Blog Section

Sexercise

In sexual relationships, we can often get stuck in performance mode where we are focused on how our body looks, if we’re moving the right ways, or making the right sounds.  This external focus puts us in a spectator role where we are observers rather than participants. To shift the balance back toward sex as a pleasurable experience, try the following exercise from Dr. Holly Richmond:


1. Ask your partner to share one way they know they perform (put on a performance) sexually, then share one way you perform sexually.  
2. Agree to mutually initiate an act of sexual performance for one minute- play it up, exaggerate sounds positions and moves.
3.  Laugh.  That should have been fun and playful.
4.  Embrace and take three deep breaths.
5. Ask your partner to share one way they experience pleasure sexually, then share one way you experience pleasure sexually.
6. Agree to mutually initiate an act of sexual pleasure for one minute.
7. Embrace and take three deep breaths.

If you find yourself having performance based thoughts, no need to feel guilty or mentally beat yourself up.  Acknowledge that sometimes we get distracted, and practice returning your attention to the sensations in your body.  If you aren’t experiencing pleasant sensations in your body during sex, can you become your own sexual advocate?  Can you share with your partner what feels good to you and ask for more of that?


If you find yourself getting stuck in performance mode and need help getting un-stuck, schedule a session with Alice today.  801-944-4555.

More

Give the Gift of Love

Do my kids know I love them? Should I tell my children everyday that I love them? Is it enough to give them hugs and kisses or should I be doing more to show my love? What else can I do to connect emotionally to my kids? These are just some of the numerous questions I get asked by parents. If you’ve asked these questions, or ones along the same lines, you are not alone! While there are many parenting books, there is not one way to parent a child. Children are unique, and therefore, need to be parented in different ways. What works for you may not work for your sister or your neighbor. 

That being said, there is one thing that all children need: love. A healthy attachment to parents, and an underlying feeling that they are loved and supported, are fabulous stepping stones for a successful future. Many parents question how to adequately show love for their children in such a busy and screen filled world. The best way to show love for your children is to find out how they feel loved. 

Gary Chapman is the author of the book “The Five Love Languages.” This book is about the love languages that couples feel and how to use those to connect in  your relationship. His book “5 Love Languages of Children” is a fantastic tool for any parent who is wondering how to effectively show love to their child. It talks about ways to identify your child’s love language, how to then show it, and discipline through that love language.  There is power in realizing the specific way that your child needs to feel love. If you don’t know what category they fall into simply ask them! Opening up that line of communication can be a great way to get to know your child. 

Another great book about identifying and talking about emotions is John Gottman’s book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.”  In this book parents are coached through different ways to talk to their child about emotion and then how to regulate said emotion. It is a fantastic read for any parent who wants to know more about emotion and how to teach their child about that. 

Many times an inability to talk about emotion stems from the way you were taught to talk about and process emotions growing up. We know from years of research that creating a loving relationship at home is one of the best indicators of future success. If you are struggling with identifying your own emotion, and unpacking that is difficult, coaching your child through difficult emotions may be too hard. Therapy is always a great place to learn tools that will emotionally strengthen you, and will allow you to then strengthen your relationships with your children and spouse. 

Now get out there! Tell your kids you love them. Give them a hug. Make their bed for them. Buy them a candy bar. Go for a walk with them. Find the specific way they feel loved and show it to them in that specific way. It will be a great exercise for both of you. 

More

The Sexy Narrative

I’ve been talking with a lot of clients about narratives lately – the stories we tell ourselves about our lives. Narratives are powerful and shape the way we view ourselves and the world around us. If you grew up in an environment that didn’t talk about sex, or spoke of it in negative or fear-based terms, that creates a powerful narrative. Just a few of the examples I’ve come across:

  • Sex is bad, I’m having sexual thoughts/feelings, so I’m bad.  
  • Sex is embarrassing.
  • Only “those kind of people” are interested in sex.
  • I want/think about sex too much.
  • I want/think about sex too little.
  • I don’t have to right kind of body to be sexual.
  • Sex is too embarrassing to talk about with my partner.


