Desire discrepancy in couples is one of the most common sources of distress within sexual relationships. Couples may find themselves in situations where one parter is the high desire partner (HDP) and the other is the low desire partner (LDP). These labels can lead one or both partners to feel broken and blamed for problems in the relationship. Other couples may find resentment builds when their partner either “doesn’t want them sexually” or “only wants them for sexual release”.
If you and your partner are stuck in this sort of dynamic, first, know that neither one of you is broken. All levels of desire are normal, and very few relationships involve couples with consistently balanced interest in sex.
Second, if you can step away from looking at your partner’s level of sexual desire as the problem, it will be much easier to work together to bridge the gap.
Bridging The Gap:
If you find yourself wanting sex more often than your partner, ask yourself, “what am I horny for”. Dr. Neil Cannon lists the following as motives for seeking sex:
When you identify what your motive for sex is, you can examine whether some of those desires could be met in other ways. This begins to reduce pressure on your partner, narrowing the gap between your experienced desire.
Another tool you can use to help bridge gaps in desire is to identify, as Emily Nagoski calls them, your sexual brakes and accelerators. What turns you on? What turns you off? How can you as an individual and as a couple work to minimize brakes and maximize accelerators?
One huge brake many individuals experience is not enjoying the sex they are having. This is usually a result of poor communication or shame surrounding sexuality. Using the brakes and accelerators framework can be a great way to improve communication about sexual preferences. Make sure you speak up so your partner knows what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy. Make sure to listen so you really hear what your partner is sharing with you. Think of this as an opportunity to learn about your partner, increasing mutual pleasure and satisfaction in your relationship.
Lastly, try scheduling sex in your calendar. On the appointed day, work on managing your own brakes/accelerators to help you get in the mood. Recognize when there are things you can do to help your partner look forward to the experience with positive anticipation. Text and flirt throughout the day. Make sure that when it comes down to it, saying “not tonight”, is still an option, this reduces pressure. If you are the partner who wants to say no, consider saying yes to something else instead. For example, “I’m really not feeling up to penetrative sex tonight, but I’d love to cuddle, skin to skin”, or, “I’m not feeling up for penis-in-vagina sex at the moment, but I’d really love to just make out with you”. Then leave the door open for whatever may (or may not) follow, pressure free. Regardless of the outcome, you will feel more connected and you will have improved your ability to communicate about your wants and desires.
If you’d like to learn more about bridging a desire gap in your relationship, call 801-944-4555 to schedule a session with Alice today.
that is human is mentionable and anything mentionable can be more manageable.
When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting,
and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know
we are not alone.” – Fred Rogers
I love this quote from Mr. Rogers; it is the epitome of what I believe as a therapist and strive to achieve with my clients. We are all human and we have immense capacity for handling emotions, but sometimes those emotions feel completely and utterly overwhelming. Having a person that we can trust can make those emotions feel more manageable and we might, just maybe, even be able to talk about them more openly.
We all want to feel like we matter and that
someone cares about us; that is a universal human desire. No one wants to feel
like they are all alone in this life, but often that is a feeling that we
experience. How do we combat those feelings of being alone, isolated, not
heard, or not cared for? Connection. Connection to someone or something that
allows us to feel seen, heard, and understood. Connection requires vulnerability
and vulnerability can be scary. Let’s be honest, we have all probably experienced
a situation that we chose to bury, ignore, or deny an emotion rather than risk
being hurt by being vulnerable and sharing.
Many of us grew up with Mr. Rogers as our introduction into learning about feelings. He didn’t shy away from talking about the hard topics either: death, divorce, pain, rage, and anger all featured on his show aimed at children. His forthright presentation of issues that we, as human beings, all struggle with was not typical for the time where children were, largely, encouraged to be seen and not heard. How refreshing to help children, and the adults that we became, to learn to recognize, identify, and name the emotions that we were feeling and that it was ok to be scared, it’s human. And if it’s human, then it’s mentionable and manageable with a little help from our friends in the neighborhood. In the words of Mr. Rogers, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”
Saraf, P., Turtletaub, M., Holzer, L. (Producers), & Heller, M. (Director).
