think and feel about your sex together. Make as many assumptions as you possibly can. This way, you can assure you have no idea how they experience you during sex, which means you will likely be missing the mark when it comes to meeting their sexual desires.
10) Don’t take care of your health
Try and be as unhealthy as possible. You don’t want to be in good physical shape in order to make a physical encounter like sex awful. You need to be in the worst shape possible. Make it really hard to maneuver and keep your stamina. An added bonus is that increased weight gain jeopardizes one’s ability to maintain an erection. In fact, most erectile dysfunction is due to weight gain limiting circulation, not mature age.