Many of these narratives are powerful enough on their own, but they often get attached to painful emotions which heightens the power they have over us. If you are struggling with an unhelpful narrative surrounding sex, give yourself a break. You aren’t broken. You’re doing the best you can with the narratives you’ve been given. The good news is that we can change our narratives around sex – much like forging a new path through a forest – we can create narratives that lead to increased peace and pleasure. Some examples:

  • Sex is good, and pleasurable and multipurpose.  My sexual thoughts and feelings are natural and I can choose to engage with those thoughts and feelings in ways that are right for me.
  • Sex feels embarrassing sometimes, because it’s not something I have practiced talking/thinking about yet.  The more I talk about it with myself/my partner, the easier it will get.
  • Sex is a normal human experience.
  • However much I think about or want sex is the right amount for me.  Everyone has a different erotic template, and that’s okay.
  • All bodies deserve pleasure in life, there is no such thing as a “right kind of body”.  My body is good, and I appreciate it for its real ness.
  • My partner can’t read my mind, so if I tell them what I enjoy sexually, we will both have a more satisfying experience.  


Most of us have inherited unhelpful sexual narratives, this doesn’t mean we have to hold onto them throughout our lives.  If you are feeling stuck in your sexual narratives, and need help overcoming them, call 801-944-4555 to schedule a session with Alice. 

More

Common Unhealthy Family Dynamics

In my own experience, I have become aware that I spend a lot of time avoiding a normal and healthy human experience – having emotions. As a therapist, I encourage my clients to connect to their emotions. I am a firm believer that you cannot give away what you do not have. With that being said, I am on my own journey to connect with myself and others more deeply. Learning to manage emotions, vulnerability, and honesty are essential skills learned at home. Growing up, I was not taught these skills. I have spent my adult years learning how to experience and process emotions with healthy expression. There are many different ways one can learn to manage emotions and identify feelings.

Family therapy is an excellent approach. It is common for families to fall into dysfunctional communication patterns with each other. Typically, people fall into these traps to avoid feeling. This can feel more comfortable in the moment; however, it is not beneficial to the person or the family in the long run. Facing emotions and connecting with others can feel scary and uncomfortable. It does not always look pretty and can be messy. Having a therapist guide the process can make it more tolerable and give family members greater insight into what is not working and to what is working in the family system. 

Below are examples of dysfunctional communication techniques that families fall into instead of being honest with one another. All of these communication techniques are ways to avoid emotions and confrontation. When I learned to identify these patterns, I discovered I was also missing out on connection, love, and intimacy with my family members and other loved ones. This awareness has helped improve my relationship with myself and others. As you read through these examples, I encourage you to ask yourself if you identify with any of these patterns. If so, then ask yourself, “what am I missing out on in my relationships?”. When a therapist asked me these questions, it struck a chord within me, and I realized some things needed to change. I hope this can be a good start for whoever needs to read this, as it was to me.  

  1. The Blame Game   

Failure to take accountability for one’s actions and emotions leading to the inability to validate another person’s experience. 

Example:

Sister: “My feelings were hurt when you yelled at me”  

Brother: “I reacted like that because you egged me on”

  1. Being Right

 Defending oneself instead of finding a middle ground.

Example:

Partner (1): “I do not like the way you made our bed. It needs to be done this way.”

Partner (2): “I was trying to help; I knew you would be busy this morning”.

Partner (1): “Thanks, but it’s not done the way I like it.” 

  1. Changing the Game  

Deflecting from the issue or question.

Caregiver: “I told you that your room needs to be cleaned before you can go to the movies with your friends”

 Child: “Jane hasn’t cleaned her room and she is out with her friends”

  1. Playing the nice guy

Making other people feel comfortable at the risk of your own beliefs, values, and/or needs.

