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The Three Communication Styles: Good Things Utah

The Three Communication Styles: Good Things Utah

One of the biggest problems in marriage is poor communication. There’s so much emotional history and baggage, and both people have thoughts, feelings, and need that can cloud the situation, so it’s easy to miss each other. It’s important to understand three distinct communication styles and how they can hinder or help our ability to connect with each other.

The Doormat

The name says it all: an individual with a doormat style of communication often gets trampled on or simply allow others to lead. They typically favor peace over any type of conflict, so they’ll often be passive or give the silent treatment when things get difficult. This can lead to problems, as those assuming the doormat style have their relationship needs chronically neglected and do not take a stand for themselves.

The Sword

The sword is the opposite: those with this style are often very aggressive, defensive, and on edge. They may verbally lash out or blame others. For them, self-preservation is achieved through emotional manipulation or violence, but the relationship suffers the damage.

The Lantern

The lantern is the type of communication that we should all strive for. It’s illuminating and invites all into the light to see different perspectives and experiences. It is firm and secure, yet not overbearing. The lantern is a more mature style of communication, as it is rises above the tendency to be either a sword or a doormat.

If you are interested in learning more about communication styles and how to strengthen your relationships with also maintaining your own unique voice, check out my book “The Assertiveness Guide for Women.” 





4 Tips To Successfully Co-Parent After A Divorce: Good Things Utah

4 Tips To Successfully Co-Parent After A Divorce: Good Things Utah

Divorces are traumatic, painful, and messy; there are so many raw emotions to work through, but if children are involved, the most important priority for two adults is to work to make sure that their kids are well taken care of. Here are four tips to successfully co-parent following a divorce:

Create A Safe Zone

There’s communication with your ex that takes place behind the scenes, but when you’re directly interacting with him/her in front of your children, remember to act cordially and with respect. Kids are extremely perceptive to things like tone of voice, eye rolls, or other verbal and non-verbal cues. It is already a delicate situation for them, so let them see you being cordial; it will be a tremendous gift for them to see their parents interacting this way. If your feelings toward your ex are still quite volatile or intense, stick to email, texting, or communicating when the kids aren’t around.

See Your Ex as an Asset (Not an Enemy)

It’s easy to feel antagonistic toward your ex-spouse, and although your marriage relationship is no longer intact, you still need to come together as partners to successfully raise your children. Remember that no one loves your kids or is as invested as the other parent! Even if emotionally you’re not quite at the point where you’re ready to see your ex spouse as an ally, hold on to the hope that he/she can eventually help support you in parenting.

Focus on Positive Aspects

This is not an easy thing to do! There are definite reasons you got divorced, and those things are often in the forefront of your mind, but consider the strengths and gifts that your ex-spouse has that can be used toward your child(ren)’s benefits. Maybe he/she is very engaged, good at helping with homework, or very in tune with the kids’ needs. If your child can hear you speaking positively about the other parent, he/she can better adjust.

Support Your Child’s Relationship With The Other Parent

Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to undermine or diminish a child’s relationship with the other parent. Maybe we feel threatened or jealous, like we’re in competition with the ex-spouse, or maybe we have a hard time letting go of our own pain and conflict. But kids desperately need a relationship with both parents (particularly after a divorce), and it’s crucial for you to do everything you can to facilitate that connection in order to help your children thrive.

If you’re struggling to co-parent after divorce contact Wasatch Family Therapy and connect with one of our amazing therapists.


Books to Help Kids Cope with Divorce

Most divorcing parents are greatly concerned about how their child will take the big change. Many expect sadness and worry but do not always feel equipped to help the child cope. Understandably, it is hard for moms and dads to offer ample emotional support to their child if they feel overburdened themselves. Parents are typically overwhelmed with grief, anger, financial concerns, residence changes, custody arrangements, and co-parenting issues, to name a few. Yet children cannot put their needs on hold until parents have fully adjusted. So in the meantime, something simple, like sharing a carefully selected book together, may offer some connection and understanding the child needs for that day. The following children’s books have been valuable in my work with child-clients, so I share them hoping they can help others too:

“The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst (Ages 3+)

The Invisible StringChildren whose parents divorce typically experience repeated separations from one or both parents. This versatile book reassures children they can still feel connected even during times apart.