(2019) A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood [Motion Picture]. United
States: Tristar Pictures.
As the seasons change from the light filled days of summer to the shorter cooler days of fall, many people begin to notice a change in the way that they feel. For some people, they feel invigorated and energized by the cooler weather; however, for others these shorter days lead to feeling less motivated. And still, for others the onset of cooler weather is just the precursor to the “winter blues”, a condition formerly known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Regardless of the timing of depression, it’s an experience that can feel isolating and hopeless. However, there are things that we can do to help alleviate some of the symptoms of depression.
Humans are connected beings, we need connection to survive and we especially need it thrive. Strengthening our connections with those around us can help with the feelings of isolation and being alone. What do we do if we don’t have strong connections in place? Looking for ways to connect that are a little more unconventional than the traditional family, friends, and coworker relationships is one place to start. For example, there are meet up groups for all kinds of different hobbies that are open to people. Faith communities are ways to connect with people that have the same ideological and theological beliefs. Volunteering allows an array of engagement opportunities that also provide a sense of worth and giving back. However, even engaging in an activity that provides peripheral contact can be beneficial; going to the same coffee shop every morning on your way to work and engaging the barista in small talk is a step towards making a connection.
The coffee shop stop leads us to another way to combat depression…getting out. Yep, it might be the last thing that you want to do when you are in the midst of a depressive episode, but it is one that can provide a quick pick me up. Finding options that require us to leave the safety and confines of our couch can be as exciting or as calming as we choose. Going for a quick 10 minute walk around the block, going to the bookstore to pick up the latest novel from your favorite author, or taking that pottery class you’ve always wanted to try…they all require that we step away from our comfort zone.
Exercise is also a great way to combat depression. Exercise gets our blood flowing and heart pumping that leads to a release of those feel good endorphins that help balance our emotions. Want to up the anti depressive effects? Exercise outside in the sunshine, there are currently studies that hypothesize that vitamin D deficiencies are
linked to depression, though that has been proven yet. However, light therapy has been shown to be an effective treatment for SAD.
Lastly, talk therapy with a trained therapist that can help you deal with your individual symptoms is also an effective option when you are having depressive episodes that aren’t being effectively mitigated by diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes. Having a person that will listen and help you develop and implement changes and coping skills into your life can be invaluable as you traverse a trying time but you don’t have to do it alone. Wasatch Family Therapy offers therapists for all ages to meet your individual needs, to make an appointment call 801-944-4555 today.
Many people believe they want to get naked in their marriage. Truly naked. They go into marriage with a belief that good things will just “happen.” That methods they’ve learned from their friends or even their parents will allow their clothing to just come off. No risk! Just the potential for an excellent reward.
The deeper challenge is that getting emotionally naked in your marriage takes focused practice and understanding. So much so, that people often don’t put forth the effort to get there.
Over the years I’ve developed a number of key strategies for couples to peel off their emotional clothing. To become truly naked to their spouse in ways that seems foreign at first. In reality, somewhat painful at best!
Staying Fully Clothed Emotionally
When working with couples I’ve had derivations of the following conversation on a number of occasions. It goes something like this: addressing the husband, I may say something like “You know your wife wants to hear from you even when you’re having a terrible day. She wants to connect deeply with you.” When asked supportively if this is correct, she will often give a knowing and definitive nod. He seems completely taken aback by this as he was taught essentially that sharing feelings is “weak.” Certainly not manly or desirable. And who wants to be seen as a wimp in marriage? No one!!!
Of perhaps greater import, is that unless a couple can become emotionally open with each other they’ll rarely (if ever!) feel completely connected. She will be unable to trust him on a consistent basis. He will feel that she doesn’t want to dig in deeply on things that matter to him. In reality, why should she want to do so? When she does reach out to him he can seem to be aloof and disinterested. Meanwhile, he can perceive her as distant and not wanting to connect with him in physically intimate or affectionate way. This leads to disconnection and a belief that this will never change. Ouch!