Example:

An example of this would be a mom that confided her young adult child about her fight with his dad. The child listens and comforts his mom even though he feels uncomfortable and now feels pressured to take sides. 

  1. Gossip 

Talking about someone when they are not present instead of direct confrontation.

Example:

Brother: “Mary is always fighting with mom and getting her way because mom is scared of her”.

Sister: “Yeah, it’s annoying and mom just lets it slide”.

More

Money and Sex. Are they taboo subjects in your marriage?

As you’re likely all too aware, couples can struggle with many key issues in their marriage.  For example, differing perspectives on how to discipline the children are common. Rapport with the in-laws (or the lack thereof) is not unusual. Religious and faith journeys are fairly common discussions for couples in my counseling office. How your spouse spends his or her time when not at home is also a challenge for many couples. 

However, likely the bigger problems arise from our views on how to manage money. Perhaps even more challenging is our views on sex and affection. Getting our needs met in these critical areas of our marital relationships can seem daunting if not overwhelming. 

** Please note that the examples I utilize in this blog are a compilation of many conversations and also not real names. 

Money—Balancing the Relationship Budget

As a counselor that has worked with couples for many years, I find that disagreements about money are common in most relationships. Whether its about how to spend our income on a daily basis. Or how to save for the future, next years vacation, or even for retirement, men and women can just see things differently.  Over the years I’ve used an example regarding going back to school (pre-COVID!) that has proved helpful.  

In our example, Ricky* (* not his real name) is 13 and is about to begin his first year of middle school. Ricky and his mom go to a local store to purchase school clothes for him. Ricky’s mom and dad have recently agreed on a budget for both he and his siblings clothing budget. They feel comfortable with the amount they’re spending and finally feel that they’ve made progress. That sounds great right? Absolutely, until the unexpected happens, which seems to happen often with busy families. 

Please know that the back story here is that Ricky’s parents were raised in homes that see money vastly different. Ricky’s mom was raised in an affluent home where money challenges similar to my example were just NOT an issue. Meanwhile, Ricky’s father was raised in home where money challenges and balance were common. 

Ricky loves to skateboard and has done so for several years. He is boarding with friends when he takes a spill and tears the knee out of his new school pants. These are his favorite pants and Ricky is devastated as he considers telling his parents.  He musters up the courage and tells his mom who responds essentially “don’t worry, we’ll get you a new pair before school starts.”  He is relieved and feels better. Later that evening when his mom and dad discuss the issue, his father is pretty upset by his wife’s perspective. He reminds her of the budget they’d both agreed to live by. How important not waffling on their new spending plan is to him. He states that we need to “just patch the pants” and send him to school. Besides, Ricky needs to learn to be “…responsible and take care of his things.”  

What would you do to balance the relationship “budget???” 

Sex – Balancing the Relationship’s Affection Needs 

As if understanding your wife’s perspectives on money isn’t challenging enough, another area maybe even more key. That area is sex, which I like to refer to as overall “affection” in the relationship.  

While working with couples regarding their romantic and sexual needs, one thing has become very apparent. Men and women just see sex differently.  While I’ve used many examples to discuss sex with couples in counseling, one has seemed particularly germane for this blog.  Tim and Sandy* (* not their real names) have been married for 5 years. They have a 3 y/o daughter who goes to daycare while her parents are working. Tim is a local school Vice Principal and Sandy is the head of Human Resources at a local, fast growing start-up company.  

Tim and Sandy want to have a relationship that balances in most areas. However, their sex life seems to be one of their biggest challenges.  For example, recently Tim was feeling extra close to his wife and that having connective sex that night sounded great. When he included some heart emoticons in texts to his wife during the day, she said supportively she would talk to him when she got home.  Over dinner, Sandy mentions to her husband that although interested, she’s really tired but would love to get together tomorrow night. Tim finds her response to be supportive and feels understood. 

