If you are like me, you find “free
time” to be almost a mythical experience. Then trying to create time for
romance in your relationship, and it seems like we are living a straight
fantasy. However, with today’s fast-paced world and technology every direction,
it seems nearly impossible to have a truly romantic relationship. Often when I
meet with couples, I hear, “We are more like roommates than a couple.” During
my initial assessment and learning about the couple’s daily routine, I find
that these couples are unintentionally avoiding what they want the most –
intimacy.
The best remedy
for this lack of intimacy and romance is to make “intentional” time
with each other and make changes that will create and maintain a loving and
intimate relationship throughout the lifespan. Here are some of my prescribed
remedies for keeping the romance in your relationship.
1- Turn it off. Take the television out of
the bedroom-this includes turning off the cell-phones. If you are not on
bedrest, there is no need to have a T.V. in the bedroom. It takes away time
that could be spent engaging in pillow talk, cuddling, kissing, and making
love.
2- Go on a date.
It is fine to go to the movies now and then but when I say go on a date I mean
GO on an intentional date where conversation can be had throughout. Take
a long drive through the canyon, go on a picnic in the park or at a garden.
Spending time together without a distraction of a movie or comedian allows time
to rebuild intimacy and learn or re-learn about your partner.
3- Hold hands. Staying
close doesn’t have to be complicated. Touch is such a powerful tool for
connection. Human touch is a basic primal need. We do not outgrow this. Holding hands while watching your favorite
show, walking around the neighborhood, or waiting for your table at a
restaurant can create that closeness without a lot of effort.
4- Don’t forget
to play. Research shows that couples who play together have increased
bonding, communication, conflict resolution, and report overall satisfaction in
the relationship. Play can be something
spontaneous like a water fight while in the garden or tickle fight while doing
housework, something planned like going bowling, or just sitting down for an old-fashioned
game of cards. So, give yourself permission to get silly and be a kid again.
5- 5-second kiss. How often do you give your partner
a quick peck goodbye in the morning or hello after work? Sure, that is nice,
but it becomes routine and unpassionate. Holding a kiss for at least 5 seconds
gives you that intentional purpose of showing your partner that you love
them. This doesn’t have to be limited to saying goodbye or hello, you could
engage in the 5-second kiss to say thank you for dinner or helping with the
kids or just because you want to kiss.
These “remedies” are not a cure-all for all relationships.
Sometimes there is an issue that goes a little deeper, and that issue is
impairing your relationship. In that case, these simple steps aren’t where you
need to start, and you may need to look into talking about it with a trained
professional. If you need couples counseling, please call our office at
801-944-4555 to make an appointment. We are here to help.
Life seems to be getting busier and busier from soccer practice to choir rehearsals, school projects, and bedtime stories. I think we sometimes forget how intense life can be for a teenager or even for your three-year old learner. As an adult, we often get stuck in a mindset where we believe our adult problems are real and our teens problems are miniscule in comparison. Sometimes we forget how difficult life can be in high school. Maintaining friendships seem more difficult these days, with all the technology and social media barriers. Your little ones experience these difficulties as well. This could be with making friends at daycare and when family members are too busy to play or acknowledge their presence. When your child is experiencing all these stressors, they may come across as having a bad attitude, disrespectful, over-sensitive, or selfish. In reality, our kids are really just trying to figure out how to navigate life and may lack skills or verbiage to describe their stress and pain.
At the same time my daughter was experiencing her newfound emotions as a teen, I had the joy of also raising a three-year old who I deemed was like a threenager.
Threenager:A three-year-old child who has just as big of an attitude and overwhelming emotions as a teenager but with even less words or skills to regulate themselves.
I felt a little overwhelmed at times with all of their emotions as well as my own. Here are some tips and tricks I used to not only survive this time but also help my children thrive during these hard times.
Do not minimize your children’s emotional experience. Even if their problem seems small or easily solvable to you. They are having a hard time.
Instead, listen to their story, validate their feelings and offer your unconditional love and support.
Avoid Blame. There are times when your child is experiencing a natural consequence such as losing a friend because they wouldn’t share or added to a rumor about them.
What they really need is empathy and support. “It’s hard when you lose a friend.” Or “you seem to have had a bad day.”
They don’t need you to fix it. It may seem easier as a parent with life skills to solve problems for our kids but there is a bigger reward when they learn to solve the problem on their own.
You can sit with them and help them come up with their own solutions, “how do you think you can fix this?” or “what would you like to be different?” Also never underestimate the power of sitting and problem solving with your child over a glass of chocolate milk. It does wonders in my home.
Respect their boundaries. If your child is having a hard day and they do not want to talk about it or refuse a hug, do not personalize it, allow them time to work on the problem on their own.
Be there for them when they are ready for a hug or to talk. You can offer reassurance by telling them “I can see you want some space right now, I am here if you need me.”
These simple reframes as a parent have gone a long way to create a safe and equal relationship with my kids. It has eased some stress on my end and helped my children to gain emotional intelligence and gain life skills that are invaluable into adulthood.
If you would like to schedule a family session or session for your child, please call us at Wasatch Family Therapy at 801-944-4555
Recently, I attended a funeral for my dear friend who had a significant impact during my adolescence. As the days led up to the funeral, I looked for a babysitter but was unable to find one so I needed to take my 5-year old son. I had concerns about what behavior he would have throughout the event and what he would think or take away from it. I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. He was well behaved and respectful throughout the day. He showed sympathy by giving me a tissue when he saw my crying and empathized with my friend’s son who was visibly saddened.
A few days later, we were working on a holiday craft and my son started asking questions about the funeral. “Why did we go?” he asked and “Was she your family?” He was able to reflect on the emotions of others. He commented on my friend’s son’s emotions and said, “It’s good that it wasn’t his mom so he still has someone to care for him.” He stated, “I would be so sad if you died.” He then proceeded to ask questions about how people die.
This situation really had me reflecting about how to talk to children about death and should they attend a funeral.
How to talk to your children about death
When deciding how to talk to a child about death, consider the age and development of the child. Children process death differently than adults. They may realize that they feel sad but may not understand the permanency of death. Here are some suggestions to start the conversation.
Be honest and straightforward. Telling a child that a loved one is “in a better place” can be confusing and send a message that there is something wrong with this place. Instead, you could say, “Uncle Jack died in a car accident. That means that we won’t get to see him anymore.”
Answer questions honestly and directly. When your child asks when Fluffy the pet turtle is coming home gently remind the child that Fluffy has died and will not be coming home.
Don’t be afraid to show your emotions. Children learn from the way we act and respond in daily events. Shedding tears in sadness of the loss is appropriate for your child to see and it will help them learn how to cope with emotions when they come up. With this, encourage your child to express their emotions.
Remember that children will have their own reaction to loss. Offer empathy and understanding through emotions or disruptive behaviors.