Learning to “Bare It All” Emotionally
I’ve heard it said that it’s easier for some couples to be physically naked with their spouse than risking emotional nudity. Acquiring new ways to trust emotionally doesn’t need to seem like rocket science. Indeed, it isn’t really rocket science. In fact, it takes two people gradually becoming willing to share, errr, BARE it all. One key item for men is making the paradigm shift from essentially always keeping feelings hidden to sharing even his most key fears. This can be done with a well-trained marriage therapist or even gradually at home as the couple is ready. Either way, it can work.
One key challenge is that most believe “we’ve already tried that. Believe me, it did NOT go well!” The difference now is that you’ll be following three key ideas. Check this out.
First, realize it will be a gradual journey to go from emotionally withdrawn to connective. I like to ask some of the couples I work with to just improve one out of four times initially, i.e., that’s just 25 percent. That is, wives risk asking your husband how he is feeling when he looks really overwhelmed by his day. Husbands, be willing to share your feelings with her, even when it looks like your job may be at risk of being RIF’d in the near future.
Next, recognize that ANYTHING worth doing in this life comes at a risk. Going back to school comes with a risk. Asking your boss for a raise comes with a risk. In fact, asking (and accepting!) your wife to marry you came with a risk. The key point here is that if you don’t risk you’ll be in the same position 1 month or even 10 years from now. Do you REALLY want that???
Thirdly, make sure that you recognize that improvement takes consistency. Don’t just try for awhile and then give up because it wasn’t perfect. Recognize what the universe wants you to know, it will NEVER be perfect. Just keep risking and recognize it will get better.
Becoming Naked Together
Now you maybe thinking “Michael, I’m getting major goose bumps from the cold winds just thinking about becoming exposed emotionally.” Hey, I get that. Please know that there are wonderful resources to help you out. One on my favorites is speaker/author Brene’ Brown (https://Brenebrown.com). One of her most profound concepts is that of “vulnerability.” When I ask men what the word means to them, almost exclusively they’ll respond “weak.” Women generally see it as something to be desired. Totally sought after. Pursued and captured. Exactly!
Moving from seeing vulnerability (or risking) as “weak” to a strength is a journey. One that is so worth it for your marriage to truly become amazing. And, isn’t your marriage worth the effort to go from emotionally disconnected to a feeling of comfort as the emotional clothing peels off? I absolutely believe it is!
Michael Boman, LCSW has years of experience helping couples to reach their full potential in marriage. You can reach him by email at Info@wasatchfamilytherapy.com.
Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize emotion and to use it to improve your life and your relationships. It is truly one of the most important skills you can develop as a human being, and yet it’s not something we seem to talk about very often. Here are some ways to work to achieve Emotional Intelligence in your marriage.
Acknowledge Your Emotions
All people have emotions. Some may be more expressive or communicative about them, but everyone has feelings. It sounds simple, but it’s important to recognize that both you and your spouse have inner experiences that influence you both.
Sort and Label Emotions
To be able to utilize and express your emotions, you first need to be able to identify them. The six basic emotions are happy, mad, sad, scared, surprised, and disgust. The ability to articulate in your mind, “this is what I’m feeling,” will help you communicate better with your partner. Being able to name those emotions makes the intensity go down so you’re better able to keep calm even in a tense situation.
Manage Emotions In Health Ways
Couples often have problems in that they don’t know how to cope with their own feelings, so they have emotional outbursts with their partner. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a deep breath before you choose to engage or say something. Just take a pause and give yourself some time.
Express Emotions in Ways That Bring Connection
When you understand your emotions, you can ask for what you need in a way that brings you closer. If you’re sad, you can ask for comfort or encouragement. Also, look for signs that the other person has some emotions that need to be acknowledged. You might say something like, “gosh, you’ve seemed upset this week. Anything you want to talk about?” Acknowledging, labeling, and managing our feelings allows us to connect more with our partner and make sure both people’s needs are met.
Click here for a free printable Feelings Word List to help you better understand your emotional experiences.
Yes, we are going there. Though people come to therapy to talk about hard things, or things that take a lot of courage to say, the topic of changing physical attraction seems to be on the forbidden list. Try as I may to create a comfortable and safe environment for couple to discuss this very normal challenge, people won’t talk about it.