“People who love each other are always connected by a very special string, made of love. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love” (The Invisible String by Patrice Karst). 

:Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss” by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen (Ages 8+)

Tear SoupWhen a couple divorces, all family members usually experience grief to some degree. This book tells the story of a woman who makes “tear soup” after she suffers a great loss. She shares some essential ingredients of the healing recipe: feel the pain of loss, accept that it takes time, and recognize that grief is different for everyone.



If your child experiences distress due to parental divorce, call to schedule an appointment with Melissa at Wasatch Family Therapy – 801.944.4555.


4 Tips to Surviving Divorce


So your marital relationship with your spouse has ended, and you’re probably reeling from the aftermath, wondering how you’re supposed to pick yourself up and move forward. It is normal to feel confused, lost, alone, and wounded. The good news is you do not have to feel this way forever. There are some things that you can start doing right now to work towards healing, and finding a new, positive path for yourself. Here are 4 tips that will help you survive your divorce and get to a better place:

  1. Surround Yourself With Good Support

Going through a divorce can be one of the loneliest feelings in the world, because you’re losing one of your primary connections. In order to take the edge off of the loneliness, it’s important to engage in and create a positive support system. This can include friends, family, neighbors, church leaders, and a therapist. You don’t want to rely on just one person to talk to, because you want to get different types of perspectives and support, and you don’t want to burn anyone out. It may be difficult to be around people at this time, but forcing yourself to spend some time with trusted others can really help ease the pain.

  1. Take Care of You

If you’re going through a divorce, you probably feel really low on motivation and energy. The only thing that may sound good to you is lying in bed all day, but this is only going to enhance feelings of depression and loneliness. Instead, it’s going to be very important for you to do a lot of self-care. Make sure you practice good hygiene, and take a shower every day. Try your best to eat good food, and get in some exercise. Along with those things, it can be helpful to do some fun things for yourself. Take a trip with a friend, go for a fun night out, or try out a new hobby. It’ll be difficult, but the more you can take care of yourself, the quicker your adjustment will be.

  1. Create a Game Plan

No one plans on getting divorced, so chances are you and your partner had mapped out plans for your future that are now going to have to change. It’s normal to feel lost and in limbo after a divorce, so it is important that you come up with a new plan for your future. Spend some time thinking about what you would like your new normal to look like, what your goals are for your future, and what you’re going to have to do to get there. Once you have some plans and goals in place, you will have a better sense of direction and control over your life.

  1. Grieve-Don’t Wallow

This can be a tough one to navigate. It is normal and necessary for you to grieve the loss of your marriage. Of course you’re going to have a mixture of emotions, and it’s going to be tough to make it through each day for a while. However, while it’s important for you to allow time to feel and talk about these emotions, it’s also important that you take positive action, and don’t allow your feelings to consume you. If all you ever do is focus on the negative aspects of your divorce, and every time you talk to someone in your support system you are venting about the same things over and over again, you’re never going to feel any better. All that emotion is just going to sit and fester instead of heal. So, when you find yourself obsessing and overwhelmed, engage in that self-care we talked about, get out of your environment into somewhere that helps you gain new perspective, or get busy working on some of those goals we mentioned. There are times and places to work on your grieving process, but that does not have to be every minute of every day.

Divorce is one of the most difficult and painful things a person can experience, and it is expected that you’re going to be down for a time. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you practice these important buffers, you will soon find yourself on the way back to happiness and peace.


4 Easy Ways to Start Cheating On Your Spouse

  1. Always remain emotionally distant. When you have a problem keep it to yourself. Never allow yourself to be open and vulnerable to the other person.
  2. Reach out to old flames on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and any other social media sights, so you can see what they are doing on a daily basis.
  3. Start talking to these old flames regularly. Find out about their current likes and dislikes. Examine if they are happy in their relationship.
  4. When you are sad, angry, hurt, confused, and/or any other negative emotion toward your spouse turn to this new/old friend for support. Your spouse does not need to know. This information will only burden them and create even more emotional distance. Lean on and confide only on this new friend. Emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex holds no danger for you. In the long run you are looking after your spouse and hopefully protecting them from hurt feelings.


If you find yourself falling into any of these categories and feel that the relationship with your spouse is not going well, call Wasatch Family Therapy today. We are ready to help you through this difficult time and teach you effective ways to strengthen your relationship, and keep proper distance and boundaries in areas that may lead to cheating in the future.