The following day Sandy anticipates a busy day at work. She drops their child off at daycare and makes sure to plan her day well. Sandy also remembered her commitment to her husband and made a focused effort to think emotionally connective thoughts about him, e.g., he’s a great husband, great support, great lover.  As the day moves on, Sandy is feeling really good about the prospect of spending some quality time with her husband.  Later that afternoon, Sandy receives a text from her boss regarding a meeting she was to attend with her CEO tomorrow.  Her boss notes that the team member who was going to present was being tested for COVID and wouldn’t be able to attend the meeting.  This means she is now presenting and would need to have it ready by 9 AM tomorrow morning. Although the meeting may end up being virtual, please plan on attending in their corporate offices. 

While Sandy feels encouraged that her boss would ask her to fill in, there is a problem. She now will be up much of the night preparing for the critical presentation. She is also really disappointed that she won’t be able to give her relationship the time it so desperately needs.  She considers all options but ultimately decides to ask her husband if they can spend time together tomorrow night. How will he react? Will he feel hurt or dismissed? 

What would you do to balance the relationship’s “affection” budget? 

Balance is the Key

Whether Tim feels hurt or dismissed will depend on how he believes the relationship has been overall previous to this challenge. Let’s say that both he and Sandy have worked on keeping their relationship open and honest. Then likely Tim won’t feel dismissed and he will be able to weather this potential hurricane of negative feelings and resentment. Meanwhile, Sandy won’t feel guilty that she is asking for some relationship latitude but rather also feel understood and appreciated.  Do you see a positive pattern here? Absolutely! 

It has been my experience that open communication is the key.  Being able to have critical conversations safely that may not be easy but will benefit the relationship’s sex and affection needs. Other keys include: 

* Trust. Building trust includes, but isn’t limited to, knowing that your spouse will allow you to share her opinion without feeling judged or questioned for her perspective. Trust is particularly important for a woman as feeling emotionally safe and close to her husband is often contingent on trusting him deeply. 

* Respect. When couples trust each other then it is quite natural that a deeper level of respect will likely also follow.  Thus trust and respect go essentially hand in hand resulting in a marriage where connective conversations can naturally occur. 

* Love. You can love your partner but not necessarily trust or respect them. The oft used adage of “Love Conquers All” isn’t always true particularly regarding trust related to money and sex. Couples that have nurtured trust in their relationships report a deeper level of commitment to the relationship.  Essentially, that my spouse “has my back!” 

What’s Next?  Achieving Balance    

Whether you struggle with discussions regarding money or sex really isn’t the question. Many couples struggle in these key areas. The most important thing is to be able to move forward through the challenges. Increase trust, respect, and ultimately the love in the relationship. Here are 3 suggestions to achieve these relationship goals.  

First, absolutely set goals to communicate openly and often. I typically assign the couples I work with to have a “check-in” each day. It doesn’t have to be long BUT it does need to be more than just “how was your day?”  Ask questions that support each others challenges. For Tim as a Vice Principal, empathic questions related to returning to school may be most germane. However, the key is that the communication is open to ANY thing that seems important to the partners in their marriage. 

Secondly, I’ve often heard it said that “couple’s that play together, stay together.” That has been my experience particularly when couples play often and in ways that connect the relationship. Couples can connect each evening. Couples can “play together” on the hiking trail. On the ski slopes, or on vacation, whether it’s in California or Park City.  

And for the subject of affection in marriage, couples that play (connection/affection/sex) together often will stay together! It absolutely works and is worth working on in a loving ways.     

Lastly, absolutely be flexible and recognize that plans change. And please totally be aware that just because your wife isn’t available for sex this evening doesn’t mean that she’s not into you. In fact, be aware that her asking to get together tomorrow night is likely totally sincere. She does want to be with you.  Please take a risk and ask her (or him!). You may be pleasantly surprised by her response.  

Michael Boman, LCSW, is a clinical therapist at Wasatch Family Therapy. Michael has over 20 years experience in working with couples and families. 