The truth is, ALL bodies change! Not one person is going to bed next to the same body that they initially married. We wrinkle, give birth, gain weight, lose weight, lose hair, lose body parts, get cancer, change skin tone and hair color, find stretch marks, get shorter, become less mobile, lose teeth, struggle becoming erect or lubricating, etc. I could go on and on. We are living organisms, and this earth breaks down living organisms over time. In fact, some estimates say that on average a person’s body is growing or developing only until around age 21, after which it is declining, breaking down, aging, and dying. The moral of the story; it is normal and it happens to all of us!
So, then the next question is, how does this impact your sexuality? For most of us, we need to re-evaluate what is physically attractive about our partner, or how much we value what our partner’s body looks like. Sadly, the solution I hear most people using to cope with these changes is to just turn the lights off. I don’t think turning a blind eye is the healthiest of solutions.
Might I suggest instead, changing your insides in tandem with those changing outsides.
Don’t have 1 dimensional sex. If you are hyper focused on your body or your partner’s body, you may be stuck in just the physical dimension of sex. Sex has the potential to be much more than that. According to Dr. Gina Ogden, sex should include body, mind, spirit and heart. Do you fixate on parts of your partner’s body during sex or have you ever thought about how much you love their kindness or nature or humility during sex? What parts of your partner are you currently neglecting to make love with, that may bring more satisfaction?
Within that physical dimension of sex, don’t focus on the parts of your own or your partner’s body that you are dissatisfied with. Rather, focus on the parts of their body you do enjoy. For instance, you could obsess about a fat roll, or you could admire their strong shoulders or beautiful eyes, or the sound of their voice.
Lastly, stop consuming large volumes of media that communicates inaccurate and unrealistic expectations of what bodies “should” look like. Research shows that our inaccurate interpretations of reality are directly related to how much media we consume. If you are going to bed expecting your spouse to look like the media version of a 21-year-old, 34-year-old, or 59-year-old, you will likely be disappointed. Comparing your partner’s body or your own body to anyone else’s body, is not going to serve your sexual relationship.
Work with your spouse to create new sexual expectations. I would guess that as you re-evaluate some of the expectations you have in your sex life, you will likely feel less shame and experience more connection and pleasure from sex.
If you and your spouse would like to create more meaningful and more pleasurable sexual experience, make an appointment today.
Whether it is dancing with a loved one, head banging on our way to work, or singing our hearts out with friends and family; music affects our mood and our relationships. A recent study by Apple and Sonos found some surprising results regarding something we all love, music.
Apple and Sonos (2016) completed a global study of thirty-thousand consumers to see how music can affect our “home life”. The study surveyed people with varied backgrounds ranging from families with children, couples, and friends as roommates. Despite different backgrounds those that were surveyed had something in common: music impacted their relationships in positive ways. At this day and age we all seem to plug in on the internet, video games, and social media. While we tend to be physically present, we are not always emotionally or mentally present with those around us. We know electronics play a role in preventing some of these interactions, but how do we combat them. We can do this by just playing music!
The study found that in the US families spent more quality time together by four and a half hours versus families who did not play music (1). This is huge especially when we have a difficult time unplugging, we now know that we can plug into music together and spend more quality time with our family and friends which then improves our relationships.
For families spending quality time listening to music improved their relationships in a variety of areas including the following:
They were 33% more likely to cook together.
They were 85% more likely to invite others over including friends and other close family.
They also experienced 15% more laughter together as a family.
The words “I love you” and other words of affirmation were 18% more likely to be said among each other.
Each of these examples can translate to improved relationships. Music is something that is so simple, and yet, can yield such a big impact for our relationships and drive more connection. The study further notes that the average of physical distance between family members was by 12% which the study called “a nexus of intimacy and togetherness” (1).
Throughout the study, couples began to experience 66% more intimacy while music played (1). Intimacy is much more than sex. Intimacy is moving from you and me to more of a “we”. The more intimate you become the closer you and your significant other will understand the ins and outs of the relationship. However, music did indeed improve the more “intimate” instances of intimacy. The study noted that couples were awake 37% more each evening which means that couples were having more, wait for it, sex (1).
When we’re having a bad day we can turn on our favorite song have a dance party and instantly our mood can change. Studies have shown that even by listening to happy or sad music we then perceive neutral faces as either happy or sad which matches the music heard prior by the individual (2).