Ask A Therapist: Talk Of Parents’ Divorce Causing Depression

Q: My life was fine until I was in seventh grade, my parents were alright and I had amazing friends, until one night my parents told me and my siblings that my mom was thinking about divorce and how they were constantly fighting that single night brought everything down since then my parents were fighting all the time, my father would get drunk and start talking without knowing he was hurting my feelings, one night he almost hit my sister and my mom that marked my whole life, I almost didn’t make it through eight grade because I would just think about my parents and how their marriage is gonna end. Is not very pleasant to see your mom and dad sad 🙁 Now in my freshman year everything got worse I started to get sad, cry without a reason, I get stress more easy and stuff like that.

Also I’ve been distancing from my friends and I know many people but I’m just used to them being my friends, two of them have boyfriends and they just stick to them like glue and its kind of annoying because we made a promise that no boy will interfere with our friendship but I guess isn’t validate anymore, for them I don’t exist anymore because they also have new friends and they leave in a corner alone. I guess that is also part of my sadness I guess and I also lost interest in things I used to like for example writing, photography, fashion and reading plus I’ve been thing about self-harming but I know that isn’t gonna help. So please answer me. take care 🙂


Children’s Books For The Hard Stuff: Anxiety, Divorce, ADHD, Depression…

Children’s Books For The Hard Stuff: Anxiety, Divorce, ADHD, Depression…








One of the most common questions I get as a child therapist is, “What books do you recommend for (fill in the blank)? Here are some of my favorite books for specific issues. If you want to learn more about the books or order a book here is an Amazon list

Divorce/ Grief/ Trauma

When Dinosaurs Divorce by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (Illustrator)

When Dinosaurs Die by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (Illustrator)

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert , Chuck DeKlyen, and Taylor Bills

A Terrible Thing Happened- A Story For Children Who Have Witnessed Violence or Trauma by Margaret M. Holmes


10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Throwing In the Towel on Your Marriage

Making the decision to stay or leave your marriage may seem overwhelming in the wake of a revealed affair or other traumatizing event.  It’s normal upon hearing that a spouse has been unfaithful to assume the marriage is over and that the love you once shared is gone forever.  Both partners may feel highly emotional and perhaps hopeless about their future together.  This is a good time to put on the brakes and slow things down.  Rushing into a life altering decision such as a divorce may actually compound the problem and prolong the hurt you and your partner are experiencing.  Before making any life changing decisions, allow yourself a brief waiting period, somewhere between 8 to 12 weeks, to think things through.  Your decision will have far reaching effects for you, your spouse, and your children.Wasatch Family Therapy Couples

Read through the following questions and share your answers with your partner, a close friend, or a therapist.

  1.  How will my life be different if we get divorced?
  2.  How will our children’s lives be different?
  3.  What first attracted me to my spouse?
  4.  What are my best memories with my spouse?
  5.  What will I miss the most about my marriage?
  6.  Down deep, do I still love my spouse?
  7.  Are my partner and I generally compatible?
  8.  Is my partner a generally dependable and trustworthy person?
  9.  Am I able to explore vulnerabilities in our marriage?
  10. Am I willing to work on my marriage?

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Co-Parenting After Divorce: Julie Hanks on Studio 5

Cooperation and communication between divorced parents are crucial to a child’s well-being. It’s often difficult for ex-spouses to transition from intimate partners to “business partners”. You are both in the business of successfully raising your child or children together.

1) Nurture your child’s relationship with other parent

You don’t need to be friends with your ex-spouse, but you do need to be a friend to your child’s relationship with them. Regardless of your feelings toward your ex-spouse, it is in your child’s best interest to support and nurture their relationship with your co-parent. Your feelings or opinions toward your ex are none of your child’s business. The only exception to this is if you believe your child is in danger of being neglected, abused, or harmed.


Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce

Holly Willard, LCSW, our newest therapist to join WFT’s team, sent me this article about a children experience with divorce, and how and why children blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. I love how this article gives voice to what children want and need from both parents in order to navigate this difficult transition and not feel overwhelmed and responsible for the divorce.

Helping Children Avoid Feeling Guilt Over Their Parents’ Divorce


If you’ve gone through a divorce, how have you supported your child through it? We want to hear from you!

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