More

Tips & Ideas to Help Your Child Navigate Difficult Times

2020 has been filled with unpredictable outcomes and unknowns. Covid-19 has changed the way we live, work, and go to school. Stressful times can be challenging to navigate, and children do not always have the words to express their feelings. Children are prone to demonstrate maladaptive behaviors during hard times; regression is a normal part of development. Regression can look like increased separation anxiety, withdrawal, tantrums, potty accidents, disrupted sleep, and more. Children are perceptive, and they feel the effects of change. Here are some ways to help your child navigate these difficult times.

Validation  

Children do not always know what they are feeling or how to communicate it. This is an excellent opportunity for parents to teach them. First, reflect their feeling to them and validate their emotion. “You look sad” or “It feels upsetting when you fight with your brother.” These are excellent ways to open up communication, and they know that you are there.

3 Check-ins per day

Setting aside a few minutes three times a day can be helpful for yourself and your child. This short time to connect can help create a stronger bond with your child. This time will teach them how to slow down their day and connect to themselves. During these moments, you can breathe together, tell each other how you feel, or use grounding exercises to become aware of the present moment.

Model Behavior 

Modeling behavior is one of the best ways to teach children healthy coping skills – parents/caregivers, take care of yourself! Be aware of how you are feeling and determine what you need. Take care of your own needs and demonstrate healthy habits to your kids.

Routines 

Routines create predictability- which makes an environment feel safe for a child. Routines also help decrease negative behaviors. Together, come up with routines in the morning or at night that your child can look forward to, like reading a book before bed or taking a walk at the same time each day.

Resource:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4578899/#:~:text=Regression%20is%20typical%20in%20normal,usually%20corrects%20the%20regressive%20behavior.

More

Is it Erectile Dysfunction or Erectile Disappointment?

I recently came across an article by Dr. Chris Donaghue PhD, LCSW, CST.  Dr. Chris, as he is known, talks about how performance pressures on men to get and maintain hard erections actually lead to erectile difficulties.  These difficulties can lead men to seek out performance enhancing drugs in order to “have good sex”.  Dr. Chris shares 8 tips for overcoming erectile disappointment.

  • 1- Have realistic expectations for how a penis functions.
  • 2- Develop a more expansive view of sex.
  • 3- Communicate!
  • 4- Diversify your sexual skills.
  • 5- Work on your “erotic esteem”.
  • 6- Stay in the moment.
  • 7- Allow each partner to be responsible for their own orgasm.
  • 8- Be a sex and body positive activist.  

If you or a partner have ever experienced erectile disappointment, check out the full article here then schedule a session with Alice at 801-944-4555 to help guide you through these steps.  

More

Seven Trust Building Secrets Wives Need to Know about their Husbands

Have you ever wondered as you watch your husband check out yet another Super Bowl what he is truly thinking? Whether you’re even on his sports radar? Whether you even matter to him?  Okay maybe that’s a bit harsh. Perhaps its whether you enter his male brain on a regular basis. As a therapist who has worked with men for 20 years, I can state unequivocally that he is aware of you.  How aware you ask?  Quite aware so much so that this blog post may be very surprising (and trust building!) to you. 

#1) He Absolutely Loves It When You Notice Him

Really see him.  How handsome he is. How he looks. How much he truly means to you.  How sexy he is in those jeans that fit ‘just right.’ Although he won’t mention this to you, he totally loves it when you notice him. Men absolutely want to believe that they’re super handsome to their wives. Desired completely by you, his wife. Desirable as your wonderful husband.  You can help him believe this by truly noticing him often.

#2) It’s Really NOT All About Sex

Although you may get totally different signals from him, he’s absolutely not thinking about sex 24/7. Just as you’re not emotionally focused constantly (gender stereotype!), men simply aren’t focused sexually every moment of their day. In fact, men actually desire affection almost as much as women do.  Men in Utah love to be hugged. Kissed. Touched. And! Men want to cuddle with “no strings attached” in bed. Truly! He isn’t planning on the holding you close leading to sex every time either. Take a risk and ask him if this isn’t correct. But, be ready to be surprised by his answer!