Whether it is being closer with a loved one or improving the quality time your family spends together music can help. Music is something that can help us feel a variety of emotions and some good or bad. Music can help bring us together, but what really drives the connection between your family or friends at these times is becoming emotionally connected. When we truly open up with someone and have these musical experiences we show our vulnerabilities. During these vulnerable moments we can connect to someone on another level and they can see who we truly are.
When music is not enough to mend or help overcome a difficult patch in our lives we can seek further assistance. This assistance can come from friends, family, or professionals such as therapists to help work through your unique and challenging situations. If you are considering therapy and are worried what it will be like, please come and see us at Wasatch family therapy. We strive to provide everyone who comes with a comfortable, safe and non-judgmental atmosphere so that those we see can succeed. Please do not hesitate to contact us at Wasatch Family Therapy at 801-944-4555. Together we can learn further tools to help you through your specific changes.
SONOS | Apple Music. (n.d.). Retrieved November 13, 2017, from http://musicmakesithome.com/
Cooper, B. B. (2016, August 26). 8 Amazing, Little-Known Ways Music Affects the Brain. Retrieved November 13, 2017, from https://blog.bufferapp.com/music-and-the-brain
Most divorcing parents are greatly concerned about how their child will take the big change. Many expect sadness and worry but do not always feel equipped to help the child cope. Understandably, it is hard for moms and dads to offer ample emotional support to their child if they feel overburdened themselves. Parents are typically overwhelmed with grief, anger, financial concerns, residence changes, custody arrangements, and co-parenting issues, to name a few. Yet children cannot put their needs on hold until parents have fully adjusted. So in the meantime, something simple, like sharing a carefully selected book together, may offer some connection and understanding the child needs for that day. The following children’s books have been valuable in my work with child-clients, so I share them hoping they can help others too:
“The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst (Ages 3+)
Children whose parents divorce typically experience repeated separations from one or both parents. This versatile book reassures children they can still feel connected even during times apart.
“People who love each other are always connected by a very special string, made of love. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart, and know that you are always connected to the ones you love” (The Invisible String by Patrice Karst).
:Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss” by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen (Ages 8+)
When a couple divorces, all family members usually experience grief to some degree. This book tells the story of a woman who makes “tear soup” after she suffers a great loss. She shares some essential ingredients of the healing recipe: feel the pain of loss, accept that it takes time, and recognize that grief is different for everyone.
If your child experiences distress due to parental divorce, call to schedule an appointment with Melissa at Wasatch Family Therapy – 801.944.4555.
O yes, we are talking about the big O. A little too big, if you ask me. As I sit with couples and discuss the tender issue of sex and the vulnerabilities it uncovers, I notice that a lot of people make a HUGE deal about orgasms. Now, I get it, orgasms are great! However, sometimes when couples make an orgasm the determining factor as to whether or not a sexual encounter was good or bad, they may discredit a lot of other good things that happen during sex.
The truth is, not everyone orgasms every time they have sex. This varies widely from individual to individual. Some people have orgasms frequently, hit or miss, or rarely at all. Some people are distressed by a lack of orgasm, and some are not. Some people are distressed by having an orgasm. Individual experiences and contexts influence what meaning we attach to things such as orgasm.
This being the reality, you can see how much pressure it can add to a sexual encounter to make orgasm the primary goal. While orgasms feel spectacular for most, connection is a good goal for sex. In fact, when someone is feeling pressure or anxiety about “making someone orgasm,” or, “I need to orgasm so my partner feels like a good enough lover,” it actually interferes with the mechanisms in the body that make orgasm the most likely. Ironic, right?
This is why I tell couples to think of orgasm as the side dish, and connection as the main dish. It is okay if you want to orgasm more and take healthy steps to work toward that with your partner. This is best achieved in a mind set of “if it happens great, but if not, we will keep practicing,” rather than a pass or fail mentality. My advice is to relax, communicate, focus on your love for your partner, and enjoy the sensations you feel.
To schedule an appointment with Kathleen Baxter, call Wasatch Family Therapy at 801-944-4555.