#3) He’s Like A Teenage Female Emotionally Inside!  

Men are awash with emotions inside that they will never admit to. He’s actually quite similar to a 16 year old girl. I’m not kidding. Truthfully, he’s often an absolute mess of emotions inside that rugged male exterior. Since men are raised to not share emotions/feelings, never admitting to this makes complete sense to him. To be vulnerable or to risk sharing appears “weak” to a man. Not masculine at all! Please know that when it seems like nothing is bothering him, that something very likely is bothering him. You’ll likely find this to be quite exasperating, but know it’s the truth. What can you do?  Please check out the next secret for details.

#4) He Desperately Wants To Talk To You

He definitely wants to talk to you. Connectively. Openly. Frequently. All hours of the day. But! He is totally baffled on how to make this connection. Since you’ve likely demanded that he talk to you openly in the past, throw that idea out with the trash. It just won’t work. You need to make talking openly safe for him. It’s safe when you’re not demanding or seemingly dramatic. It’s safe when you talk on his terms. His terms may be after the Utah Jazz basketball game. His terms could be after a great date night at his favorite restaurant. Friday night NOT Saturday morning. Oh and please do some relationship research here. Actually risk and ask him about this!

#5) He Really Does Desire Compliments From You

Compliments are really different from noticing him as noted above in #1.  Compliments include telling him how awesome he is for doing the dishes (another cool way is just saying “nice” things to him). That he actually remembered to take the trash out today. For working so hard for his family to bring home the paycheck each week. And, absolutely don’t get stuck on the “why doesn’t he compliment me more often” mantra. Please know that his brain is wired to relish being appreciated by you. It’s not wimpy. It’s not being weak. It’s not even unmanly. It’s truly a marriage connection secret that can pay you huge dividends in your relationship. Do you want a better, more focused husband? Compliment him! Compliments = LOVE to most men.

#6) He Knows You’re Not Nagging Him  

You definitely know what I’m saying here ladies. When you’ve asked him 50 times to clean up after himself. Put away his workout shoes. Lift the darn seat. Clean up the crumbs left on the kitchen table after an impromptu snack. He then goes to the “stop nagging me” mantra because he totally knows you’re right. He absolutely knows that you’re right. He just doesn’t have the word vocabulary to battle back with your superior brain. So very true!!!  

#7) He Totally Thinks About You!   

Often. Throughout his day. In the morning as he drives to his work office. During his work day and almost always at lunch. Even on his pilgrimage home after a trying work day. Please know that husbands often get so busy that they just can’t call or text you. Or even get away to have lunch with you. Even though he would definitely love to be able to do so. But! Know that you’re frequently on his mind. Sometimes its about his kids. Or about this Saturday’s date with you his amazing wife. Just understand that he’s working for you. Thinking of you. Absolutely desiring to be with you.

One More Iconic thought on Seven Connection Secrets

If one of these 7 trust building secrets has hit home with you, why not act on it right away? If you’ve held back on complimenting him in the past, switch it up and compliment him today. If you have believed that he doesn’t want to chat with you, pick the right moment this Sunday and simply chat him up. Seriously! Just do it. Be willing to reach out to him and be vulnerable. Truly risk. You’re marriage is definitely worth it. And so are you!!!

Michael Boman, LCSW is a therapist for Wasatch Family Therapy in Salt Lake City. He specializes in assisting couples improve their marriage connection and affection. He is accepting new clients on a limited basis. He can be reached by emailing Info@wasatchfamilytherapy.com

More

Three Questions to Ask Your Spouse Daily

Being a marriage therapist is an interesting and fulfilling profession. One unique aspect of this job is that people want to ask my opinion on a regular basis. When I attend wedding showers, the room gets eerily quiet when it is my turn to give advice to the bride to be. One piece of advice I give regularly and often, is to connect with your spouse on a daily basis. This can happen in many different ways, however I think that daily talk time is an effective and powerful way to increase emotional intimacy that will help you feel connected to your spouse. Many times life gets so busy we forget how to talk with our partner. Here are three questions that can jump start your daily talk time.

  1. What went well in your day today?
  2. What did not go as you expected?
  3. What are some ways I can help you tomorrow?

These questions open up a dialogue about your day and what went well and poorly. The last question helps your spouse feel that you are invested in their day going well and shows your support of that happening. If you feel that some growth is needed in your relationship I urge you to start daily talk time. Ten minutes a day can make a big difference in your marriage. Start with these questions and see where the conversation goes.

More

What To Know Before Marriage

You’ve decided you want to be together forever. Now what?

Whether our relationships are old or new, there a few important topics that I believe should be discussed before long term commitment or marriage. At times, we think we know our partner inside and out. I have outlined four important topics that can be a starting point of conversation to set our relationships up for success.

How do we feel about kids?

Each partner needs to discuss what they are expecting in terms of wanting kids, not wanting kids, or how many kids each partner envisions. Does one partner only one or maybe two children while the other wants four or five? Once you have an understanding what each partner wants, you can discuss whether there is any flexibility in their wants. This should be an ongoing conversation with your partner as road bumps happen along the road, including infertility or that one partner no longer wants more children. What if one partner wants to change directions in their career and be a stay at home parent? These are all important things to not only talk about, but truly understand our partner’s wants and desires.

Conflict and Communication

SPOILER ALERT: Conflict will happen in your marriage! It is not whether you have conflict or not that determines if your relationship will last; it is how you handle conflict. It can be easy to develop poor communication habits with your partner. These bad habits can include stonewalling, holding onto resentments, or not giving your partner space when needed to calm down. If you’re developing any bad habits during your arguments, or are curious about your communication style, then it might be helpful to explore some resources.  The books Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson or Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman are a great starting place. You can also seek out a great couple’s therapist!

Time together and alone

When you are in the dating stage you often are inseparable and spend a majority of your time together. While this stage you are learning about each other it is also important to understand what time together and alone will look like once you get married. If our partner had weekly outings with friends to the club, outlets, rock climbing, or a weekend trip will this still be ok once we’re married? Is our partner used to going to the gym alone and has been doing this for years?  These various activities can be very important for our partner. If we think that after marriage we want them to change or adjust their habits and the way they spend their time then we need to communicate that now. We cannot expect them to just change while we stay at home and harbor resentment. While time together with our partner fosters a healthy relationship, we also need to foster relationships with friends and family. At times, we may need quality time with close friends or other family members too, or even just alone time to be with our self. It is okay for us to want these things as long as it is something communicated to our partner.

How is our partner allowed to talk with coworkers, friend etc.

When our partner is not with us they will be among other people at work, the gym, and friends. While this time spent with others is needed there are some important questions to discuss with your partner. 

  • What are intimate details of our relationship how or should be shared with others? How do we talk to others about our relationship? 
  • What constitutes an emotional affair for your or your partner? 

While every situation varies for each couple. It is important to understand what ours or our partner’s behaviors might be. The more we understand them and have conversations about what our relationship boundaries should be then the healthier our relationship is in the long run. If you would be hurt if your partner went to lunch with female co-workers then let them know. If it causes hurt when your partner comments on an ex’s post, let them know! Do not let these things fester and build until serious relationship difficulties come up. 

Conclusion

Communication with our partner is essential to building a healthy, lasting relationship.  When we have a conversation with our partner about the four topics discussed above and many more, we can then avoid resentment, future conflict, and have healthy boundaries in our relationship. If you would like more information about the topics above, a better understanding of your current relationship, or just want to have a safe place to discuss future and/or current relationship goals reach out to me at (801)-944-4555.

More